Starless Night - A Study of "Bright Star" by John Keats/co-write with Sheila Kline

Thoughts and progression of an antithesis based on "Bright Star" by romantic poet, John Keats

        Photographer:  “Giuseppe”,  ‘Starless Night’,

             Holiday Florida, USA,  Jan 27, 2012

 

An Introduction to a Study of “Starless Night”--Sheila Kline

When I first read “Bright Star” written by John Keats in 1819 for his love, Fannie Brawne, I decided to write a poem that followed Keats’ form - punctuation and meter exactly.  In contrast, I chose to write an antithesis of the original poem.  After much thought, I posted the poem “Starless Night”, (Version 1) which fit the rules I set down for myself. My talented friend and writer,  Rick Puetter read “Starless Night” and wrote an adaptation, keeping much of my original work.  Since Rick did not know the rules I had set down when I originally wrote the poem, his version did not follow Keats’ form.

I was greatly touched by Rick’s adaptation (Version 2) of my write.  It is very beautiful, and I consider it to be the best of the three poems presented to you - my original, Rick’s adaptation, and finally Version 3, the co-write that follows Keats’ form.

All of this is subjective, of course, as we writers have opinions about what we like and don’t like.  The final decision as to which is the best version is up to you, the reader.

The three versions of  “Starless Night” make up a study of the evolution of a poem through the editing and rewriting process.  Rick and I reviewed the various versions by note until arriving at versions 2 and 3 of “Starless Night”.

We hope this presentation and study is interesting to you, and that you enjoy all three poems!

Comments--Rick Puetter

Dear Sheila, you know how I love to collaborate with you on poetry.  You have a romantic, poetic heart that shines through all your work.  Thank you for letting me be a part of another one of your inspired poems.

***   ***

We start with the original poem by Keats, the inspiration for this study

Sheila Kline (http://www.writerscafe.org/wvhillbilly47) &

Rick Puetter (http://www.writerscafe.org/rpuetter)

 

 

Bright Star - John Keats

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art-

Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night

And watching with eternal lids apart

Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,

The moving waters at their priestlike task

Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,

Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask

Of snow upon the mountains and the moors-

No-yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,

Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,

To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,

Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,

Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,

And so live ever-or else swoon to death.

 

 

Starless Night

(Version 1)

Dark night, if I was morbid without care-
Not aptly bathed in warmth of brightest day,
And viewing, with eyes by sight unaware,
Like shadows banished then by sunshine's ray
The black crystals formed not in liquid stance
Of shattered vows resting 'neath granite cave,
Or seeking a firm ledge to rest perchance
On slippery rocks 'neath wet earth of grave;
Yes, my eyes search for virgin face so fair,
Shun ever then my lady's soft sweet form
Nevermore grace of body do I seek,
Sleeping peacefully through the rage of storm.
Fool, fool to watch her once again to sigh,
Would'st be far better were I then to die!

 

 

 

Starless Night

(Version 2)

 

Dark night, as I am morbid without care--

Not wrapped in love as sunlight fills the brightest day--

And as I view her now with eyes with sight unaware,

Untouched, unmoved by her sun's greatest ray,

My eyes hold only black, cold crystal tears, not weak with liquid stance,

But hard as stone as if plucked from deep within a granite cave,

And with no need for firm ledge to rest, perchance

To pause, to quiver, before falling to their earthly grave.

Yes, once my eyes hungered for that face so fair,

Yet now my hardened spirit shuns that soft sweet form--

Nevermore the graces of her body shall I seek.

And there she sleeps, so peaceful through the rages of my heart-felt storm.

Oh fool am I to look upon her now--to watch again--to hear her faintly sigh!

Would'st be far better now that I should die!

 

 

 

Starless Night

(Version 3)

 

Dark night, as I am morbid without care--

Not wrapped in love as sun enfolds bright day--

I view her now with eyes most unaware,

Untouched, unmoved by her sun's greatest ray,

Eyes with crystal tears, not with liquid stance,

But hard as stone plucked deep from granite cave,

And with no need for ledge to rest, perchance

To quiver, pause then fall to earthly grave.

