Chapter One

Chapter One

The wind howls as I press tight against my brother, desperately trying to keep him warm against the dead, barren tree. My stomach growls, but I have to save our food. We only have so much, and Leon needs it more than I do. I hug him tighter as an icy breeze comes in, my brother’s dirty blonde hair ruffling in the wind.

“How much longer, Rose?” his voice quivers, his ice-blue eyes staring up at me.

“Only a bit longer,” I assure him, trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice, “We’re just resting behind this tree till the wind dies down.”

He nods, shifting his skinny 10-year-old body more into our one coat we thought to bring along. But at least we have it.

I miss the times before these… when I had parents, a home, food… but that seems like ages ago. And all of it is gone.

I groan as I get up- there’s got to be better shelter than this tree.

“C’mon,” I mutter to my brother, “let’s see if we can find somewhere better.”

He doesn’t move, still shivering in the coat.

I sigh, “Lemon, come on. We can’t stay like this, it’s too cold.”

My nickname for Leon usually annoys him, and I try to avoid it, but when I’m frustrated, it sometimes just… comes out. And we can’t stay too long here.

“Just… need… a little… more… sleep…” he breathes out.

“No, no more rest,” I say sternly. I really can’t carry him right now, I don’t have the energy or the strength.

I start to pull him off the ground, using all my strength to try to get him moving. “Remember it’s just a bit longer…” I mutter under my breath, not exactly intending it for him.

“You promise?” he whispers.

I hug him tightly against me, making slow small circles on his back, “Yeah, yeah I promise.”

Technically not a lie… I don’t exactly know where we are going- we just need a place. I let him lean against me as we slowly walk across the snowy hills. As we go I try to look brave, I don’t want to worry him.

Eventually, we come upon a destroyed city, most likely the cause of the Great War. I quicken my pace, feeling my fingertips turn numb. Finally, we come upon a mostly intact home, a whole 4 walls around a concrete floor and a semi-solid door.

I rub my hand against the wall- it looks exactly like ours. Looked, I correct myself, it’s not ours anymore. We head to the corner farthest from the window, our coat barely keeping us warm.

We snuggle in as best as we can, and as the storm brews I find my eyes slowly drooping until I finally close them. Getting rest at last.

~ • • • ~

It’s nighttime, I’m back home. My room has the familiar gray walls, my metal desk snuggly in the corner. I’m lying on my bed, concentrating on a particularly hard piece of homework. If France is planning an attack precisely at 00:00, at what time should the army leave to stop the attack? I’m trying to decide between 22:00 and 22:30 when my mom knocks lightly on my door.

“Come in,” I say, still focused on the assignment.

My mom closes the door, “How’s the homework coming along?”

I shrug, “Homework’s homework. A bit stuck on this one question though.”

She smiles warmly at me, glowing in the moonlight, “Maybe I can help?”

I nod beside me, keeping my eyes on the question. I push my glasses up my nose, the blue frames matching my similar eyes. Maybe if I focus enough… Perhaps I missed a detail?

My mother quietly observes, rubbing small circles on my back. My eyes slowly grow heavy; she always does this when I have trouble falling asleep. The calming motion makes me focus more, like she’s clearing the fog from my head.

“I’ve got it!” I passionately say, “It’s a trick question, one must never be too prepared… we send out our armies as soon as possible to surprise them!”

My mom kisses the top of my head, “I knew you would get it. You have your father’s genes.”

My father is a “rarity” in our society. Most people graduate and join the military at the age of 16. But, to the surprise of everyone, my dad’s intelligence was so great he joined at the age of 14. I hope to be like him, but unfortunately, it seems as though I might turn out like everyone else. I’m 15 now and not even close to graduating.

I brush my brown hair out of the way, “Well, not all his genes.”

My mother smiles, “Well, it’s good enough for me.”

I sigh, “I just hope I can serve our country well.”

My mom lifts my chin, “Well, I for one know for a fact you will.”

