Why Rick, I think you've outdone yourself! I'm a big fan of your deep, philosophical and clever works, but your passion and love just spills over in this work - it's rare to see that kind of emotion so well-wrought and nicely executed! I absolutely loved the foxglove theme - you covered all aspects of the flower: its beauty, its sentimentality, its medicinal purposes and even its use as a poison. This was wonderfully clever and it really brought the poem together in a fantastic way. Your imagery was great too - and heightened wonderfully by the inclusion of your picture; good choice! The rhyme scheme was really creative too - I'm sure it was incredibly hard to follow at points, but you did a wonderful job with it. A few of the rhymes did feel a little forced (more on that later) but you can easily fix these places and otherwise the flow was quite natural.
I have some small critiques, though. Forgive me, but years of reading too much Shakespeare and Milton have given me a rather good eye for proper archaic spelling and usage, so I have a few corrections to make. The apostrophe in "'Twas" is in the wrong place. As you well know, apostrophes take the place of missing letters, so the apostrophe actually goes in front of the "t" to replace the letter "i" of "it." (This is a fairly common mistake; it's not like most people go around writing with the old spellings of English much! It adds a really nice demension to this particular poem, though, so I'm glad that you used it.) Likewise, the "apostrophied" version of "never" is actually "ne'er" - the apostrophe stands in the place of the missing "v." Also, I believe in the lines "we'd ere enjoy" you're using the wrong "ere." That form, (the unaposrtophied version) is actually an archaic term for "before," which doesn't make sense with the line. What you're looking for, I think, is the clipped form of "ever" which is spelled "e'er" (again, the apostrophe replaces the "v.") It makes much more sense in the line "and ere I'd be..." however.
The lines "for did my soul,/on seeing you/with sorrows first depart." are very sweet but also a little confusing. It gives the impression that your soul is departing WITH sorrows, i.e. departing from you and and taking all your sorrows with it. I think this confusion could be changed if you simply changed the "with" to "from," because then your soul would be departing from sorrows, which would make a bit more sense given what you're saying. Similarly, the line "And when we first made one" confuses me. When you first made one what? Do you mean when you first WERE made one? To me that would make more sense, since the stanza goes on to speak of vows, which generally implies marriage. In the stanza after that, the line "my paradise enow" rhymes, but since "enow" is an archaic form of "enough" it's a little hard to grasp; it feels like it needs more explaination - "my paradise enough because...". Perhaps you could change the "my" to "this," for "this paradise enow" and it would be more clear.
The line "And time can not erase" feels a little lopsided rhythm-wise, since it's only six syllables as opposed to your usual seven and the meter is a little off. I realize that you use six-syllable opening lines a bunch of different times within the poem, but this one sticks out to me for some reason. I can't really justify your changing it, but I thought I'd just point it out.
Personally, I think it just looks better for the word "cannot" to be one word. If there's a space between the "can" and the "not" it makes it feel a little strange because you have to wait that milisecond for your brain to process the negation, so I always think it's stronger to use "cannot" whenever possible. That's just a personal preference thing, though. Same goes for "without." I think it's just because I'm so used to seeing them as compound words that it becomes strange to see them apart.
To me, the lines: "and ere I'd be/bereft of you,/of needs I'd taste foxglove!" are the most powerful lines in the poem, but sadly right now I think they're also the weakest because it's the hardest to get at your meaning there. It think it's just the wording that's confusing, though, and that's easy enough to fix. "Of needs I'd taste foxglove" sounds strange and doesn't make a lot of sense on its own, although I see what you're trying to do: "before you'd die I'd poison myself because I can't live without you." Might I suggest that you replace "of needs" with "I'd must needs taste foxglove"? "Must needs" is an old idiom that essentially means "must necessarily" and it implies that something is incredibly necessary. I think it would fit your purposes and style quite well, while simultaneously clearing up the line. Hurrah!
I'm a stickler for this, but the line: "I'll sing forever praise!" sounds hollow to me just because of the diction -it feels to me like you came up with the line solely for the sake of the rhyme scheme (even though it DOES for what you're saying quite well and I can see where it makes sense). The inversion of words just doesn't ring true to me in this case because it doesn't really make any grammatical sense - it would be so much easier to say "I'll sing praises forever," except that wouldn't fit your rhyme scheme. What about "Forever I'll sing praise?" Still not 100% perfect, but it makes a little more grammatical sense, at least.
