Chapter 1

um the first chapter?

 

 In a crazy upside down right side up world where people are not trees and stories flow from the pen of a maniac, there are three people walking down a path in the forest. One is the heir to a kingdom nobody has ever heard of. The second is the greatest sword master in existence. Who just happened to be deathly afraid of swords as he thinks they are gremlins that turn people into carrots. And the third is the most powerful Elvin sorceress in the world, who oddly enough refuses to believe in the existence of elves or magic.

But this story isn’t about them it’s about this really boring turnip farmer…who appears to have just been buried under a massive pile of deep fried watermelons…hmm…well back to the three adventurer’s I guess. Their names are Charming, Slash, and Katy. I’ll let you figure out who’s who, as you appear to be relatively smart. Our three hero’s‘, who we seem to be stuck with, coincidently are on a quest to find a turnip farmer. Who randomly generates large piles of deep fried watermelons. Usually on top of himself, and they were to save him from his particular curse.

 While our hero’s close in on the turnip farmer. On the other side of Ridicule, a dastardly villain attempts to escape the odd weather patterns that seem to follow him everywhere. (Note: the land of Ridicule is named as such because of the fact that after the elves conquered the land they “thought it would be funny” if they called it Ridicule. The name stuck mostly because those who were conquered did not know what the word meant and thought it sounded “neat”). The fact that there was a villain running from the storm clouds that were following him is not really relevant to the story thus far, but will become important later, or so I’m told.

 

But at the moment it is not, so we will go back to our three heroes‘, who are currently facing a very large and possibly dangerous pile of deep fried watermelons. Charming turned to Katy and asked if she could lift the pile of deep fried watermelons with her magic. (Incase you haven’t figured it out yet Charming is the hair…er…heir guy). While Charming waited for an answer. Katy, who hadn’t been listening to the strange old guy who had given them the quest, asked Slash why there was a large pile of deep fried watermelons in front of them. Slash meanwhile was busy dragging the turnip farmer out from under the pile.

 

The dastardly villain was at that very moment beating a small black rain cloud away with a stolen broom. While at the castle WIN 97 a servant broke a very rare color changing plastic spoon. Which isn’t the least bit relevant to the story but held dire consequences for the servant. Back to what is really important. Charming was yelling at Katy for ignoring him, while Katy was having a flash back to try and figure out why they were standing in front of a pile of deep fried watermelons. While this was happening Slash was kneeling over the rescued turnip farmer asking if anyone knew CPR.

 Meanwhile the servant at castle WIN 97 was being dragged by two guards to see the king about the spoon (the spoon happened to be the kings favorite). This of course is not important because at that very moment the turnip farmer woke up and accidentally buried the three hero’s and himself under an even larger pile of deep fried watermelons. This was hardly his fault as he was cursed and really had no control over the watermelons at all. While all this chaos was going on a young pixie, who had been drinking heavily flew into the eye of a monk. The monk had made a vow of silence. But did what any person in that situation would do and that was cussed very loudly. Causing a young girl, who was walking nearby, to blush. A boy walking by her assumed that that meant the girl liked him. While in reality the girl truly loved the boys’ best friend. This lead to a rather interesting love triangle. This is as relevant to the story as the servant who broke the king’s spoon.

 

The three hero’s at this moment were in terrible danger because all three were allergic to deep fried watermelons, and being buried under fourteen tons of them wasn’t helping much. Our hero’s ran into a wonderful bit of luck, for at that moment a vegetarian giant happened by, who loved deep fried watermelons. A deal was struck with the giant as soon as the giant ate enough of the watermelons for our hero’s to escape. Not ten minutes later the giant walked off with the turnip farmer sitting happily on the giants shoulder. Our hero’s having completed their quest headed to the nearest castle. Which happened to be the castle Win 97 (note: the castle is called WIN 97 because the occupants considered the castle Weird in Nature, thus WIN. The 97 was added because they thought WIN 98 was a stupid name).

 

 In the castle at that moment the servant, who had broken the spoon, was being held in a dungeon with a pixie who had been arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct and for assaulting a man of the church. Both were try to formulate a plan so they could escape. The dastardly villain was having a worse time then the servant and the pixie, because the rain cloud had “struck” upon an idea which mostly involved a bolt of lightening and the broom the villain was holding. Needless to say the villain took the brunt of the attack while the broom miraculously survived. The villain spent the next few weeks in a nearby hospital with a very worried rain cloud by his side. You see the rain cloud was in fact in love with the villain, but the villain is kind of dense and therefore had no clue about the rain clouds true feelings.

 

 (Note: a strange phenomenon has been observed by scholars over the century’s involving villains and the relative atmosphere surrounding them. This is mostly exhibited with lightening, which loves to add it’s two cents usually right after the villain says something dramatic. Black storm clouds are also often observed hanging around villains castles. Mostly because the male black storm clouds have found it a good place to “pick up chicks”).

 Suddenly the authors pen ran out of ink. But the author had a spare pen and thus the crisis was averted.

 

 Meanwhile a young unicorn was puzzled to find herself in a stable. As she distinctly remembered falling asleep in a wheat field. The unicorn pondered this for a few minutes and when she finished she looked up to see a human and a pixie trying to coax her over to them with a carrot. (Note: the servant and the drunk pixie had escaped through their cell door. Which the guard had neglected to lock). The unicorn offered to help them in their escape, as soon as it was explained to her. And the three set out for the road into the forest, after bribing the guard at the gate to let them out.

