Boots

Fitting in and growing up

 Her own money. That’s all it had taken to make today happen. Jessi knew in her heart that it was right, what she wanted, needed. It had taken all her money, and mom wasn’t happy about that, but it ‘was’ her money. They were black, shiny and tall. She had played and replayed that record by Nancy somebody singing about them until mom had finally yelled “Stop!” even though Jessi could see she was smiling, but now they were hers. She smiled, realizing why that lady had been singing about boots.

 Jessi had gone back upstairs to her room after breakfast and undressed, but even though her door had been closed for 15 minutes, she still hadn’t put anything on. She sat on the floor, the morning sun warming her skin and brightening her room, the carpet warm but scratchy on her butt, as she looked at her new boots. She couldn’t wait to put them on, but she was too excited to decide what to wear with them, she just knew it had to be perfect. First day. The first day of school was today, first day in Jr. High, she reminded herself, where looks were everything, and the first day set the tone for the rest of the year. 1970 was going to be her year.

 There weren’t many fond memories from 6th grade. She had friends, but not ‘friends’. She did…OK in school, but mom always said she could do better. She wanted to do better, at least she thought she did, but there was so much going on it was hard to concentrate. She also remembered Cindy telling her all the way back in 4th grade, that boys didn’t like smart girls. Jessi wasn’t sure if she even liked boys, but she thought she might, someday. Someday didn’t matter though, because it was today, and today her life would change. She was a 7th grader and this year, she would fit in, people would like her, talk to her, maybe… laugh with her and point at all the other strange kids, which she dearly hoped with all her heart, would not be her again.

 She stood up and stretched in the sun like a leopardess, feeling her young muscles still warm from the sun. Smiling, she went to her dresser and pulled out the third drawer down. First things first she thought, her underwear drawer groaning as it dragged against the wood “thingies” it slid on. The dresser had been Roberts, a ‘boys’ dresser, and it was large and heavy and ugly, like Robert she laughed. Dad said a dresser was a dresser, but she saw mom felt the same way she did, even though she didn’t stand up for her when Jessi had asked for a girls dresser. She searched, moving underwear around until she pulled out her favorite pair, white with tiny rainbow colored hearts on them. She pulled them on, and reached back in for a pair of socks. Moving to her closet, she slid the door back and stood, staring into the closet, deciding what dress to put on. It would be as important as her new boots if she was going to be different, if ‘everything’ was going to be different this year.

 Looking at herself in the mirror, she laughed as she spun around, always keeping an eye on the mirror. Her dress was the soft brown of her eyes, with puffy sleeves and a tight waist before flowing out again. It only reached to her upper thigh, but that’s what the girls on TV were wearing. Mom is not going to like this she thought, I better make it quick. She sat down on the bed to pull on her boots, her boots! She could see her rainbow hearts reflected back at her, I have to be careful how I sit today, then pulled the boots on slowly. She loved the feel as she slid each foot in, zipping each one before standing up. The boots came up mid-calf, made from shiny black leather, with a chunky heel and a tapered block toe. The zippers were chrome, with round chrome rings to pull with. Maybe they won’t make my dress look so short she thought, before heading downstairs.

 Mom wasn’t happy with the dress she picked out. “It’s too short Jessi, go change”

“Mooom”. Jessi could see even her obvious exasperation wasn’t going to win this one, so she changed tactics. “I’m late, I don’t have time to change, I can’t be late for my first day”.

“Who are you walking to school with?” her mom asked.

 Why did she keep asking that question? It hurt to tell her that she didn’t have anyone to walk with, she never had. Why does she keep asking? “No one…mom, I have to go!”, then she was out the door, the screen banging shut, making as much noise as her mom, with about the same affect. She kept her mind working, trying to forget about walking to school alone. My lunch! she thought, before remembering, smiling at the thought, I get to buy my lunch at school now.

 Taft Jr. High was a much larger campus than Juarez Elementary had been. There are so many kids she thought, where did they all come from? She couldn’t see anyone who seemed as nervous as she was, but she did notice several people looking at what she was wearing, which made her smile. Lots of them were boys, which made her smile even more, then blush. Please God, let me be popular, let me fit in. Jessi realized, as she heard the first bell ringing, that she had no idea what her classes were or where they were going to be. She had forgotten, until now, that all her classes were not in the same room anymore. She needed to find her schedule, then find out where her classes were going to be. The first stages of doubt started to settle slowly around her lithe frame, as she ran to the offices to get her schedule. Please, please let things change, don’t let me be who I was.

 It was still early, but Jessi felt the day was going fine so far. Her first two classes, English and Art, seemed to be OK, a couple of girls she had never met before, commented on her outfit in second period, “cool boots” one had said. No great changes yet, but no real problems either. Gym had made her uncomfortable though. She didn’t mind the black shorts and white short sleeve shirt, but she never realized she would have to undress and dress in front of other girls, ‘and’ take a shower. I felt even more clumsy than I usually do she thought, I just didn’t know where to look. Her hair was wet now, that was another thing she hadn’t realized, there’s so much I don’t know about Jr. High, how am I going to make this work? Most of the other girls didn’t get their hair wet in the shower. Oh well, at least I keep it short, so it will dry soon.

