Collar 'round my neck

Battling, but ne'er the master of the game

Lucifer, the fallen angel. 5 April 2008. From “The Mind of James Donahue", author James Donahue. Licensed through Wikimedia Commons.  Image available at commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lucifer3.jpg

 

 

Collar 'round my neck

...at the organ-grinder's wrist

Imprisoned by my finite mind
I struggle hard, but with eyes blind
My thoughts are black--
With woe aligned...

 

   Collar 'round my neck,
   at the organ-grinder's wrist!

 

Grapple, I, with world around me
Befouled heart and soul o'erwhelm me
How spirit yearns

Rise--Break free...

 

   Collar 'round my neck,
   at the organ-grinder's wrist!

 

And still cry, I, in agony!

Oh, live my dreams out peacefully
Yet I'm doomed--
Unheard my plea...

 

   Collar 'round my neck,
   at the organ-grinder's wrist!

 

But struggle, I, against these odds,
And with whole heart, I rail at gods!
I cannot fail―
Oh what facade!...

 

   Collar 'round my neck,
   at the organ-grinder's wrist!

 

Tell, who set this board I play on?
And with my ending sad, forgone?
Through such cruel rules
I'm cast the pawn...

 

   Collar 'round my neck,
   at the organ-grinder's wrist!

 

 

 

©2008, Richard Puetter

All rights reserved

License: Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic.  The original image can be found at http://www.flickr.com/photos/51035655711@N01/255405397. Foxtongue's photostream on Flickr.

Reviews

[emmajoy]

' Who did set this board we play on? .. And why our ending sad--forgone? -- Through cruelest rules -- I'm cast a pawn...'

Not sure we're cast as pawns, but that is how living life makes us feel. We're forever battling with major/minor problems which we think unfair, uncalled-for.. and so often or infrequently - depending on eyes open or half closed, we forget that tis easier to smile than cry. Perhaps?

Your words really pull mind above emotion, meeting somewhere 'up' there to be weighed with both a sensitive hand and a firm one during a lifetime. Who and what we are determines whether ot not we can ignore that collar or tear it away. Perhaps?

Superbly intricate post, a YOU one if ever was.

[Emily Rose]

I agree with Todd that the the first part flows better, but personally I liked the other refrian better. The fact that the first drafted refrain was out of sync with the rest of the poem set it apart and the difference in its rhythm made it sound more and more insistent as the poem went on, as if it were saying "pay attention to me! Listen!" Now that it blends better with the rest of the poem that effect is minimized somewhat.

I really like the update of the second stanza - it gives the poem more flare and more of a feeling of helplessness, which is great. In general that stanza is stronger than in the first draft - good job!

Regarding the third stanza - this time I caught something I hadn't before, because I was pay much closer attention to meter this time around. The line "spirit unbroken" throws of your rhythm and breaks the flow of the line. This is sad, because it's such a powerful line, and the meter confusion muddles it a little. "With whole spirit" or something similar would keep the meter on track - you just need to make sure your poetic feet stay in the right place.

Once again, though, the rhythm at the end of the poem throws me for a loop, but now I've figured out why - although you have the same number of syllables in the line, you change the meter at the end: it switches (rather abruptly) from iambs to trochees - the initial stresses on each word change. I've read it over several times, though, and the meter change is actually starting to grow on me. The sudden switch in meter is a lot like the jarring rhythm of the original refrain: the change forces you to pay attention. Given this fact, I'm not sure if the switch was intentional or not. As it is, you could either revise it to make the beats fit into the iambic tetrameter that you set up from the beginning or you could leave it the way it is and let the switch to trochaic meter reinforce the message of your last stanza.

My, that was technical. Forgive me, meter is apparently very important to me today. In summary, there are just a few tiny rhythmical issues, but otherwise the revision is wonderful!

[C.T. Bailey]

Much improved flow. The refrain does seem to not hit a hard "stop" at the end of the second line now. It seems to blend in better, but still provides the poignant contrast I think that your were looking for. One item I just noticed (which is really a matter of personal taste and sounds fine just as is) would be the first line in stanza four. Would this usage be in better keeping with the forsoothy speech you have selected for the poem --"Who did'st set this board upon which we play?"...Nothing wrong with what you have however. Much improved Rick. Very nice.

Todd

[C.T. Bailey]

Rick,
Such a fabulous illustration of the inner struggle of man. A struggle where it is many times uncertain who exactly our atagonist is and who exactly we are. This is well wrought with an extraordinary rhyme structure. For me the only thing that seemed slightly out of place was the ending of the refrain. It seemed slight jarring and out of keeping with the rest of the flow of this write. But that is from my perspective. I tend to write from a "common man's perspective" and sometimes I miss the bigger picture all together. So accept my criticism with a grain of salt. One other note, I believe that there is a possible ommission of a word in stanza for preceding facade...."a" maybe? The piece as a whole is a brilliant exhortation of this confusing struggle we called life where we at times assert our control only to discover that we were the pawns.

Your friend,
Todd

[Emily Rose]

This is really powerful! I think my favorite line might actually be the very first one: it often frustrates me that I have a "finite mind" and that it's impossible to know everything, or least everything that I want to know. You really capture the frustration of one who strives to learn but is foiled by his or her own humanity and human constraints. The refrain is great, too - that resounding image of being a monkey that is slave to the organ-grinder really drives your message home. I love the ending of the chess game, too - what a wonderful metaphor to end the poem! Tried and true and so deep and meaningful.

The language you use is a nice touch too - you execute the archaic style very well and it amplifies the whole idea that humans were always bound by their imperfections from the very beginning. It makes it feel old and wise as opposed to moden and inexperienced, which was a good choice on your part.

My only critique would be that there are times were the rhythm doesn't flow very well. The first stanza sets a pattern that you don't quite follow, and that was a little disappointing. The last stanza especially (despite its great content) seemed out of sync with the rest of the poem, and that weakened it a little.

Well done, though! This was great to read and it really made me think.

[Drifting Blue]

Love the refrain about the organ grinder. This is a tight work, very well thought out. The rhyme is very well executed. I would refrain from using those Shakespearean forms like didst. A poem, in my opinion should reflect the best of its own time, the lingua franca. But your intent may have been to use those ancient ways of speach to reflect the timelessness of the topic, in which case you have done what you set out to accomplish. I enjoyed reading this.

[Kaleidoscope Apocalypse]

There is vivid imagery in this piece! I was captivated, truly.

The pace for this poem was stunning and it flowed brilliantly.

It was an amazing write on such a struggle and I cannot seem to find too many a fault with it.

It certainly will be added to my library.

Wonderful write and an intriguing read! Thank you for sharing!