She tucks me in gently, her fingers grazing the blanket and carefully arranging it. She must be an amazing nurse.

She kisses me on the forehead, her lips smooth and calming, “Good night.”

~ • • • ~

I shiver, grasping for our jacket. Unable to locate it, I slowly open my eyes. I know the dream wasn’t real. Dreams are just… dreams. 

And anyway the next day after that my dad died… and that day everything changed. I grimace, blocking the memory for now.

I look around, trying to find the jacket. The wind must have blown it over during the night. I sigh, I don’t want to get up. Once I do I’ll never fall back asleep.

But I must, I can feel Leon shivering too. I sigh, pulling myself up. My bones seem to be made of water, constantly moving and adjusting to the lack of energy I give them.

I look around the small home, and I suddenly see the coat in the corner across from us. I slush over there, a slight covering of snow on the floor. Unfortunately, this shelter has no roof. Most likely destroyed by a bomb of a warring country.

As I move I quickly glance out of the window. The world looks so peaceful now, the snow glistening in the bright sun. But something’s blocking the view… I squint, trying to figure out what it is. I gasp, quickly ducking under the window. Someone’s coming this way.

Not good. Not good. Not good… I scramble on my knees, I need to get away from the window. They found us. We’ve got to leave now. My eyes set on Leon, he’s still asleep. My blood drains, what if we don’t make it out in time? It can’t happen, not after this long. We have to make it- we just have to. I rush over, my adrenaline pumping.

I shake him, my voice a frantic whisper, “Leon, Leon get up!”

He stirs, not even opening his eyes.

“Lemon, they found us, we have to go now!” my voice quivers this time, and my heart is pounding.

At this, he opens his eyes. “Who?” he stares up at me, then his face drains white, “The army?”

I can’t be soft on him right now, “Yes, which is why we have to go!”

He gets up, but I point to the window, “They’re coming towards us, stay down until we’re out the door.”

He nods, but I know he’s terrified. How in the world did they find us? We left no clues, no one in our neighborhood knew… I push it out of my head for now. I need to be focusing on escaping.

I gather our food, holding it in my arms as we slowly crawl towards the door, my hands shaking as we move. We’re almost there… just a bit farther… I peek out the doorway, pulling myself up. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Leon do it too. I fix my gaze to the North, it’s time to run. I hold Leon’s hand snuggly, then I bolt.

I don’t look back; there’s no point in it. If they are following us, there’s no way we could go faster. And the comfort of thinking they aren’t is the only thing keeping my feet pounding the ground.

Almost immediately, my breath goes ragged. I ignore it, going the same speed. I can feel that Leon is exhausted already, and my heart aches for him. He shouldn’t have to be doing this, running from the government. But there’s nothing I can do about it- not now.

Eventually, my legs get weak. I start to trip and fall to the ground, scraping my arms and knees until they are almost numb. I know we can’t run forever- if I’m having trouble running the government will surely catch up to us. My eyes search for shelter- somewhere to rest, hide, and move on.

I see a cave and start to nudge Leon towards it. We can rest there for a bit. We’ve put at least 5 miles between us and the town, so it would take him a bit to catch up with us. And even if he did, he won’t be able to find us since we are hiding in the cave. At least, that’s what I tell myself. As we hit the entrance, we both lean against the wall, deep and desperate inhales and exhales escaping our mouths. My throat feels raw, my lungs almost exploding. I’ve never enjoyed running, and this run especially makes me hate it more.

I unleash my clenched fists, disappointed that only some bread survived the journey.

After catching my breath a bit, I gasp out to Leon, “You rest, I’ll stand on guard.”

Before he argues, I add, “You need it more, don’t worry we can switch when you wake up.”

Another lie I have to tell him to get him to sleep. He’s too tired to argue back and leans up against a rock near the back of the cave. I allow myself to heave a sigh of relief, perhaps we won’t be caught after all. All I need is to stay awake, and since I got sleep just a few hours ago that should be no problem.

