Satie neighbors

 

up

(s

   t

      a

          i

              r

s)

2^nd floor she’s vacuuming, again.

wearing (heels), non-the less.

 

Gnossienne by Satie

                                  dances

It’s morbid       spindle turn (table) from

                                   

                                      my sub-woofed (computer)

 

 

 

and in

setting October

cool blue darkness, pre (mosquito) freeze and chill breath

 

the lady,

       blue sweat suited and loosing weight,

                                          from the 3^rd floor,

                             walks pug and recently trained, Simba,

 

on a (leash).

 

 

she’s going 

down now,

  to do the

scented clang                               (laundry)

 

across the quad,       he’s folding (paper) put out (cigarette)

 

humming

 

pre freeze

 

and chill

 

(death)

 

 

Reviews

[H. M. Clark]

I have to appreciate something like this- the old take on the new topic. I like how well you present your imagery, and the way you write the words, because the way it sounds is very broken up and nice. I almost would have liked more use of the concrete poem idea, like vacuuming... could be vacuuuuuuuuuuuuuming to make the sound of what you're talking about and give more of a visual. But, please feel free to ignore me. I think critiquing poetry is a lot like telling someone to move a line in an abstract painting, especially something like this. Unless the colors are muddled, and it really is bad, it is hard to tear down along lines of structure, especially when you are working with your own. Very well done.

[Emilia]

I love Satie! And I absolutely loved this poem. How fantastic, I must say. Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic. I love the descriptions, the tone, and especially your reading. You started a chill up my spine.

Favorite.

[Misha London]

i must agree with heather. the format was amazing!

i love this!

[Heather Angelika Dooley]

Your layouts are always so supreme! I LOVE how you stair-stepped the word "stairs"! That is just so visually prime...

This line was lovely:

"setting October
cool blue darkness, pre (mosquito) freeze and chill breath"

As always, a wonderful work!

[Ilene M.W. Lush]

so esoteric satie ha love it
parch? cage? tristan tzara