Save my life

The solace of Nature's wonders

 

 

 

 

Save my life, oh, valley, mountain,

My heart's heavy and filled with woe.

With your beauty and your bounty,

Whisk me to untroubled country

Where sun glints crisp off fresh, new snow

And hope springs rich from every fountain.

 

Ease my cares, oh, sky and ocean,

For dread of Death blows over me.

With your wide expanse of freedom,

Steal me back from despair’s kingdom,

To seasides where the winds reign free

And I’ll soak in your healing potion.

 

Nature, kind, remove my sorrow.

With all thy splendor fill my mind.

If this gift to me you’ll tender,

Today’s joys I’ll not surrender.

I’ll solace in your marvels find

And banish grief until tomorrow.

 

 

 

©2008 Richard Puetter

All rights reserved

Author's Note

A note to Emily Rose:

Thanks for your very detailed review. Your honesty and openness is always welcome.

Yes, as you hinted at, I am aware of the two syllable trochee accent scheme. You may remember there was some discussion of this on the review pages of my poem Epic. I was greatly influenced by Longfellow's poem Hiawatha and it's epic story all in trochee style to give the effect of a beating tom-tom. Trochee is one of my very favorite accent schemes and I use it extensively in my poetry.

Now I noticed that you had specific difficulties with some lines that didn't fit into this scheme. But there is a larger metrical scheme in the poem. You'll notice that every line in the poem is 8 syllables except the last line of each stanza, which are 9 syllables. And the trochee accent scheme is restricted to the 1st, 3rd, and 4th lines of each stanza. The 2nd line, especially in stanzas 1 and 2, is suppose to be a bit discordant as the thoughts and worries expressed there are discordant with nature. So it's

line 1 = beautiful, calming trochee

line 2 = discordant meter and discordant thought (except last stanza)

lines 3 & 4 = calming trochee

line 5 = discordant meter to echo line 2

line 6 = summary line with 9 syllables

Your note about the two commas--Got it. I agree with both comments, and thanks for the spelling correction.

And I played around with both the word tender and render. I even had render in there for a while. In the end I liked tender better. Guess that's just a personal taste.

Regarding the word solace, humm, I never really thought of this as being confusing and I really like the more archaic sentence construction. You've pointed out archaic sentence construction in some of my other poems before. I guess they really appeal to me as it does here. So I think I'll leave this for now and take your comment under advisement.

Yes, I think Nature is magical and it really does have a "healing potion" that I can soak up, and that is simply its magical beauty.

With best regards and thanks!

Rick

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

Hi Rick!

It would appear that I'm back, if only for the weekend. And look at you! This rhyme scheme is deliciously complex; it obviously took a lot of thought. There are some places where your rhythm slips a little, though - the second and last lines of the first stanza ("my heart's heavy..." and "and hope springs rich...") and the fifth line of the second stanza "to seasides where...") bother me the most. It's not that your syllables are off, it's just that the stresses fall on very strange beats and that throws off the line. In the first line you set up a precedent like this: stressed, unstressed, stressed, unstressed: SAVE my LIFE oh VALley MOUNTain but then the next line throws it off: "MY heart's HEAvy and FILLED with WOE" See how there are two unstressed syllables next to each other? That's what makes it sound funky. It's the same deal in the other lines - there are two stressed or unstressed beats together.

Warning! Complete digression ahead: You might know all this already - sorry if I sound pretentious! But as long as I'm sounding pretentious, the name for this kind of meter, the stressed-unstressed pattern, has a name: it's a trochaic pattern. An iambic pattern (like the iambic pentameter of Shakespeare) is the opposite; the beats would be unstressed, stressed, unstressed, stressed, and this is what you do in the second line of of the second stanza: "for DREAD of DEATH blows OVer ME." That also kind of throws the line of in its way, but it's less noticeable than having two of the same stressed beats together.

Anyway, you might want to play around with the rhythm a little. To me, it seems like that second line is the one that could use it the most. On a more grammatical note, you might want a comma between "fresh" and "new" since they're both describing "snow." I think some grammar rule about this somewhere about how you're supposed to put a comma between two adjectives that modify the same noun or something, but whether it's a rule or not, I think it feels like that line needs a pause there. Oh, and the comma after "country" seems to interrupt the line - "wisk me to untroubled country, where the sun glints..." doesn't sound right to me. Also, isn't "whisk" spelled with an h? The period after comma seems a little restrictive, though - why not chance that one to a comma so it the next line can springboard off of it? Also, with "tender"... this verb seems a little strange considering all your fabulous nature imagery; it makes me think of banks and cash. Perhaps "render" instead? That might be too impersonal, but you might want to play with it.