I also think the poem is a little over-punctuated; you pretty consistently have a comma after most of the lines in your stanzas, and the commas aren't always necessary. I would recommend freeing it up a little by revising the punctuation - which poems do you need and which don't you need? I think it would give the work a much freer feel.
Wow, that was long. Please don't be disheartened by my long string of critiques - most of them are very minor spelling and grammar things which are very simple to fix. Nothing at all in your general scheme was the least bit out of place, so only a few specific lines require reworking. All in all, this is a fantastic piece; just the way a love poem should be written: interesting, original, well-worded, passionate and clever. All of your strengths were clearly combined in this, and you did a fantastic job. It takes a lot for something to get onto my favorites list, but this clearly makes the grade. Well done!
Rick,
This is a fabulous and stirring write. Movements through each phase of the relationship and the parallels show a superb creativity. The work is well crafted to. I can see that you have carefully selected your words and phrases. You also avoid a common mistake in a write of this length, in that you did not forget the tempo as well as the literary context in which you were writing.
Critically, in stanza five, the rhyme seems to be out of place with the rest of the piece. I might have conveyed the exact message, but reversed line two to end with "meld". This might have given you a broader selection of closing rhyme for line five. Perhaps this might be composed as such:
"Bonded firm together,
Now our fortunes meld,
I held your love
above all else,
Paradise not withheld"
This is a beautiful round. You should be very proud of it. It speaks of your extraordinary love of the language!
Your friend,
Todd
Well done, Rick! Your corrections made this piece glitter and shine! There's just one that you missed though: "we'd e're enjoy" should be "e'er" - rule of thumb: the apostrophe always replaces a letter. Easy mistake :-)
The flow is much better now; how amazing that all it took was some minimal corrections to make this poem perfect! Wonderful job, my friend!
A very touching tribute to your true love and unique use of flower - yes, foxglove is a beauty that takes hold of the heart - I found it seemed to have significance as you worried about her possibly failing heart...how you remember the way the flower lined the walk - to the threshold over which you carried her as bride and built a life together. This is no doubt written from an intense state of emotion - adoration beyond the likes many will ever know. I have no criticism - the rhyme and meter made it timeless and the romance seemed to bloom fuller with each line - as it does with time, when with the right person.
Wow, thank you Emily Rose for a wonderful and detailed review. And it's not too long. On the contrary I was sloppy in many places where I knew better and in others I completely would have missed the mistakes. And your suggestions, as always, are on target and you find all the places in the poem that I, myself, find weak. Thanks for the corrections and the suggestions. Hopeful I have fixed the errors and incorporated your suggestions for improvement or found suitable alternative replacements. Thank you for your time and effort.
I adored the flower theme of the whole poem. And the symbolism concerning the Digitalis flower is just BRILLIANT. For love really is analogous to that flower: it can cure heart "failure", but may act as a posion (On heartbreaks and such).
And the word Boundless is perfect for the title. It stimulates my mind to conceive an image of a vast world, so abundant, so bountiful, and endless, like the sky. A very beautiful word, indeed !
Above all, I'm a sucker for love, and all what has to do with it! So you can say this poem really appealed to me, stimulated my senses, and took me to a million places, far away, into meadows, fields, and hills and hills of colored flowers!
Overall, great job, so beautifully painted :)
Why Rick, I think you've outdone yourself! I'm a big fan of your deep, philosophical and clever works, but your passion and love just spills over in this work - it's rare to see that kind of emotion so well-wrought and nicely executed! I absolutely loved the foxglove theme - you covered all aspects of the flower: its beauty, its sentimentality, its medicinal purposes and even its use as a poison. This was wonderfully clever and it really brought the poem together in a fantastic way. Your imagery was great too - and heightened wonderfully by the inclusion of your picture; good choice! The rhyme scheme was really creative too - I'm sure it was incredibly hard to follow at points, but you did a wonderful job with it. A few of the rhymes did feel a little forced (more on that later) but you can easily fix these places and otherwise the flow was quite natural.