My eyes are fixated like a camera, recording what is happening just over the hill. I don’t blink, even the slightest hint of movement sends my mind obscure. The mist of snow blowing in the breeze catches my eye, its white cloud almost hypnotizing. Almost. I eventually start to lean against the wall, my back slightly aching from standing at attention. Leon probably only needs a few hours of rest, then we can get going again.

I sigh, this isn’t as easy as I thought. My eyes feel as though they will close any minute. It’s like my body felt the taste of sleep I gave it and is craving for more. I blink to satisfy them, but my brain doesn’t seem to get the cue. I give it a bigger taste, closing my eyes for a few seconds, then opening them again. It’s still not working… Perhaps I will have to let Leon stand guard for a while. I’m not of much use as a guard if I quite literally can’t keep my eyes open.

Perhaps just a little sleep, just 10 minutes… 10 minutes is all I need…

I’ve about made up my mind when I see something coming over the hill. Something that looks human… something that is coming right this way. My heart drops, he’s caught up with us. He must not have been as slow as I thought, but there’s no way we can run now, he’s too close to us and would catch up immediately. We’re like sitting ducks waiting to be captured. I hustle over to Leon, shaking him awake once again.

This time he knows to wake up quickly, seeming to read my mind. I point to the biggest rock in the cave, hoping it will conceal us if he decides to come in. He shouldn’t come in, I try to convince myself. It would be illogical, and it would waste his time.

And yet, I still hold my breath. What if he hears our breathing? No, he’s too far away and probably running too fast to hear it. There’s no chance… there’s no chance… there’s no chance…

I hear his footsteps now, coming closer and closer to us… and he’s only walking… not running. This isn’t good… I slowly put my hand over my mouth, gesturing to my brother to do the same. We must keep quiet if he is to pass us. Thankfully, my brother understands and takes quiet breaths. There is nothing more we can do- this is the quietest we could ever get. I close my eyes and concentrate on keeping my breath calm and my mind clear. I bite my lip shut and listen for his footsteps, straining my ears to work over my obnoxiously loud beating heart.

All of a sudden, the footsteps stop. He must be looking inside the cave. I bite my lip harder, willing the moment to pass. After what seems like an eternity, the footsteps go to walk again. I immediately feel relief, he must not have seen us. But it doesn’t sound like the familiar crunch of snow… it’s the clack-clack of boots hitting stone. A chill runs down my spine, making my whole body shiver. He’s inside the cave.

We’re dead, I think to myself miserably, we’re going to be taken away and executed. All because of this stupid, stupid soldier.

I hug my brother securely as he stares up at me with his fearful eyes. I want to be with him for these final moments. They’ll most likely separate us, so we can’t even have the comfort of family when we die. A tear runs down my cheek as I try to focus on comforting Lemon. The least I can do is make sure he knows I love him before we are captured.

A minute passes… then two, then three and four. Can’t he get it over with? We’ve been waiting for a while… A rush goes through my body, perhaps he hadn’t heard us after all. Maybe he just saw the cave and thought it was a good place to rest, like us. And yet, I still don’t move. I hear the rustling of a bag, most likely a temporary bed for the night. Man, how that sounds like a luxury right now.

Slowly but steadily, the cave darkens. It must be nearing nightfall. It gets colder and colder, but I urge myself not to move. Even the slightest sound might alert him, and I don’t want to take that chance. I pray my brother decides not to move as well.

I feel my brother slowly fall asleep, but I must stay awake. Even if I wanted to, there’s no way the stress would let me. It eats at me, asking millions of questions I can’t wrap my mind around. My heart pounds in my chest. I listen carefully for any footstep he may take toward us.

Eventually, I hear the rustling of bed sheets and hold my breath. He’s going to sleep. I listen carefully to his breathing as it gets slower and slower. I let out a relieved breath, he’s asleep.

