Starting Speechless Girl

Words are powerful, they can take away your dreams or they can make them true. I would like to say it's up to us to choose which one to happen, but I'm afraid I might be wrong.

Maybe we just have words to communicate what we really want to happen, because the choice comes from the inside. The choice, that sometimes what we want it's not what we need or what we need it's not what we want. 

But still, words have the power to say what we most fear and to hide what we most want to be seen.

I think I'm of those words. I show what I'm afraid to feel, and I hide what I feel comfortable with. 

I have the ability to look at a person and see the true personality of her. Knowing that no matter what they do, no matter how superficial they are, no matter how confident they feel, inside of them lives someone with real emotions.

Unfortunately I can't see that in me, I can't look at me and know who I am. I know I show myself as a strong person that is able to overcome anything; almost without emotions that arise regularly.

But is that my real me? When I go to bed and cry tears that seem to perpetuate me, am I still a strong person? Am I still insensitive when I feel like my world is upside down just because I wasn't what people expected from me? Is that what people see in me? Or do they also have the ability to see my true being?

I don't know. I don't know if someone ever saw me like that and I don't know if that is ever going to happen, but I still wish that someone will do. Not because I need them to see me like that, but because I need to feel valued. And how can someone do that if they don't know me the real way?

Once again, I don't know. But I do know that words are powerful, and I wish that they might make my dreams true instead of ruining them.

My words are quiet, they don't talk, they don't breath, they don't show any kind of emotions. They just write, they write my feelings, they write what I'm afraid to say. They write when my mouth can't talk and sometimes they get tired of being quiet and they scream, they scream what has been kept for so many time.

They write my dreams, what I want, what I've been dreaming about my whole life, but sometimes I need to tear the pages; not because I want it to end but because God has something better. And how can I say no to the person who has done the best for me? How can I say no when He shows me that what He has for me is better? How can I let Him down? I just can't. I can't do it. So sometimes, I take all my pages, the pages from my book, the pages from my life, and I just delete them from my mind, so I can have some space for the better pages, for the better stories and for the better life.

Luckily, sometimes my pages are right, sometimes what my words wrote matches with what God wanted, and I say luckily not because I'm glad it worked for me, but because I could think the same way God has thought.

And do I have any doubt of the existence of this God? Not at all. I don't have any doubt and I believe that my words follow Him, I believe that what my dreams tell, what my story tell is all about Him and about  how He changed my life in so many different ways, so I can feel like giving up a lot of times, but I won't because I ask myself “What if God had given up on me?"

Even though a lot of this times, it's hard to think this way, because my feelings are a mess and my words don't seem to understand what I really want, so yes, sometimes I want to give up, I want to say no to everyone, I want to run away, I want to start it all over again, but the truth and the good thing about God is that even when we're not doing what we're supposed to, He is. He's always doing what He is and what He is not supposed to do, He just does that because of His love, He just helps and keeps giving us chances so that we can keep trying, because He knows we will get through it and we will make it. And that's my hope, my need and my words' every day.