Yet, once I hungered for that face so fair!

Now hardened spirit shuns that soft sweet form--

No more the graces of her body seeks.

 

...And there she sleeps--through rages of my storm.

Fool, I, to look upon her--hear sweet sighs!

Would'st be far better, then, ‘ this fool to die!

 

 

©2012 by Sheila Kline and Richard Puetter, each and individually

All rights reserved

Reviews

[emmajoy]

Over the past few days I've read the above four times, each time returning to see if there's a little extra magic or finesse in one version .. it was the only way i could make my final decision. Keats is one of my favourite poets, so please let me walk in his shadows ..

From that point, whilst the third version has a more than similar metre to the original, i flatly refuse to make a choice between Rick or Sheila's painstakingly beautiful work - and obvious study. To use antithesis to create from as fine a work as Keats' poem certainly takes great courage, to adapt and juggle further must have been a great adventure for the two of you. You've both written a version in your own style. difficult to pinpoint in brief but, 'think i know you well enough after quite a few years to recognise a touch of constraint in the one, free flow in the other.

Consequently, for me, there's neither winner nor loser. Deep breath - and great admiration

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I like the writings based upon classics. You two did a marvelous job in your offerings here. Great writing all around.

[...]

Brilliant! You both are certainly NOT starless :)

[Augustus]

I remember I was 12 when my grandfather gifted me a copy of Palgrave's Golden Treasury and it was around that time that I first read this sonnet of Keats', so naturally, I was interested to see what you had done here.
At the outset, let me just say that the task which you two have embarked on is a formidable one. I quite agree with Emma there. And it demanded a serious blend of intelligence and creativity. And evidently, it took the two of you together to get the job done eventually. :)
I am not out here to choose a winner. I think both Sheila and Rick scored over the other in different lines of the poem. I think that by straying away from the original form, Rick managed to put greater clarity into the poem. Some of the metaphors became a lot more transparent as a result. But in my humble opinion, form is absolutely critical in delivering the full impact of a sonnet. And Rick's poem, while a beautiful poem in it's own right, lacked that final defining elegance of Keats' original. A striking example of this is the volta, the final couplet. Sheila's final two lines are decidedly superior to Rick's. I think Rick has made them a tad longer than necessary. In fact, I think Sheila's volta is better than the one in the combined version too. So all in all, it is even stevens. But most importantly. I had a wonderful time reading your creations and analyzing them. I must commend you both on a wonderful achievement. Thanks a lot!

[Cole Hayley]

"Eyes with crystal tears, not with liquid stance". Wow, incredible line and a incredible poem. You are an incredible writer, I'm more impressed each time I read a piece, incredible.

[Marie]

There was another writer on this site who gave me poetic inspirition...now it seems I have another...
Dark star of a starless night,
Beauty could make blackness bright.

[GunMetal]

I have no words to describe how brilliant this is. Your talent is ineffable. Both of you. I agree with Hey Jude that each version compliments well with the others and when read together make a fantastic progression of art. Just excellent.

[*** Hey Jude***]

Two poets that I admire in their own right, now working in duo makes for a well thought out collaboration. I do do not feel that one is better, because each compliments the other!
I think John Keats would be enthralled as well as pleased with the rectitude that was kept. I applaud you both for this awesome write! ~ :-)

[Legion]

I have spent much time in the past living within such starless nights. This is excellence and I expected such. Kudos to both! A collaboration well done.

[Mark]

Although some have often told me that my work puts them in mind of the writers of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, I do not think I should ever have had the nerve to take a specific poem, as you two have done, and reframe it in my own style. Rick did it a couple of years ago, with his versions of Keats' "Ode On A Grecian Urn", which I then told him I actually preferred to the original. In addition, I have often told him that his verse puts me in mind of Coleridge or Longfellow, with their long narratives. But Sheila, I am so very impressed with this effort on your part! This style is so uncharacteristic of you, and you have carried it beautifully! Now I see that I, too, shall have to undertake a similar challenge. I bow to ye twain!
One trivial note: As "would'st" is a contraction of "wouldest", the apostrophe belongs between the 'd' and the 'st'.