That One Thought or Feeling

Take a peek into this speaker's experience of a time when love and revenge meet a cold end.

That One Thought or Feeling

-John Peralta

    Ever get that thought or feeling in the back of your head that lingers so long that it affects the way others perceive you? It’s like something that brewed up on the inside begins to show itself on the outside. And then slowly but surely you begin to notice that this thought or feeling starts to make an expression on your face and your eyes slowly begin to become droopy, your lips begin to have some sort of frown on it. You have some sort of dead look on your face like you’ve been up for the past 24 hours. You make eye contact with your friends, your significant other, and your teachers. They seem to have a worried look as you do so. It’s like they are worried that you are depressed or that you need some counseling. “No. Not I,” you exclaim internally, “it’s okay, I don’t need any counseling.” But then your friends come at you, your significant other comes to your rescue, everyone you know worries about you asking, “Are you okay?” Inside, you want to spill so much information, but it can’t come out in the form of words, so instead you claim, “Yeah. I’m alright. Just tired.” Disaster averted. There was no big fiasco having to explain yourself and whatnot. Then, you finally get home. The thought is still there burning itself into your head and you figure it out. In your head, you say, “Let me text my significant other.” In the text box, you type, “Hey, remember that time when I told you I was ‘just tired?’ Yeah. I wasn’t. In fact, I don’t think I’m okay.” Hit send. You’re a little hesitant to send it, but you push through. You get a response. “Yeah. I noticed. What’s wrong? Tell me. You can trust me.” Again, you try to think about what it is, but it doesn’t seem to come out in words, so you send, “I just don’t know what it is. It’s just. I feel down. And I don’t know why.” And you look at what you just typed and you think, “This is f*****g stupid.” You hit send anyways. Now you really want a response. You want a response so bad that every second feels like a minute, every minute feels like an hour, and every hour feels like more hours. Bing! There's the response. “I’m sorry baby. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m always here for you.” Internally, you figure out that maybe you do need to talk to them. That you need to iron things out, yet you don't know what it is. So you type into the message box, “Wanna Skype?” And you now know you really need this. You get on skype and as soon as you see your significant other come online, you smash that call button and soon enough, you hear that calling sound. Relief. They answer asking, “Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?” You think to yourself thinking if you can muster up the courage to say it. You decide, f**k it. I’m gonna say it. “Maybe it’s the fact that you hated me for a week. Maybe it’s the fact that you sat there soothing someone else’s back while mine was being stabbed at the same time. Maybe it’s the fact that you are so ignorant to my feelings that you only cared about your own. Maybe it’s the fact that something I found to be simple just-so-happened to be some sort of complex thought in your head. You know what? I’m sorry for your failure to understand my feelings. I’m sorry that I can’t comprehend anything you say to me when you’re angry so I just say, ‘okay.’ I’m sorry that I’m trying to fight for this relationship to be stable, yet you want to victimize me. I’m sorry that I care about you so much that whatever you say, whatever comes out of your mouth is like a gospel to me. I’m sorry that I care about you so much that anything you tell me to do, I’ll do it. I’m sorry that I’ve been here helping you every step of the way so you can come back to backstab me. I’m sorry that I’ve trusted you with so much that you decided to use it against me. But it’s okay. I won’t give up on you. I will always let you scream at me. I will always let you victimize me. I will always let you shoot the bullets that make me bleed from within. Because in the end, you are the one who did that to me. Because in the end, you are the one with the gun, firing those bullets at me. And what have I done? I’ve taken the bullets for you. I’ve let myself bleed so you won't have to. I let myself suffer the agony and pain of everything thrown at me so you won't have to. And if there’s anything more I can do, then let me know. Because I will gladly throw myself under the bus just so you won't have to.” That’s it. You’ve just spat it all out. As you’ve finally completed this rant, you notice tears begin to form up in your eyes. You feel the tears rolling down your face. You want to bawl, but you know you're brave enough so all you do is sniffle. You look at the screen and you notice your significant other just sitting there with the face of concern. With the face of broken-heartedness. And to put the icing on the cake, you mutter under your quivering voice, under your tears, under your sniffling nose, “This is what I do to make sure this relationship stays secure. This is how hard I’ve been fighting for us. The least you could do, is do the same.” And that’s it. You’re there in your chair noticing that your sniffles are getting more frequent and that you’re slowly starting to bawl out. You notice she is doing the same. You seem to notice that she wants to say something. Your first instinct is to scream “WHAT?” But you tell yourself to calm down and you mutter the question, “What?” Her sniffling increases, her tears begin to flow quickly down her face. You don't know what she is feeling, but you hypothesize that she finally realized that what she is doing is not as bad as the s**t you’ve been through. You hear her sniffling on the mic. She begins to mutter something. She says, sniffling, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve done this to you. I’m sorry that I’ve been this way. It’s just who I am. And it’s someone you can’t get rid of. I’ve already done the damage. I’m sorry.” Again, there is a dead moment in the Skype call. You are both sniffling, You take a minute to understand what just went down between you two. You both have been hurt by the same person. You were hurt by her and she was hurt by herself. But all this sniffling and silence, you come to a realization. You utter as you are sniffling, “I forgive you. Don’t grow numb to this pain.” Your mouse is hovering over the hang up button but she says one more thing, “Will we still be together?” You’re emotionally confused to the point where you just hang up and jump onto your bed crying out loud. You have no idea what to do. You’re on your bed alone, in the dark. After ten minutes of self reflection, your first instinct is to grab your phone and text your significant other, “Count on it.” No emojis. Nothing. Just that, and you fall asleep crying. It’s just one of those feelings.

Author's Note

Should I separate into paragraphs? What do you think of the emotional appeal?