The Murtaugh List

In light of my recent 28th birthday, in the throes of one of the worst hangovers of my life, I turned to my favourite series, How I Met Your Mother, for some sort of inspiration. Not only did said series slay my Sunday demons, it also tackled my above issue and inspired me to write my next blog.

In Season 4, Episode 19, we learn about main character, Ted Mosby’s Murtaugh list. Basically it’s a list that he created based off of Lethal Weapon’s character, Roger Murtaugh, who is known for his simple, yet effective catch phrase, “I’m getting too old for this s**t”. The list consists of different things that Ted (at 30 years old) believes he, and his friends, are too old to do.

Naturally, I made my own. Do enjoy!

1)  You’re too old to pull an all-nighter.
Whether we like it or not, we have a body clock, that spazzes out when messed with,    resulting in an agonising week ahead. Plus ain’t nobody going to give you a medal for partying for 12 hours straight. Go home.

2) You’re too old to drink more than one tequila.
One is enough, two will make you mock-charge, and by the third you’re already sucking face with someone you thought was a Mexican. Olay!

3) You’re too old to kiss randoms.
Unless you’re snot-face drunk at have found yourself at Billy the Bums, you have no business making out with a stranger, who by the way will not call you the next day, and who is more than likely carrying a disease.

4) For that matter, you’re too old for Billy the Bums!
When a place like Colony Arms has a cut off time of 2am, you know that you should head home. Billie’s breads nothing short of sad men and women who are escaping their terrible marriages and you are their next target. Grrrr.

5) You’re too old to eat like you’re a teenager.
I was once averaging close to 30 Oreos a day and yet was completely baffled as to why I was not losing weight. Bless. By the time you hit thirty, best you get used to those extra KG’s, because just like you would say good bye to your twenties, say good bye to any chance of losing weight.

6)  You’re too old to drink box wine.
We’re at an age where wine should be appreciated, and preferably paired with a delicious (mostly healthy) meal. It should not be chugged at all hours of the morning, your head hanging back while a fellow drunk friend pours white wine into your mouth (read: all over your face).

7)  You’re too old not to visit your grandparents.
If you’re fortunate enough to still have them, make that time to see them, because at 28 it’s more than likely that they’re not going to be around for a whole lot longer. You’ll miss those intrusive questions and cheek squeezing, trust me.

8)  You’re too old for selfies.
NOT. You are NEVER too old to appreciate the money maker that is your face. Or in this case, mine. Wud up.

9)  You’re too old to spread rumours.
If you have something to say to a friend, then say it to their face. Speaking about it to every other Tom, Dick and Harry will just make you look like a loser. Also, no one likes a Drama Queen, rein that s**t in.

10)  You’re too old to be a ‘yes, man’.
You are no longer expected to do the things you don’t want to do, go to events you don’t want to go to, hang around the people you don’t want to be around. Age is beautiful excuse to get out of anything you’re not so keen on doing. Embrace it.