 Jessi looked at her schedule for what she thought, must have been the 20th time, and saw she had lunch during fourth period. It’s going to happen here, for good or bad she thought, please let me change. Please don’t let 7th grade be nothing more than another year, just a continuation of first through sixth. Jessi had liked school when she first started, loved it actually. All those new kids, learning, painting, she had been so excited. She had had so much fun at the beginning, by the time she discovered there were cool kids and uncool kids, she was already on the wrong side of the definition. She had never had a chance to be cool, or avoid the things that were uncool. She had simply immersed herself in having fun and realized, too late it seemed, life had made the choice for her.

 Walking into the cafeteria, Jessi wondered what she didn’t know about lunch, and worried about standing out, in the wrong way, just when she needed to fit in. She didn’t have any ‘best friends’, so at least she didn’t need to worry about making them mad by not sitting with the “uncool” kids. This was her time, her day and it was going to be her year. The palette was clean, and she would make sure the picture she painted today, was one she could look at and smile, not hide in the back of her closet, like a few of her, umm.. unfortunate Art projects. ‘She’, was not going to be an unfortunate Art project.

 The first person Jessi saw was the very person she most feared, and hoped to find. If I am cut from the herd today, Shannon will be the knife. Shannon was probably popular even before she was born Jessi mused. Even in the hospital, I’ll bet the other girls wanted their crib next to hers. Despite her uncertainty, she smiled at the thought.  Shannon had never been mean to Jessi, she didn’t think she had ever been mean to anyone, except by exclusion. Shannon had what Jessi called, a solar problem, she thought the world revolved around her. Shannon didn’t despise the other childish comets and juvenile detritus that floated in her space, she simply didn’t realize they existed.

 Jessi decided it was best not to walk to Shannon, but to walk by her and see what happened. She saw Shannon look up at her approach, something that had never happened before. Yes! She had, what Jessi could best describe as a quizzical look on her face. Not annoyed, yet not accepting either. Her friends did whatever Shannon did, so Jessi was not surprised to see Shannon’s expression mirrored, in various degrees of success, by the girls orbiting around her. Shannon smiled slightly as Jessi approached, so Jessi slowed just slightly.

“Hey Jane, cool boots!”

She almost knows my name Jessi shouted to herself. “Thanks, I just bought them”. Why didn’t I correct her about my name Jessi thought. Because I would gladly change my name, if it got me into this crowd, although she wasn’t as comfortable with that thought as she would have wanted.

“Your mom bought them for you?” Shannon asked.

“No, I bought them myself. I had the money and when I saw them, I just bought them.” That statement wasn’t entirely accurate Jessi knew, she had seen them in a magazine and had spent weeks trying to find them in a store.

“Are you sitting with your friends?”

“I sit where I like” Jessi said, with much more bravado than had ever passed her lips before, “my friends” what friends “join me if they feel like it.”

“Would you like to sit with us?”

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!  “Sure, that would be OK”

Shannon looked at her friends, then at Jessi and said, “lets get our lunch then sit over there by that tree. Lisa, go get the table for us.”

 Jessi saw that Lisa didn’t say a word, or even look upset, she simply left the group and headed towards the table. Today is going to be different, she smiled inside with the thought. ‘I’ am going to be different. I don’t care if I have to change my name to Fred, I’m going to be popular, and it starts right now. Smiling outwardly now, Jessi followed Shannon towards the lunch line.

 Jessi walked into her room, closing the door behind her. She removed the towel, finished drying her hair, then dropped it on the floor, stopping a moment later to pick it up again, hanging it on the hook screwed to the back of the door. She walked to her closet, sliding the door to the right, rollers squeaking in protest as they slid along the metal track, then gazed at her clothes. A few minutes later, realizing she was still standing in front of the closet, she sat down on the carpet, stretched her legs out before her, and leaned her back against her bed, sighing. She rubbed her hands over the skin on top of her thighs and sighed again.

 I got exactly what I wanted she thought. A moment later, no… I got what I asked for. She was honest enough with herself to know the difference. So far, she had been cool for two weeks and four days. It was….    OK, but it wasn’t what she imagined it would be. She laughed, almost a snort, which made her laugh louder, despite her thoughts. She had never been cool, how could she have ‘ever’ imagined, or expected, what being in the cool crowd would be like. It wasn’t bad, many parts were kind of fun, but if she could describe it in one word, which her thoughts preceded to do for her, it would be…  secluded. From school, from the other students, even from the teachers, except Mr. Wright of course, but she would deal with that problem later.