I quickly ponder the possibility of us getting out without waking him up. I slowly rise off the ground, pressing my back against the rock, and slowly look over my shoulder. He’s young, perhaps even my age, and yet he’s still in an army uniform. I glance at his face, his eyes are closed, and he really does seem to be asleep.

I duck behind the rock again, considering the chances. If we’re quiet enough, we shouldn’t wake him. He’s young, so he most likely hasn’t been in the army too long. They wouldn’t have taught him how to fake sleeping yet.

I nudge my brother slightly, stirring him from his sleep. I can’t risk to speak, so I try to mouth the words to him.

We can escape.

Somehow, he understands me.

How? He mouths back, his eyes dancing with excitement.

I point to the boy, then make a sleeping motion with my hands. He must be quiet so the boy doesn’t wake up.

He nods along, and I sigh with relief. Now all we had to do was execute it. Easier said than done… I take a deep breath, then slowly inch forward. Every bone in my body freezes whenever I hear him take a deep breath. Pitter patter… pitter patter… My heart pounds in my chest as I grow increasingly closer.

I look back, making sure Leon is following me. He’s a few meters away, following my every move. I bite my lip and force my legs to crawl forward slightly faster. We can make it out, I try to convince myself. We can do this…

I inwardly sigh, I’m horrible at encouraging myself. I really wish I had better self-esteem…

I hear the blankets rustle again and I freeze. Then, the horrid sound of an interrupted yawn fills my ears. I slowly look at where the boy lies, and sage green eyes stare back at me. I stand there like an idiot for a moment, my whole body frozen in fear.

My instincts finally kick in. I have to get Leon and try to get out of here. I look back at him, ready to grab his arm and bolt. And then I see the tears. He knows, and I know, that we aren’t getting out. My legs buckle as I reach over to him, wrapping my arms around him and covering him in my tears. They explode out and once I start I can’t stop.

I feel a hand touch me on the shoulder, and I try to stop my crying. I don’t want to go out looking like a moron.

For some unbeknownst reason, I boldly say to the boy, “You can take us, but you won’t separate us. I’m not letting go of him and you can’t make me.”

I brace for the impact of a slap or struggle, but instead, I hear a chuckle, and then a full-blown laugh. I look up to him, seeing his face light up in laughter. I feel a sudden anger, is he laughing about our resilience? Our pitiful resistance?

“I just knew this disguise would get me in trouble,” he says once he stops laughing, “I’m Jack. And there isn’t a reason to be afraid of me. I’m a kid like you, no worries!”

This is a trick, I think to myself, he’s trying to seem friendly to take us easier.

“You must be a soldier. I see the way you carry yourself, you aren’t just some kid,” I snap.

“Oh, I can bet you right now I am not a soldier. I didn’t even make it to that speech in training before I ran away,” he said jokingly.

“Running away?” my brother surprises me by saying. He rarely talks to me, much less to strangers. Especially soldier strangers.

He laughs again, “You really think I’m a soldier, don’t you?”

“What else would we think?” I say, narrowing my eyes, “You chased us all the way here.”

“Has it crossed your mind that I only came in here because I need shelter, too?” he asks with a frown.

That… explains some stuff. But that doesn’t mean I’ll give up my argument.

“How can we even be sure you’re not a soldier?” I ask suspiciously.

Jack shrugs his shoulders, “I don’t know. What would make you trust me?”

I twirl my hair; how can I trust him? And why am I even considering it?

“He didn’t take us immediately,” my brother shyly whispers to me, “That’s got to count for something, right?”

I twirl my hair more, stalling time. I have this deep feeling that he’s lying about something.

“Can you at least explain what you are doing traveling around the countryside?” I ask.

“Only if you tell me your version,” he says with a wink.

I cautiously sit on a rock and cross my arms, “Okay, Jack. Let’s hear it.”

He pauses, messing with his brown hair, “Just promise you won’t laugh. It’s not that epic of a story.”

