I AM A POTATO

Revision of a humorous poem about a couch potato

I AM A POTATO

By R. A. Merritt

I am a potato, but not russet, red or white

I am the kind of potato that sits up late at night

And I watch the tv shows, the shows I really dig 

And sit there on my chair and eat just like a pig 

I eat hot dogs, and burgers, and sometimes even fries

 

And though we are related none of them ever cries 

The only problem I see, the problem with this place 

Is how I might get more food to shove down in my face 

And how I might get it to come right near to me 

For its in my refrigerator some distance from me you see

And I know if it could hear me it would no doubt balk 

 

If I dared to ask it to get up from there and and walk

Bring me some bologna with mustard spread on bread

Bring me milk and cookies I need to be quickly fed 

And bring me lots of sodas the sweetest ones the best 

The ones that keep you up, you never need to rest

And please tell the potty I'll need it really soon 

I'll no doubt need it morning, night, and noon 

So don't stay in the bathroom come near to me as well

But stay far away enough so I can avoid the smell 

A few feet should do it and I don't much have to try 

While I eat my pumpernickel and my chocolate apple pie 

And soon my belly will get really big and I'll likely be a grouch  

As I sit here and eat content upon my couch

Yes I sit here eating sealing my certain doom 

While I should be out and playing I'm in my living room 

I should be out and running or playing with a bat 

Instead of sitting here and getting really fat 

So take a fool's advice heed my greatest fear 

For I know if I keep this up I won't have many years

I'll be like most potatoes then whenever they are found 

I'll be a couch potato buried in the ground 

And should they dig me up I'll be a terrible sight

 

And certainly something that would spoil your appetite

Author's Note

A poem I wrote for my grandchildren to caution them about over indulgence