 Heading towards the unicorn, pixie, and servant were our hero’s. Meanwhile a tree fell in the forest when no one was around. And the dish ran away with the spoon…wait who wrote this? Anyway ignore the tree and spoon thing. The author has been suitably smacked and will hopefully continue the story with no further interruptions. Our hero’s soon ran into the unicorn, pixie, and servant. Followed by spending a few weeks at the nearby hospital. With a certain deeply charred villain as their new roommate. Meanwhile the hospital staff put up signs in the forest which read: “no running” and, “watch were your going”. Which was good because the hospital could only handle ten injured people and with seven already there they were almost out of room. (Interesting note: at this current point in Ridicules history only doctors, scholars, and royalty knew how to read).

 On a small hill, over looking the hospital, a young dragon slept. Which isn’t all that unusual because this species of dragon is nocturnal. At that moment the young girl who was blushing earlier (you do remember her right) was carried off by a large troll. The troll became startled by the girls scream and ran up a small nearby hill to hide in case anyone tried to rescue her. (Note: trolls are cowards. This was proven by the troll uprising in 1407 when the fierceness of the trolls own army made them surrender. This lead to some controversy over whither they were cowards or just stupid). While doing this the troll stepped on the sleeping dragon’s tail. Causing the dragon to wake up and launch a fireball at the hospital. Now normally this would have caused a lot of damage to the hospital. But as it happens the black rain cloud, which loved the villain, was storming outside. Because the drunk pixie had said some things, that would make a sailor blush, to the cloud. This wasn’t really the pixies fault. That’s just how pixies are. Anyway the fireball flew right at the cloud and was extinguished. Thus saving the occupants of the hospital a few weeks on their recovery and the hospital a hefty repair bill.

 

During this time the author got a case of writers block™. As the author had no use for writers block™. The author simply put it on Ebay and continued writing. (Note: writers block™ is a product similar to sun block but varies in the fact that it blocks writer’s block, as some writers fear writer’s block).

 

At that moment half way across the land of Ridicule the troll was still running. With a very angry girl still in it’s hands. You see the girl broke a nail during her capture. (Note: once a troll starts running they tend to forget why they were running and just continue doing so till they die of exhaustion or they trip over their shoelaces… which are always untied).

 

 While this was going on the dragon was offering his apologies to the hospital. The dragon then offered to heal all the people’s injuries. The hospital staff of course had no idea what the dragon was talking about, as none of them were outside at the time. But one never says no to a dragon when they apologize. So our hero’s and the pixie, servant, and unicorn (all fully healed) set off for their next adventure (you see while they all were injured they all got to know one another and decided to travel together).

 

Five minutes after our hero’s left the dastardly villain also left (the villain had stopped to try and talk the dragon in to working for him. He failed of course as dragons tend to only work for the winning team). As the villain walked away from the hospital he was stepped on by the troll, who had somehow gone in a big circle and ended up back at the hospital. The troll became confused by the two different screams, the girls and the villains, and tripped on his shoelaces falling on and breaking the “no running,” and, “watch where you’re going” signs. Now the dragon, who was watching all this, recognized the troll as the person who stepped on his tail, and proceeded to chase the troll. The troll upon seeing the dragon quickly got up and ran, while forgetting about the girl. Thus, the girl was rescued. While the dragon chased close behind the troll.

 

Meanwhile, the dastardly villain was taken back to the hospital, where many a cast was put on him.
As this was happening. Two half-lings were sent on a noble quest, to take a old ring across untold perils and half way across Upper Terra to a pawn shop and use the money to buy eggs for their brothers birthday party (bet you thought I was going to spoof on another story there, didn‘t you?). Seconds after that last statement was made the author was smacked and ordered to get back to work by the evil overlords. (Note: Upper Terra is the name of the county in the lower right corner of Ridicule).

 

 On the other side of Ridicule a minor villain (meaning he isn’t as evil or as powerful as the dastardly villain, but he is a great deal luckier) had devised a scheme to control all of Upper Terra by holding their egg supply hostage, as it’s a well known fact that the people of Upper Terra love their eggs.
The two half-lings weren’t concerned about this because they had already purchased their eggs and where on their way home. As the minor villain sat plotting he saw a troll run by, followed by a dragon, followed by a 12 foot tall vampire rabbit. The minor villain got up from his planning, walked over to his tower, grabbed a bottle of wine and proceeded to get very drunk.

 

As to the reason the 12 foot tall vampire rabbit was chasing the dragon and the troll, it involved an accidental fire ball and a patch of rare blood carrots. (Note: nocturnal dragons are terribly allergic to 12 foot tall vampire rabbits and tend to sneeze fire balls when around them. Oddly enough their not in the least bit allergic to 11 foot tall vampire rabbits).

 

In the next episode we will watch the exciting conclusion to the high speed chase involving the troll running from the dragon, the dragon running from the 12 foot tall vampire rabbit, and the 12 foot tall vampire rabbit running from the terrible memories of watching his prize patch of blood carrots being destroyed in a fire ball. Well will also join both our hero’s and the author in their search for a plot. That meaning joining our hero’s as they search for another dastardly plot to foil. And our author who’s just searching for a plot. You will also get to see the narrator dance even closer to copyright infringements.

So join us next time for “get your melons off me” or “rabbit stew” on the next episode of Rocky and Bull…er I mean “The Adventures in Ridicule”.

Reviews

[Adela Muresan]

Hihihihihi� hehehehehe�hohohoho�hahaha

You should seriously think about publishing this :) � it's the kind of book that gets people out of depressions, or bad moods.

For a moment I thought you were going for a children's book, but I noticed you were just playing with ideas. And you did a good job :).

A.M.

[The Hatter Girl]

Lols, this has to be the most interesting thing I've read all day.