Save my life

The solace of Nature's wonders

 

 

 

 

Save my life, oh, valley, mountain,

My heart's heavy and filled with woe.

With your beauty and your bounty,

Whisk me to untroubled country

Where sun glints crisp off fresh, new snow

And hope springs rich from every fountain.

 

Ease my cares, oh, sky and ocean,

For dread of Death blows over me.

With your wide expanse of freedom,

Steal me back from despair’s kingdom,

To seasides where the winds reign free

And I’ll soak in your healing potion.

 

Nature, kind, remove my sorrow.

With all thy splendor fill my mind.

If this gift to me you’ll tender,

Today’s joys I’ll not surrender.

I’ll solace in your marvels find

And banish grief until tomorrow.

 

 

 

©2008 Richard Puetter

All rights reserved

Author's Note

A note to Emily Rose:

Thanks for your very detailed review. Your honesty and openness is always welcome.

Yes, as you hinted at, I am aware of the two syllable trochee accent scheme. You may remember there was some discussion of this on the review pages of my poem Epic. I was greatly influenced by Longfellow's poem Hiawatha and it's epic story all in trochee style to give the effect of a beating tom-tom. Trochee is one of my very favorite accent schemes and I use it extensively in my poetry.

Now I noticed that you had specific difficulties with some lines that didn't fit into this scheme. But there is a larger metrical scheme in the poem. You'll notice that every line in the poem is 8 syllables except the last line of each stanza, which are 9 syllables. And the trochee accent scheme is restricted to the 1st, 3rd, and 4th lines of each stanza. The 2nd line, especially in stanzas 1 and 2, is suppose to be a bit discordant as the thoughts and worries expressed there are discordant with nature. So it's

line 1 = beautiful, calming trochee

line 2 = discordant meter and discordant thought (except last stanza)

lines 3 & 4 = calming trochee

line 5 = discordant meter to echo line 2

line 6 = summary line with 9 syllables

Your note about the two commas--Got it. I agree with both comments, and thanks for the spelling correction.

And I played around with both the word tender and render. I even had render in there for a while. In the end I liked tender better. Guess that's just a personal taste.

Regarding the word solace, humm, I never really thought of this as being confusing and I really like the more archaic sentence construction. You've pointed out archaic sentence construction in some of my other poems before. I guess they really appeal to me as it does here. So I think I'll leave this for now and take your comment under advisement.

Yes, I think Nature is magical and it really does have a "healing potion" that I can soak up, and that is simply its magical beauty.

With best regards and thanks!

Rick

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

Hi Rick!

It would appear that I'm back, if only for the weekend. And look at you! This rhyme scheme is deliciously complex; it obviously took a lot of thought. There are some places where your rhythm slips a little, though - the second and last lines of the first stanza ("my heart's heavy..." and "and hope springs rich...") and the fifth line of the second stanza "to seasides where...") bother me the most. It's not that your syllables are off, it's just that the stresses fall on very strange beats and that throws off the line. In the first line you set up a precedent like this: stressed, unstressed, stressed, unstressed: SAVE my LIFE oh VALley MOUNTain but then the next line throws it off: "MY heart's HEAvy and FILLED with WOE" See how there are two unstressed syllables next to each other? That's what makes it sound funky. It's the same deal in the other lines - there are two stressed or unstressed beats together.

Warning! Complete digression ahead: You might know all this already - sorry if I sound pretentious! But as long as I'm sounding pretentious, the name for this kind of meter, the stressed-unstressed pattern, has a name: it's a trochaic pattern. An iambic pattern (like the iambic pentameter of Shakespeare) is the opposite; the beats would be unstressed, stressed, unstressed, stressed, and this is what you do in the second line of of the second stanza: "for DREAD of DEATH blows OVer ME." That also kind of throws the line of in its way, but it's less noticeable than having two of the same stressed beats together.

