chapter 2

the second chapter and junk

A large moss covered boulder rolled back and forth in a small U shaped hole. No one in Empty Grove could remember how it had started rolling, nor how it kept rolling, just that it did. The boulder was considered to be villages good luck charm and the villagers believed that as long as it kept rolling the village would prosper.

(Note: the real reason the boulder was rolling back and for was due to a spell created because of a bet between two drunk wizards on whether or not a rolling stone could collect moss. Unfortunately the two wizards forgot to turn off the spell because they had no memory of it from drinking Forget-Me-Not wine, which is well known for its mind wiping and unusual acts of magic abilities).

 The dragon, the troll, and the 12 foot tall vampire rabbit were at that time headed right for that very village, heading straight for the rolling stones bus …what the?... anyway heading straight for the rolling boulder. As all this nonsense was happening the dastardly villains mother was on her way to the hospital all the way from her winery in Empty Grove, where she heard her son was sick, she claims she heard it “through the grape vine”. The dastards mother arrived at the hospital, via a boat on the time stream, right before the dastardly villain got stepped on.

 

After healing her son the dastards mother convinced her son to return home for some R&R before he started any new plans. After agreeing the dastard and his mother headed to Empty Grove via a boat on the time stream. Once they arrived the dastard went to his favorite thinking spot on the left side of the rolling boulders little canyon. (Who ever thinks they know what’s going to happen next don’t bother reading the next couple of paragraphs as there rather painful).

It had been a long time since the dastardly villain had been to his favorite thinking spot and it had rained the previous evening making the lip of the rolling boulders little canyon rather weak. The dastard not knowing this walked brazenly out on the lip and sat down. Now Empty Grove’s people were well known for having a stiff upper lip, but that was not the case with this lip.

 Right then the dragon, the troll, and the 12 foot tall vampire rabbit were nearing Empty Grove, they would have been there sooner but an orgy of dwarves had been in the way and the stench of their unshod feet had halted the chase temporarily. After edging past the four barefooted dwarves the three continued chasing each other. The troll, being chased by the other two, ran right past Empty Grove and right past the rolling boulder narrowly missing stepping on the dastardly villain. The dastard while recovering from the shock of nearly being stepped on by the troll a second time failed to notice that the troll’s passage had upset the fragile soil of the lip and caused the ground to collapse under the dastardly villain dropping him into the little canyon of the rolling boulder.

 

And now because of complaints from critics and due to the recent strike by the narrator we will write from the perspective of the dastardly villain, but only until we can get a narrator scab.

 It had been a really bad day for me I had been electrocuted, stepped on and my plan to acquire the services of a dragon had all met with failure but the worst part was that my mom had to come get me. But now sitting at my favorite thinking spot I feel calm and ready to do anything. No! it can’t be how did that troll find me…

 

 Our narrator has crossed the picket line; apparently the narrator discovered that we weren’t paying him for narrating anyway, so he had nothing to complain about. Plus we offered him dental.
 
 Now the dastardly villain dropping into the little canyon caused the moss covered boulder to bounce off the dastard’s body and out of the canyon. The moss covered boulder just happen to roll the same direction as the troll, dragon, and 12 foot vampire rabbit. The dragon had noticed the boulder and was formulating a plan while chasing, being chased, and trying to control his sneezing. It wasn’t until, while running passed a large castle a wall flower reminded him that he could fly, did he come up with a plan. (wall flowers always help dragons, no one knows why).  The dragon waited for the boulder to near the vampire rabbit before taking flight once it was close the dragon took flight and let the boulder run over the vampire rabbit then the troll, unfortunately at that time the dragon also remembered he was a nocturnal dragon and promptly fell asleep. After the dragon crashed he was nearly smashed by some nearby rolling hills, lucky for the dragon a pool of quick sand was between him and the rolling hills. The quick sand caught the rolling hills and reduced them to a sunken acre of land.

