day 1

we sat amongst the grass

on a hill

where we always did

and thought about many things

like how depressing the human race is

our earth could be engulfed by the sun

and people would still be waiting

for a lie

called love

Author's Note

feedback would be helpful

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Depressing.

Now seeming as this doesn't appear, to my untrained eyes, to follow any sort of poetic form, I can find no fault in it, save for my own personal preference to see things capitalized properly. I am, however, aware that some writers have reasons for not using capitals.

This piece is very...realistic. Reading it, I do get the sense that this is a day in someone's life. A small group of young teenagers, 2-4, close friends, actually. They're of the introspective loner type, often hanging out in out of the way places rather than mall hopping.

Your closing lines are powerful and fit this piece perfectly in my opinion.

"People would still be waiting
For a lie
Called Love."

It speaks to the complete lack of hope the narrator has and their disbelief in anything truly good. Hence why to them, love is considered a lie. They've never really seen it or experienced. Theirs has been a hard life and it is evident in their thoughts.

People across the world are losing hope. Some have never known it. That's a big problem.

You illustrate that in a short, simple, yet powerful manner.

Excellent.

-Caradoc

[melancholy]

I couldn't be more greatful for this review! I am generally hopeless at expressing feelings and I'm stunned that you understood it perfectly. I suppose the simplicity in this poem was meant to reflect how simple their life has become, they have really no purpose that they can see, no point. I personally like to write like this and I dont really know why, and I'm honored to have made someone who generally wouldn't read this style of writing enjoy it.

Thank you for the kind, thourough review.

-Ruby

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome.

[D. T. Wine]

The poem definitely has a lot of promise, but I kind of agree with Arrinae....the last line seems to not fit right....I think it is that the syllables are clashing, but I did enjoy the rest of the poem.

[melancholy]

Thank you! I was thinking the same myself, but I just wasn't sure. I really appreciate your feedback!

[D. T. Wine]

I enjoyed the change, I though it fleshed out the poem a bit more... well done.

[Arrinae]

It is interesting. But something about that last line just doesn't seem to flow, in my opinion at any rate. Don't be disheartened.

[melancholy]

Thank you! I couldn't agree more, I'm extremely appreciative of how gently you put it, it's always an aspiring poets dream to have nicely put constructive criticism. I can't thank you enough. sometimes it's hard to notice these things yourself and you need someone to find these small things that can make the quality of the poem deteriorate so much. Thank you xx

[Arrinae]

Oh I understand completely. I get disheartend when people read my own poems and stories but never leave a review to tell me if its good or if there is something I can do to make it better. As far as putting it gently, that is more of how I was raised. I see no reasonto be rude when giving advice.