I have some small critiques, though. Forgive me, but years of reading too much Shakespeare and Milton have given me a rather good eye for proper archaic spelling and usage, so I have a few corrections to make. The apostrophe in "'Twas" is in the wrong place. As you well know, apostrophes take the place of missing letters, so the apostrophe actually goes in front of the "t" to replace the letter "i" of "it." (This is a fairly common mistake; it's not like most people go around writing with the old spellings of English much! It adds a really nice demension to this particular poem, though, so I'm glad that you used it.) Likewise, the "apostrophied" version of "never" is actually "ne'er" - the apostrophe stands in the place of the missing "v." Also, I believe in the lines "we'd ere enjoy" you're using the wrong "ere." That form, (the unaposrtophied version) is actually an archaic term for "before," which doesn't make sense with the line. What you're looking for, I think, is the clipped form of "ever" which is spelled "e'er" (again, the apostrophe replaces the "v.") It makes much more sense in the line "and ere I'd be..." however.
The lines "for did my soul,/on seeing you/with sorrows first depart." are very sweet but also a little confusing. It gives the impression that your soul is departing WITH sorrows, i.e. departing from you and and taking all your sorrows with it. I think this confusion could be changed if you simply changed the "with" to "from," because then your soul would be departing from sorrows, which would make a bit more sense given what you're saying. Similarly, the line "And when we first made one" confuses me. When you first made one what? Do you mean when you first WERE made one? To me that would make more sense, since the stanza goes on to speak of vows, which generally implies marriage. In the stanza after that, the line "my paradise enow" rhymes, but since "enow" is an archaic form of "enough" it's a little hard to grasp; it feels like it needs more explaination - "my paradise enough because...". Perhaps you could change the "my" to "this," for "this paradise enow" and it would be more clear.
The line "And time can not erase" feels a little lopsided rhythm-wise, since it's only six syllables as opposed to your usual seven and the meter is a little off. I realize that you use six-syllable opening lines a bunch of different times within the poem, but this one sticks out to me for some reason. I can't really justify your changing it, but I thought I'd just point it out.
Personally, I think it just looks better for the word "cannot" to be one word. If there's a space between the "can" and the "not" it makes it feel a little strange because you have to wait that milisecond for your brain to process the negation, so I always think it's stronger to use "cannot" whenever possible. That's just a personal preference thing, though. Same goes for "without." I think it's just because I'm so used to seeing them as compound words that it becomes strange to see them apart.
To me, the lines: "and ere I'd be/bereft of you,/of needs I'd taste foxglove!" are the most powerful lines in the poem, but sadly right now I think they're also the weakest because it's the hardest to get at your meaning there. It think it's just the wording that's confusing, though, and that's easy enough to fix. "Of needs I'd taste foxglove" sounds strange and doesn't make a lot of sense on its own, although I see what you're trying to do: "before you'd die I'd poison myself because I can't live without you." Might I suggest that you replace "of needs" with "I'd must needs taste foxglove"? "Must needs" is an old idiom that essentially means "must necessarily" and it implies that something is incredibly necessary. I think it would fit your purposes and style quite well, while simultaneously clearing up the line. Hurrah!
I'm a stickler for this, but the line: "I'll sing forever praise!" sounds hollow to me just because of the diction -it feels to me like you came up with the line solely for the sake of the rhyme scheme (even though it DOES for what you're saying quite well and I can see where it makes sense). The inversion of words just doesn't ring true to me in this case because it doesn't really make any grammatical sense - it would be so much easier to say "I'll sing praises forever," except that wouldn't fit your rhyme scheme. What about "Forever I'll sing praise?" Still not 100% perfect, but it makes a little more grammatical sense, at least.
I also think the poem is a little over-punctuated; you pretty consistently have a comma after most of the lines in your stanzas, and the commas aren't always necessary. I would recommend freeing it up a little by revising the punctuation - which poems do you need and which don't you need? I think it would give the work a much freer feel.
Wow, that was long. Please don't be disheartened by my long string of critiques - most of them are very minor spelling and grammar things which are very simple to fix. Nothing at all in your general scheme was the least bit out of place, so only a few specific lines require reworking. All in all, this is a fantastic piece; just the way a love poem should be written: interesting, original, well-worded, passionate and clever. All of your strengths were clearly combined in this, and you did a fantastic job. It takes a lot for something to get onto my favorites list, but this clearly makes the grade. Well done!
So what's the most important thing to say about myself? I guess the overarching aspect of my personality is that I am a scientist, an astrophysicist to be precise. Not that I am touting science.. more..