Are you drunk?

I’m becoming quiet cynical in my old age, as my last post ‘The Murtaugh List’ may have suggested. There are just things that surely shouldn’t be happening at my age? I’m almost TWENTYNOOOINE after all �" any New Girl fans out there?

In light of this, here are the six types of drunk people, you’re sure to encounter at one point or another.

Happy drunk: This is by far the best kind of drunk to be. You’re out on the town, a few glasses of wine down and you’re bopping along to really any song that happens to be playing. Nothing can get you down and it won’t matter where the night takes you as you know you’ll make the most of it. These are the best drunks to be around… only however if you are just as inebriated. If you’re the sober Sally out on the jol, then there is nothing more annoying that a happy-go-lucky drunked you secretly wish would trip and be knocked the beep out. Bless you though, you’re a delight. Never change!

Talkative drunk: These are the people who end up cornering you while they tell you their life’s story. They’re more than happy to listen to you as well, but best you know that your story will never top theirs. Or they’ll find a way to relate your story back to theirs and continue yacking, and probably spit on you in the process. The best part about a chatter? More often than not, they make no sense, and have no recollection of said bonding session the next day. So don’t feel bad if you want to sneak off during.

Sentimental drunk: There’s nothing like getting up close and personal with your bestie… to let them know that they’re your bestie. For these types of drunks, their night is not complete, until they have told someone just how much they mean to them. It’s a beautiful thing, but sometimes you kind of just want to be like ‘tell me in the morning b***h, ain’t nobody got time for that now’. Still, the gesture is appreciated, but the execution could use some work. Also, please stop breathing on my neck.

Aggressive drunk: A night out really wouldn’t be complete without them. These are the crazies who pick a fight when they’re out, be it for the attention, or because their insecurities make them want to cut a b***h when they’ve had one too many toots. Either way, we advise keeping your distance from them, simply by not entertaining or encouraging them. Watching the drama escalate as an innocent bystander on the other hand, is definitely recommended. I mean drinks and a show? Olay!

Emotional drunk: The people who blame their emotional outbursts on different types of alcohol? I’m talking about you. No, Gin does not ‘make you cry’, you just drink enough of it to forget what emotion you should be feeling. Am I sad, am I happy, do my friends love me, why am I so fat, what is my role in the world and… tears. These people need to be left in their corner to have a little drizz until they forget what they were crying about in the first place.

Hoe hoe drunk: Also known as sleazy drunk. This drunkard’s night revolves around who they’re going to hook up with. And the more they drink, they lower their standards drop. Beer goggles are a real thing, we’ve all been there, and it’s not pretty. Literally. If you haven’t seen them all night you could probably guess where they were, or you’ll find them sulking in the shadows because they have failed to stick their tongue down someone’s throat. Boo!

We can all relate to one of the above let’s be honest. So here’s to another year of judging the s**t out of drunk folk. Cheers!