 They walked around in a bubble of  ‘coolness’, immune from contact, or interaction, with “they that are uncool”. She, and her new friends were at the pinnacle of status that was the 7th grade, but Jessi mused, it’s lonely at the top. Not knowing what else to do, she got up and returned to face her closet. She reached in and removed her pink blouse with the multicolored paisley pattern, unpinning a white pleated skirt from its metal hanger. The skirt was longer than she liked, but it would get her by her mom without difficulty, and once she was a few blocks away, she would stop and roll the top over 2-3 times, until the skirt ended at the top of her thighs. I better remember to roll it back before I walk in the house she thought, or mom will find out what I’m doing. She reached back in and pulled out her boots, realizing she hadn’t worn them since the first day.

 Reaching Taft Jr. High, she saw her brother Robert standing by the bicycle racks next to the faculty parking lot. He was, of course, standing with his friends. She wasn’t sure what to make of Robert’s friends, but they had been spending a lot more time watching her whenever she walked by. She knew what to make of Robert though. He was, simply, mean, had already been mean to her, by the time she knew what the word meant. Never physical, but he went out of his way to make her life miserable. Jessi new Robert had to be an alien, not sure if it was because he was a boy or a brother, but she had no doubt of his interstellar guilt. No human could be as devious, mean spirited or strange as Robert was. She had actually gone into his room one night when she was 7, pulling his covers back to find the antennae, tentacles or weird eyes she knew he hid during the day time. That hadn’t gone well she thought, rubbing her butt in sympathetic memory of the spanking she had received after the yelling started, before realizing Roberts friends were watching her with a look best described as predatory.

 She loved Art, and she was beginning to like English. Mrs Lewis was a good teacher, and Jessi had discovered she loved reading. Writing, and all the rules weren’t that fun, but she had discovered some great books. She had even gotten used to gym, the changing and showering no longer bothering her. Plus, her hair stayed dry now, since she no longer got it wet in the showers. Walking back to the locker room from the ball field, she started to think about her other classes. She was as good at math as she wanted to be, which right now would be mediocre, science could be fun or gruesome, depending on what they were doing that day. Choir was embarrassing, she was not ashamed to admit she had a horrible voice, which left only… History.

 She had been surprised at first by how much attention Mr. Wright paid her in class. At first she thought it was because she sat in the first row, just to the right of his desk. He was constantly asking her to answer questions in class and called on her quite a bit more than the others it seemed. Until she noticed, he never looks at my eyes when he speaks. She didn’t know what to make of it at first, but after realizing that first time what had been going on, crossing her legs as a result, Mr. Wright had become…  distant. She was going to ask to be moved closer to the back of the class today, and speak to Principle York if Mr. Wright didn’t allow it.

 That still left the problem of Shannon and the cool kids. Problem?, Jessi thought. Why is being cool a problem? Because I may not have liked who I was, but I like who I’m becoming even less. She remembered Pam in her science class had seemed very nice, and had tried to engage Jessi in conversation several times. Jessi thought Pam might be the friend she had hoped for all her life, but each time Pam tried to talk with her or get to know her, Jessi could see Shannon or one of the elite looking at her with anticipation and expectation, for the snubbing of the uncool, ‘unclean!’ So far, Jessi had answered that unspoken summons as expected.

 Walking into the cafeteria, Jessi went through the line to get lunch, grilled cheese sandwich, chips, milk and a pie, then walked over to “their” table. She set her tray down next to Lisa’s, then sat down on the bench. She listened to the mindless conversation  for a few minutes, not realizing her food sat cooling on her tray. Am I cool or not? Am I happy, do I belong here, is this what I want 7th grade to be? Jessi stared at her food for a few minutes before sitting straighter and smiling to herself. My boots got me into this, my boots are going to get me out. She stood up, startling Shannon and the others out of whatever mindless conversation they were involved in.

“What’s going on?” Shannon asked.

“Nothing. I think I’m going to sit over there” she said, pointing to a table next to the entrance to the gym.

“Why?”, Shannon said, startled.

“Because that’s where I belong”

Jessi picked up her tray, looked down at her tall black boots, and allowed them to walk her over to the other table and its lone occupant. “Hi Pam, do you mind if I sit here?”

Pam looked surprised, then wary, before breaking out into a shy smile. “Sure”.

Jessi set her tray down, then sat down across from Pam. “Who’s your partner in science” she asked, before taking her fork and cutting a piece of her pie. She had always loved dessert first.

Author's Note

Trying my hand at writing youth fiction.

Reviews

[Marie]

A little long but pretty good. A lesson to be learned. If you try to be what you aren't it can't ast. Eventually you go back to being yourself. Jessi was lucky it happened quickly for her.

[RoughWaterJohn]

Thanks Marie! I have been where Jessie was, I don't remember that I chose as well as she. :-)

[Marie]

I also have been where Jessie was. I had to pretend to be what I wasn't in order to get something I wanted. But eventually I had to go back to being me.