I roll my eyes, “Stop stalling and get to the story.”

“Okay, fine,” he sighs, “I ran away because I hate school.”

He waits for me to laugh, but I don’t.

Instead, I ask, “Why do you hate school?”

He frowns, “You tell me your version first, I need to know how you would react.”

I hesitate. This is a stranger I’m talking to, and even though he hasn’t made any moves that say he’s a soldier, there’s just something about him that is off. He’s too hesitant about telling a simple story with no details, but I guess I’m in the same boat. I don’t want to tell him my personal story. I haven’t even acknowledged it since… that day.

Leon tugs on my sleeve, “C’mon, maybe he’ll be able to tell us where we’re going…”

I sigh, it would be nice to know if we would ever end up somewhere. We’ve been traveling so long… and it couldn’t hurt to tell him…

I take a deep breath, looking into Jack’s green eyes. Here goes nothing, “Our dad died in the war… Which I know isn’t uncommon…” I add quickly, “I mean, that’s why we train for the army. But… for some reason, my mom seemed really frantic. She kept whispering, ‘They found us. They found us.’ When I asked what was wrong, she never responded. As we were heading up to our rooms to get some sleep, our mom grabbed us by the shoulders. I remember her words so clearly… ‘I can’t explain now, but I will later. You two need to run, you hear me? You need to run away from here. It isn’t safe anymore. Head North, only North, and you will end up at a shelter. I will meet you there. You have to hurry and go now.’” I suck in a breath, my eyes welling with tears, “Then she told us how much she loved us, gave us a coat and some food, and we ran. It’s been about a month, and we still haven’t seen the shelter she talked about…”

My brother hugs me tighter, I suspect to hold on to reality. I’m doing the same thing. I try to comfort him by rubbing small circles on his back as we both take in the story in silence. We hadn’t talked about it before this, and I think it took a significant toll on him.

Jack seems to stay silent, too. Finally, he interrupts the quiet, “Okay… I think I can trust you… it seems we have the same goal.”

“And what goal is that?” Leon asks innocently.

Jack pauses, then answers, “To escape.”

“Escape what?” I ask, my curiosity taking over. Maybe he really does know what my mother was talking about.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he says bitterly, “To escape the government.”

“The government? But… why?”

He scoffs, “Have you not pieced it together already?”

Anger flares up, and I answer coldly, “Well, obviously not! So can you tell us already?!”

“I thought you wanted the rest of my story, though? So which one is it?” he said playfully.

I sigh and pinch my forehead.

“Just tell us what we need to know, okay?”

“So you want the story first or-” he starts with a smile.

“Just tell us!! This is not a silly game you can just play whenever you want!” I practically shout, shocking Leon.

“Jeez, just trying to make it a little light-hearted…” he mutters, “Basically, I hate school because of what they teach. There is absolutely no way the whole world just suddenly turned evil on us. The wars and planning and armies… Don’t you see? We’re the ones that are evil. I figured this out only a little bit ago, and I started to dread school. I didn’t want to join the army, I didn’t want to support something so horrid. I wanted to get away. I finally heard about a “safe house,” and I knew I needed to go there. So I stole this uniform from my brother’s room and started heading North. I’ve heard that they support anyone who needs help from the government,” he pauses, “I think that it must've been what your mom talked about.”

My first thought is: Rebels? As in they support the enemy rebels? The enemy who killed my fathers and thousands of people in our country? Those rebels?! That can’t be right… can it? No… mom would never tell us to join the rebels. She’s a nurse, and dad is, was, a general. They supported our education so much… And what does he mean by “we’re evil”? Everyone else has been attacking us! We’re just defending ourselves like anyone else would! What are we supposed to do? Let them take control? No way.

“You’re just saying that because you got bad grades, aren’t you?” I ask suspiciously.

“No, I’m not!” Jack protests.

