Honestly not my best work and written within a 15min time frame but honestly needed to be written down. Haven't been active on writers cafe since most of my writing is handwritten~
My Review
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This works for you because you have context and intent. The reader has neither, unless you supply them. So when you say, "May they have stripped, in such vast motion;" The reader has no idea of who "they" are, who's speaking, or why. Nor do they have an idea of what motion you're referring to, or what "vast" means in the context of what's happening. In other words, a lot of the necessary context is in your head when ti should have been on the page.
That's why you need to edit from the seat of a reader, not the author. After all, it was written for the reader, so it should be as meaningful to them as to you, as it's read.
Two more minor points: First: The semicolon connects two fully independent sentences with a shorter stop than a period. It's not a super comma.
And finally, toss the zig-zag paragraphs. Poetry is made to be read aloud, juggling paragraphs come across as an effort to dress it up to try tyo make it more exciting. But that's the job of the wording.
Sorry, but you did ask. 🤪
Posted 5 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
5 Years Ago
Hahaha honestly your feedback is the greatest :)
I honestly don't know how I would reflect on.. read moreHahaha honestly your feedback is the greatest :)
I honestly don't know how I would reflect on my writing without you.
I'm really grateful for your feedback and I will do my best to improve my work with accordance to your feedback.
This works for you because you have context and intent. The reader has neither, unless you supply them. So when you say, "May they have stripped, in such vast motion;" The reader has no idea of who "they" are, who's speaking, or why. Nor do they have an idea of what motion you're referring to, or what "vast" means in the context of what's happening. In other words, a lot of the necessary context is in your head when ti should have been on the page.
That's why you need to edit from the seat of a reader, not the author. After all, it was written for the reader, so it should be as meaningful to them as to you, as it's read.
Two more minor points: First: The semicolon connects two fully independent sentences with a shorter stop than a period. It's not a super comma.
And finally, toss the zig-zag paragraphs. Poetry is made to be read aloud, juggling paragraphs come across as an effort to dress it up to try tyo make it more exciting. But that's the job of the wording.
Sorry, but you did ask. 🤪
Posted 5 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
5 Years Ago
Hahaha honestly your feedback is the greatest :)
I honestly don't know how I would reflect on.. read moreHahaha honestly your feedback is the greatest :)
I honestly don't know how I would reflect on my writing without you.
I'm really grateful for your feedback and I will do my best to improve my work with accordance to your feedback.
Sachi is an observant art lover who takes pride in her strong verbal and written communication skills as she regards her love for learning. She highly values collaboration and efforts to create innova.. more..