White

Great write.
Wonderful imagination.

Posted 11 Years Ago

The most I can say about this piece is that I want to see more of the story!
It's really well done, most of it. I especially like the way the first section is written. It feels so familiar- such a "yes, that's how it is!" bit for the fiction writer. It gets a touch exasperated, but not a big deal. I like the style, and this continues into the second section. Here I don't love the flow so much, but it makes me curious to see where you're going. It feels a little bit dreamy, which is fine, but I don't know if that's quite what you were going for. Abstract and unsure, yes, but perhaps not dreamy. The third section, to be honest, threw me off. Do you mean to write in prose, free of commas á la Cormac McCarthy? Is that just the girl's thoughts, because some of what she thinks seems too obvious. Some is too contrasted. If that's the style she thinks in, cool. But again, it feels too separate from the earlier stuff which maybe I just happen to like more :) Also I wasn't super convinced by the father's conversation and the way his employees treat him. I certainly like the way she describes his deceiving ways and the company's darkness, but maybe tone it down just a *little* bit.
Aaanyways you probably didn't want so much editing but I thought I'd give it a go in the hopes that you write/post more of the story! I really want to read on. You have me going strong!!!

Posted 11 Years Ago