I roll my eyes, “Yeah, you are,” I suddenly remember why I’m putting up with him, “But never mind that. Do you know where the shelter is?”

“Well, yeah. I wouldn’t just keep going North if I didn’t know where I was going,” he sneers at me.

I frown, but before I respond Leon interrupts, “Could you take us there?!”

Jack looks at Leon, a light smile tickling his frown, “Yeah, I could take you there.”

I stare daggers at Jack, “How can we be sure you’ll actually take us there?”

Jack shrugs, “Think of it this way: Do I really want to be caught in a big city and tortured?”

I sigh, he’s got a point.

“We can rest here for a bit, though. I’ve been traveling for a couple of days without finding a good shelter like this,” he adds.

I can feel Leon’s shoulders relax. I know he’s tired, but I still don’t trust this guy. I’ll have to watch him, meaning no sleep yet again. I hold in a groan as my body yearns to lie down. Not yet, I tell it. Just a bit longer, and then you can sleep. It begrudgingly agrees as I pretend to go to sleep. I keep my eyes slightly open so I can see Jack, but he can’t see that I’m awake.

It seemed to take him forever to fall asleep, which surprised me. Why isn’t he totally exhausted? Another thing to add to my suspicions of this guy. But he’s the only hope of us finally finding the shelter… So I’ll just have to ensure he doesn’t pull something on us.

~ • • • ~

He didn’t move at all the rest of the night, so my time was wasted. I debate going out to find some food. But if I went out, then I’d leave Leon unprotected. I frown, I’m going to have to take him with me. We’ll have to be quick so that Jack doesn’t leave without us, but I think we can do it.

I shake Leon slightly, whispering, “Hey, Lemon. Wanna go out to get some food with me?”

He slowly opens his eyes and gives me a tiny nod.

I smile, “Okay, let’s do it quick, got it? We don’t want Jack to think we ditched him.”

“Can’t we just bring Jack with us?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.

Great. Exactly what I didn’t want. But Leon’ll start asking more questions if I say no…

I sigh, “Fine, you go wake him up.”

I see his eyes dart with excitement as he nudges Jack awake. I lean against the wall, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen Leon be this happy. Not since we were back home.

I grab our coat, swinging it over my shoulder. We probably won’t be coming back to this cave since we’re all going.

I see Jack talking with Leon from the corner of my eye. I frown, Leon seems to really trust him. It’s been quite some time since he’s spoken to me for that long… A feeling that has never arisen in me before envelops me like a piece of paper: Jealousy. How is it that this stranger gets to take my brother’s trust in me that easily?

I immediately feel ashamed; I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Leon can have his friends… Can’t he? I grimace, but why does it have to be this guy? I don’t want to see his trust misplaced, for him to feel betrayed by someone he thought he knew…

“You coming?” Jack calls, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yeah,” I grumble back.

I head toward them, giving the coat to Leon, “Here, you can take it for the first hour.”

He nods in appreciation to me, then returns to talking to Jack. I try not to eavesdrop as we walk, but I catch the words “I knew it.” escape from Leon’s mouth. Knew what? He doesn’t really believe what Jack said… does he?

I push it out of my mind, I should be looking for berries, not debating my brother’s thoughts. They are his, and I shouldn’t intrude. I look down and notice the snow around us is starting to fade away. The storm must not have reached this section yet. I no longer have to lift my legs quite so high. I can already imagine the feeling of dry shoes. 

But I probably shouldn’t get my hopes up. The snow will eventually touch this land, and I’ll be in the exact same situation again. I need to look for food before frost sets in. If there’s any left.

My eyes scan the horizon. If anyone is gonna find food, it’ll probably be me since Leon and Jack are talking a lot… 

I shake my head, I need to stop thinking about him. He can take care of himself… he’ll be fine. I look up to check around again and gasp. There are bushes of berries only a few meters away. How did it survive the cold winter? I wonder as I run. There are tons of strawberries growing, and my stomach growls at the thought of feasting on them. They could last us weeks, if we needed that long.

