I Surrender

 

I Surrender

 

I often think of my future and all the expectations I have for myself. Will I ever reach that moment when I think, “We’ve done it Lord. We’ve reached the top of that mountain?” Heaviness lay across my shoulders. How am I going to pay the power bill this month? Are my kids suffering because I’m their mother? Does my husband get enough of me? Will I pass my Linguistics class? So many swirling thoughts were going around within me. What’s going to happen if I’m not the best? If I don’t succeed?  These are the moments when my knees buckle and standing takes strength I’m conscious of.

When I walked in, the room was eerily quiet. I left the lights off. There wasn’t any need for them today. There wouldn’t be any children running back for lessons. I could still see the evidence of their presence. A few crayons were left on the floor on top of drawings. It made me smile as I pictured what it must have looked like with the kids laying on their bellies and trading crayon colors.   My finger traced the pencil line on the wall and followed it down the hall. I heard the hiss of the boiler heating the hallway. As I walked by, it puffed one last time, just for me I think, until it needed to warm up the hall again. 

The door opened with that familiar creek. The cold air rushed over my face, and forced my eyes to close involuntarily. Everything looked different in the dark. The chairs looked bigger than usual with dark shadows cast down beside them. People left Bibles strewn about on the floor, and on the seats; some still open to this past Sunday’s message.  Did they forget to take them home? I picked them up and placed them onto the small pile in the corner making sure all the stacks were even. Some Bibles were frayed showing the touch of many hands that must have searched through its wisdom. Some were still shiny, already in the stack, lonely from lack of human connections. Without knowing it, I had walked to the front of the room. The music stand was cluttered with sheets of lyrics, and I carefully walked around it to find my spot. They are sheets of love songs. I heeded the cords to the microphones and moved the stands to give myself more room to find my place.

I heard myself gasp! It caught me by surprise, and my hands flew to my chest to let my heart know that it wasn’t alone. Every breath was deliberate. I could hear a strange high pitch noise as if wind was pressing against the window trying to get in. It was me. It was hard to breathe through my nose. Can I hide with you Jesus? Can I find where you are and stay with you awhile? I felt my chest jerk in its moments, not as smooth as I would have liked it to be.  I’m here Abba. I give you all I have. It isn’t much Lord, but it’s yours. My thoughts pulled me to the floor and my face into my hands. I need you. I’m nothing without you. Be my strength. Guide me. Mold me. Help me to be an over comer; the kind you have called me to be. 

I couldn’t remember when, but I had lain down completely face down on the floor. I hadn’t noticed before, but the carpet was unraveling right there where I lay. I suppose that meant this spot had been used often. Perhaps many seekers came here before me to surrender and lay their cheek on that very place. I inhaled the perfume of the anointing oil that had set this spot apart for surrenders; the seekers. The wave sensations that began just beneath my skin gave me a sensation of floating. Was I floating? Is this my hiding place? Peace hovered over me like a blanket, and with my eyes closed I knew that peace was there. It flooded me as I felt that blanket wrap around my still weary shoulders. It was my burdens that floated high above me; leaving me. Freedom. Thank you. 

Reviews

[Hannah]

this story is beautiful.I found it confusing at first but once I understood where the story was going I could picture everything.Congratulations on such a beautiful piece!