how disgusting

i haven't written in ages. this is more of an exercise than anything.

it's really rather disgusting. it's disgusting because it's so unfair. who get's to decide which pairs of friends get to stay together and which are forced to separate. are the gods trying to smite me? do i believe in that? all i know is that it isn't fair. we were friends since before we knew how to read. i was the "girl with the hair" and so was she. for different reasons. mine, long. hers, knotted. we were bonded almost instantly. permanently. we clicked. we were so different, so childish, innocent, naiive. who were we to know that happiness doesn't last in this world? but that's just it. happiness is still there. are you frustrated? you can't find it? well i can. i haven't seen my best friend since the day she died. and i will never see her again. but you know what? life actually is full of surprises. cliche, no? forget what you knew, your life isn't just going to change. that's crap. life sucks, but only on the surface. life's complexity is the most revulting thing ever invented. nobody understands life. nobody ever will, that's part of the fun. make what you will of it. if you want to be pessemistic about it, that's your call. but life is always moving, and i think, no, i KNOW that it's a waste to sit and watch it pass. what're you going to do with that wasted time?

it's disgusting, really. it's disgusting because i know that my life would be different if that car was going the speed limit. and it's disgusting because i know that the car would be going the speed limit if i hadn't been driving. but i was. and if i was going the speed limit, we could've made that turn, we wouldn't have hit that telephone pole, my parent's car wouldn't have blown up into a thousand pieces, glass shattering everywhere. but what's more disgusting is that it took me this long to realize that she would be disappointed if i let this get in the way of my living. she hasn't changed because she isn't here. she still wants me to have fun. she still wants me to try and sieze opportunities. there are always more doors opening, if i don't check them out, they'll just keep closing. the farther you slip the harder you make it to stand back up again. but i'm on my feet. right now. i'm on my feet and i am sure that the future will be full of terrible obstacles, but i'm so sure that life will whip me past them. i'm going to keep my footing, and i'm going to look up to what awaits me. the big question mark. it's bright, it's shiny, and it calls my name. well, hello, question mark, show me the way.