Suddenly, a droning sound coming from a ways away fills my ears- bombing planes.

I stop, looking up at the sky. Sure enough, a plane was heading our way. I squeal. My heart stops beating as I rush to the bushes to find cover. They can’t see us, or else they’ll surely bomb the place. My foot catches a rock, and I trip. I quickly get up, feeling a cool sensation ooze down my face, and dive into the bushes. I pant, looking through the leaves and strawberries, desperate to find the plane in the sky.

It zooms overhead, the vibrations in the air shaking me to the core, and I hope and pray they don’t spot me. As it goes away, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. They must’ve not seen me. I cautiously push back the leaves, looking around for any sign of soldiers. Nothing.

I breathe a sigh of relief. We’re safe. Wait…

My heart drops again as I look around. Where’s Leon? I thought he had perhaps followed me to the bush… And he’s still with Jack. Panic sets in me as I search for any place he could’ve hidden.

“Leon!” I shout into the cold air. No response. No sound.

“Leon, where are you?!” I call desperately. I can’t lose him. Not Leon. Not my brother, not the only person keeping me sane.

“LEON!!” I cry out, my eyes tearing up.

I sink to the ground, sobbing. How could I have not thought of him during the plane? Now he’s most likely gone, away with Jack. Immense regret fills my chest, and I clench my heart. Everything is gone… 

I feel a hand on my shoulder, “I’m right here, Rose.”

I turn around rapidly, there is Leon. I cry out and hug him tightly. I’ll never ever let him go again. I won’t ever forget or lose him.

“Where were you?” I ask when I finally loosen my grip, “I was so worried when you didn’t reply… I thought that you-”

He cuts me off, “Jack saw the plane, and we hid behind that hill over there.”

He points to a small hill over in the West, and I purse my lips.

“They could’ve seen you… you know that the enemies show no mercy, Leon,” I say bitterly.

“I know,” he mumbles, “But… there wasn’t anything else we could do-“

I sigh, he’s right. He probably didn’t even see me go to the bushes. For all I know, he could’ve also been worrying about me.

“I-” I begin, then whisper, “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t go so hard on you… All this traveling and pressure just has… taken a toll on me. And I can’t lose you… not you, too…” I close my eyes, “I’m sorry.”

I expect him to take advantage of my vulnerability, but instead, I feel his arms hug me tighter.

“I can’t lose you either, sis,” he whispers.

A stubborn tear falls down my cheek as I hug him, embracing his warmth and youthfulness. I smile slightly when he buries his head into my shoulder. We’re both safe, and that’s all that matters right now.

Jack shocks me by clearing his throat.

“Sorry to interrupt this lovefest, but we better get going,” he says.

I can tell he’s trying to joke, but I can barely hear a crack in his voice. He must’ve lost someone, too. Or perhaps it’s something else…

My brother loosens his grip on me and goes to Jack.

My heart suddenly feels as heavy as that bomber plane. How can he still gravitate towards Jack and just immediately let me go? Am I really that worthless? My throat clogs, and I try to clear it.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I agree, my voice hoarse.

~ • • • ~

My feet are so, so sore. I chew on a strawberry, savoring the sweetness and texture. With Jack with us, I forgot that the strawberries won’t last as long as I thought. We’ve gotten down to the bottom, and I don’t know how much longer we can go on them.

“Could you hand me a strawberry?” Leon mumbles to me.

“Um… yeah… sure,” I hand him one, my fingers slightly holding onto it. It’s the third one he’s had in the last hour.

I don’t want to make Leon think we’re running out, and I can understand that he’s hungry… But this is all we got. If traveling takes any longer, I don’t know if we’ll make it there.

“It’s just a little longer!” I hear Jack call out.

It’s what he’s been saying every day… and every time, it doesn’t seem we’re getting any closer.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

He stays silent, confirming my suspicions. We’re lost, and we have no idea where we’re going.