 

MEANWHILE! We will go back to are hero’s because as the hero’s they are the focal point of this so it makes sense that we go back to them. Anyway while the dastard was lying broken in the canyon and the dragon was sleeping our hero’s were attempting to cross a seemingly empty field, though obviously this was not the case because every few steps they would encounter numerous large creatures that seemed to wait around for the hero’s to attack, then once defeated would disappear leaving behind a pile of perplexing items.(Interesting note: the politically correct act of 1327 forbid narrators or hero’s from calling creatures “monsters” only towns folk and king are allowed to do that).

 

 Once the hero’s passed the seemingly empty field, they made good time to the nearest castle in the area: Castle E-moat. A castle known for its emotional people, smiling faces and oddly shaped moat.

 

 Now on to a similar yet completely different note. 50 miles Southwest of our hero’s, lived a great big dwarf, so huge was he that he was often mistaken as a giant from the neighboring town. People from miles around would greet him with the traditional giants greeting, dropping a rock on his foot, which he found to be highly annoying. Now the reason he found this you be annoying was because dwarfen women find male dwarves with perfect feet to be the most attractive, which ruined any chance he had of finding a dwarf wife.

 

 But we’re getting off topic. Once our hero’s reached the castle they talked to the king hoping he had a quest to give them, but all he had to give them was a fugitive man hunt sent to him by his younger brother from WIN 97 for some escaped prisoners. But due to the fact that the fugitives where now part of the hero’s group, they where forced to politely decline the quest and leave as soon as possible. Which was a shame because they did have a decent chance of completing said quest…

 

As they where leaving they came across a young boy with a quilt, who asked them if they would like to know the true meaning of Christmas? To which our hero’s politely inquired as to what Christmas was, as the only event that the kingdom had (next to the king’s birthday) was Chris mess. Now Chris mess is the day long ago when the lands most powerful mage (Chris) accidentally dropped a chocolate bar into a river making spell he was working on in order to save a mill from going out of business, the mill had for some reason been built next to a dried up river, the resulting spell change the river in to a endless river of chocolate. The mill remodeled it’s self into a chocolate shop now renowned for it’s chocolate shakes, the best in the kingdom. Every year those devoted to chocolate made a pilgrimage to the river in order to cleanse themselves of the unholy vegetables they were forced to eat during the rest of the year. Now as it turns out the hero’s merely misheard the boy as he had his thumb in his mouth at the time and had slightly slurred his speech.

 

Now as all this was happening a rather peculiar creature was making its way through the foot hills surrounding the sandal woods this creature, a Nagumwasuck, was attempting to out run a string of bad luck that was tied to its foot. You see Nagumwasuck‘s are not the prettiest creatures and get very emotional about that fact, and as such they tend to break any mirror they come across  in addition to receiving seven years bad luck they also anger the mirrors owner. Now in this case the Nagumwasuck, lets call him George, had broken a magic mirror just as the mirrors owner had been asking it about the general fairness of their own self. Luck was on George’s side though because the owner got distracted by a young woodsman holding a box. Though at the moment George was attempting to out run the bad luck following him, as bad luck doesn’t‘t run to fast he might succeed.

 

But who cares about that lets talk of more enjoyable diversions like taco’s, taco’s are intriguing, they are a subtle testament to the duality of humanity, hard, rough and easily broken on the outside and soft and…uh…tasty on the inside. I truly mean this as a deeply philosophical theory and not because I’m hungry. Plus the word “taco” is so much fun to say, say it with me now: Taco, tah-coh. Fun huh? Anyway back to the story.

 

 At this particular instant our friend George (you remember him don’t you? I do hope you do I mean we just mentioned him one paragraph back and if you didn’t I would have to recommend you some Gingko Balboa or something) chanced upon a small patch of good luck in the form of a black cat, now George made it passed the cat before it could cross his path but the bad luck was not so…uh lucky… the black cat crossing the bad lucks path created a quandary. That is to say should the bad luck chase George or should it chase it’s self.  Now usually in situations such as this bad luck would delegate the job of chasing it’s self to its cousin rotten luck, but as…uh luck… would have it rotten luck was away on vacation, so bad luck was left with no choice but to chase it’s self around.
And thus the Nagumwasuck, we decided to call George, was saved.

 Now we go straight away to the next chapter without explanation.