Why Beauty Pageants Are So Great

A Story by Robbie H.

Don't we all love watching the tortured souls of women put on a false smile for judges?

I'm a guy, so I know a lot about beauty pageants. You get a bunch of females (ages 1-30) and pick which one is the most popular. This is done through a series of tests, like a talent show, how straight they can walk and turn, who can wear the most revealing swimsuit, which contestant can answer a question less stupid than the others, and who is fanciest in the fancy clothes. You know, who is best at the important things in life.

Pageants are a staple in modern society. Who else would keep psychiatrists, chiropractors, fashion stylists, TLC, and everyone in the mental health profession in business, but the beauty queens? They teach us that beauty is on the outside and that we should judge women. Did you ever see a dog show? You know, those things where dogs are showcased on a stage and each one displays a talent? Replace "dog" with "women" and you have a beauty pageant. Aren't my analogies great?

You ever watch the child pageants? That is America at its best. Is there anything better than seeing little girls slap on a fake smile to hide the anguish that is kept inside from years of physical and psychological abuse from their parents? I enjoy that. It's fun to watch the result of abuse, especially when it is socially acceptable to do so. I think that is something we all can enjoy, even the sexual predators (I have a link to support that somewhere, but I'm too lazy to find it. Just trust me, sexual predators have a field day with pageants).

I don't deny that pageants are hard work for the kids, but even the parents put some sweat into them. They have to get their little girl, and put them in hooker boots, a way too expensive dress, flipper things (fake teeth that are put on real teeth to make their real teeth look like fake teeth), and glue on some big eyelashes. If they want to go a more trendy direction, give them an Ugly Betty wig, some birth control glasses, and a weird color eyelid paint. The whole point of this is to make their child look like a grown woman, hell, a mother even gave her child last minute breast enhancements, probably through the use of tissues or whatever else girls stuff in their bras.

Aren't beauty pageants great?