Last grammatical thing: the second to last line is grammatically confusing to me. I puzzled over it for a long time until I realized that "solace" was being used as a noun and not a verb (because "solace" can be a verb) and that cleared it up, but its construction is rather archaic, so it's a really easy mistake to make. I fear you're sacrificing meaning for the sake of your rhyme scheme in this case, so I encourage to play around with this line. Is there any way you can make it so the verb isn't at the end of the sentence? Speaking of meaning and rhyme scheme, the last line of the second stanza strikes me as a little extraneous. What healing potion? That kind of makes me think that nature is a wizard somewhere, and that kind of combats the imagery. Is there a different rhyme you could find to make that line fit better?

All of that said, you know how horribly nitpicky I am. I really did love the concept for this - it actually reminded me a lot of Yeats's "At the Lake Isle of Innisfree" (Sorry, I'm on a Yeats kick right now) - it perfectly portrays the desire to go back to nature and escape all the craziness of the city. Your imagery is great, especially for such a complicated poem. You did a great job on this!

[Swetha]

i can imagine myself in this poem...how often have i longed for the pure, simple beauty of nature to wash away my worries. very nicely written.

[Carol Blake]

Oh, I feel I can breathe. I can inhale the cool crisp air and feel the wet cold slush beneath my feet and hear the crunch as I walk the mountain. I am healed by the words. The photo, the words - all healing, while I also miss the mountains. I used to live nearby. Now, hours and hours away. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing and congrats on your win! Well deserved. ;)

[emmajoy]

Oh my goodness .. how breathtakingly beautiful! That pic made me gasp with absolute joy and, your words compliment it to the highest degree.

I feel like that on certain beaches (hidden Dorset coves where the sea rushes its kisses against cliffs!) .. and at certain high points (as in the Scottish Highlands) .. pure spiritual magic, like bathing in something incomprehensible .. does that make sense. When I turn away, the feeling of awe stays with me for hours and the memory remains, just waiting to be recaptured.

Forgive me if I don't comment on the technical style of it .. though I thought again - ' have before, that there's a tinge of Longfellow's Hiawatha there .. specific flow, rhythm or whatever ..

.. it's the look of it and I could, COULD see ahead of me .. ocean and sky .. mountains and snow .. the glory of it all .. it's all there like a mighty tonic .. Nature's panacea ..

The last stanza is peacefully wonderful and more, I've run out of adjectives.

Nature, kind, remove my sorrow.
' With profound splendor fill my mind.
If this gift to me you’ll tender,
Today’s joys I’ll not surrender.
I’ll solace in your marvels find
And banish grief until tomorrow '

Magnificent writing.

[Ellen Hammond]

Such a beautiful poem of natures healing power or potion. In this write you have managed to make a complex scheme of rhyme, meter, and rhythm, seem almost simple, as it flows so well. And we KNOW that it is not an easy thing to accomplish. Great work, my friend. And congratulations on your award in the contest.

[Scarlet Pulse]

Again what great imagery and language you use. I can relate to this poem which makes it more wonderful to read. What a powerful title as well. I loved it! Wonderful.

[Anthony M Smith Jr]

Awesome poem! The words flowed into my eyes and into my soul! My essence has recovered from the long weekend of being with friends dealing with a terrible illness. I am ready for tomorrow and the next! Thank you my friend.
TT-TTO-NI-K
Elk

[JC]

Can't believe I oversaw this the first time...

I too turn to nature when the world weighs heavy on the soul.

A beautiful look at the world!

JC

[Greg Close]

Ummmm... after reading your poem, and then Emily Rose's critique, I now feel inadequate as both a poet and a reviewer. Another great verse from you, and some very in depth analysis from Emily (even though I parted theoretical ways with her on a few points). Humbled.

[J.K.P.]

Beautifully written! I loved how you used a consistent rhyming scheme: abccba. Very nice. :]
Thanks for submitting this into my contest!

[..R.I.P..]

This is a beautiful piece. I loved it. Great write.

Thanks for sharing.
~PJ