Anyway, you might want to play around with the rhythm a little. To me, it seems like that second line is the one that could use it the most. On a more grammatical note, you might want a comma between "fresh" and "new" since they're both describing "snow." I think some grammar rule about this somewhere about how you're supposed to put a comma between two adjectives that modify the same noun or something, but whether it's a rule or not, I think it feels like that line needs a pause there. Oh, and the comma after "country" seems to interrupt the line - "wisk me to untroubled country, where the sun glints..." doesn't sound right to me. Also, isn't "whisk" spelled with an h? The period after comma seems a little restrictive, though - why not chance that one to a comma so it the next line can springboard off of it? Also, with "tender"... this verb seems a little strange considering all your fabulous nature imagery; it makes me think of banks and cash. Perhaps "render" instead? That might be too impersonal, but you might want to play with it.

Last grammatical thing: the second to last line is grammatically confusing to me. I puzzled over it for a long time until I realized that "solace" was being used as a noun and not a verb (because "solace" can be a verb) and that cleared it up, but its construction is rather archaic, so it's a really easy mistake to make. I fear you're sacrificing meaning for the sake of your rhyme scheme in this case, so I encourage to play around with this line. Is there any way you can make it so the verb isn't at the end of the sentence? Speaking of meaning and rhyme scheme, the last line of the second stanza strikes me as a little extraneous. What healing potion? That kind of makes me think that nature is a wizard somewhere, and that kind of combats the imagery. Is there a different rhyme you could find to make that line fit better?

All of that said, you know how horribly nitpicky I am. I really did love the concept for this - it actually reminded me a lot of Yeats's "At the Lake Isle of Innisfree" (Sorry, I'm on a Yeats kick right now) - it perfectly portrays the desire to go back to nature and escape all the craziness of the city. Your imagery is great, especially for such a complicated poem. You did a great job on this!

[~angelalala~]

a gorgeous look at the majesty of nature, how it can leave such an impact on the psyche. you have an old-English way of writing "oh, valley, mountain", normally not my taste, but i like your work, you pull it off well. very precise, consistent with rhyme all the way through. i love the imagery here, i feel as if i'm standing on this mountain, breathing in this crisp, clear air. wonderful write.

[Alaska Frost]

Beautiful poem. Stunning imagery and it really captures the feelings of relief and awe that you get from nature. Great job! Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest!! :)
-Alaska Frost

[Max]

wow. once again stunned. This is quite amazing. Very unique rhyme scheme, and i love all the nature in it. Nature can heal any woe, just by being the amazing thing that it is. So peacefull, so beautiful.

Great job. Your flow is flawless. I'm excited to read more of your work.

[Onyx Sky]

Being in and around the feel of the earth can be so therapeutic, and I feel like you did a great job of describing that here. Your writing has a great sense of professionalism.

[Sheila Kline]

Hello,
As I read this, I feel soothed; healed from the harshness of nature to the beauty of it....all so beautifully expressed!
Well done, with vivid imagery!

[Helena]

A very uplifting and enjoyable write of the "healing potion" of nature.

"Save my life, oh, valley, mountain,
My heart's heavy and filled with woe.
With your beauty and your bounty,
Wisk me to untroubled country,
Where sun glints crisp off fresh new snow
And hope springs rich from every fountain."

I adored this as I adore the mountains, valleys and the crisp cleansing air
of nature's neverending delights.

Excellent Rick!

Helena

[Kristina Moulaison]

This is really beautiful. I have so often felt this in my own heart. Your words are lovely and profound, but I most enjoyed the sentiment because I have felt it so powerfully myself. Well done.

[C.T. Bailey]

Rick,
As always my friend, when I read your work, I am filled with the images regarding the humility of mankind. This piece is wrought with vestiges that are larger than human life and larger than the issues that tear at human existence. I was reminded of the work of William Wordsworth....you have such fine craftsmanship. Well done Rick...
Todd

[Jessica M.]

nature therapy... i like.