I sigh, “Guess we’ll just keep heading North…”

Jack closes his eyes, “Yep…”

I tighten my grip on Leon’s hand, cringing at every bite he takes of the strawberry. I look off into the distance, my hand twirling a piece of my hair. Why did I ever agree to follow this guy? 

I gasp.

“What is it?” my brother asks, the fear dancing in his eyes.

I stop and silently point my finger at the building in the distance. It’s the shelter.

Author's Note

I finally finished this first chapter of my book!! If you have any notes/critiques please do leave them!! ^^

Reviews

[JayG]

Your writing is better than most, but (and there always is a “but,” isn’t there 😆), there are some issues you need to address.

First, the easy. Either indent or double-space paragraphs, not both. And in general, it’s best to make it look like a book than a report.

• ...against the barren tree.
I give up. What’s a barren tree? It’s a tree-trunk, and alive or dead, it’s a pole, which provides no warmth. Yes, to you it's shelter against the wind, but the reader has no idea of why they would use it for that.

When opening any scene, we need to address where we are in time and space, what’s going on, and whose skin we wear, so the reader has context for the words.

• “We’re just resting a bit while the wind dies down.”

Reading is very slow compared to film, because it’s a serial medium, where sight is parallel. So every word you can trim without changing your “voice” speeds the read and adds impact. Wouldn’t, “Just till the wind dies down.” Answer his question more directly, and, accurately?

Or, perhaps something like, “We need to shelter behind the tree till the wind dies down,” when combined with what’s been said before, sets the scene, so we now know WHY she’s by the tree, and that it’s a large tree. And, we have an idea of how hard the wind is blowing.

• He nods, shifting more into our one coat we thought to bring along.

Since we don’t know any of the why, or how long they’ve been traveling, or where to, or...” this lacks context. How old is he? Unknown. How old is she? Unspecified.

But suppose you used something like:

“He nods, shifting his six-year-old body more tightly against me within the single coat we have between us.”

He does the same thing, but now we have an idea of his size, and the situation. At this point, do we care about why they have only one coat, or, how to handle the situation? Focus on emotion, and their reaction to the facts, not the facts.

• We weren’t always scrambling trying to survive.

Here, you just shot yourself in the foot. You abandoned the people who matter—the ones living the events—and as yourself, began talking TO the reader. So, you stopped the scene clock, killed all sense of reality, and stated the obvious.

* I slowly get up- there’s got to be better shelter than this tree.

Have you, in all your life, ever slowly gotten up? I’ve struggled to get up when the situation caused that. But controlling my movements to rise slowly with no reason but visual effect, when there are no onlookers? No. You’re thinking visually in a medium that doesn’t reproduce vision. And that cannot work.

As a minor point, presenting the story in present tense in an effort to make it seem more immediate doesn’t work. The only one using those personal pronouns is the narrator, who isn’t in the story. So who cares what pronouns they use?

I strongly suggest you go to YouTube and watch the trailer for the film, Stranger than Fiction, because it clearly shows what happens when the narrator intrudes.

So...bottom line: In spite of how it may seem, you are writing well. The points I mentioned are the result of missing knowledge, not talent. And that’s fixable.

If you’ve not read it, Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer can make a HUGE difference in your writing. It’s an older book, but I’ve found damn few that are even close to how well he explains how to add wings to your words. You can grab a readable copy from the Internet Archive site, though be aware that the scan-in from print is less than perfect.

Give him a try. I think you’ll find yourself often saying, “But that’s so obvious. How can I not have seen that point, myself?”

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Rosez]

Tysm for critiquing my writing!! These are points I definitely never thought of before and I’m so thankful for fresh eyes with experience at writing!!

And thank you for the links I will check them out!!

[RenyReads]

BEAUTIFUL! I love everything about it. I can really feel the character's emotions and I'm so excited to see what's next! -Human