I'm okay

Just hold your breath and maybe, just maybe you can stop feeling. Just do the same as you always do. Be the good girl you always have to be...

There is nothing but silence, although if we were in a movie, there would surely be an intense, low trill of the violin just around now.

You and I, we stand facing each other. I clasp my hands in front of me, and wait for whatever it is that is coming.

Your face says it all. Dark. Heavy. Disapproving. 

You speak, and I listen. It is a one-sided conversation. 

You tell me why you are displeased with me calmly, in a clear, soft voice.

As I listen to your words, I listen to the rest of you as well. The way your eyes are hard and criticizing. The way you hold your up straighter than you usually do. The way your face seems to be set in stone.

And I never look away.

You wait for me to say something. Anything.

I keep silent. I keep silent because there is nothing to say in my defense.

You turn around and walk away, and even after you've left I'm still standing there, staring at the space where you were. 

Something terrible has settled in the pit of my stomach and I feel like throwing up. Slowly, I move away from the spot I had been frozen to and spring into action and try to repair what I can. 

I move quickly and enlist the help of anyone who will help me. 

She studies me carefully and asks me if I am mad at you.

Yes, I want to say. Yes, for making me feel like this. But I bite my tongue until the moment passes and I give her a weak smile and shake my head.

She knows me to well, and a frown appears on her face as she tilts her head.

I shake my head. I don't know how to put it into words and I don't want to share. I can't explain it properly, and I'm not supposed to feel like that.

I'm supposed to be a good girl.

But deep down inside I know the answer to her question.

Am I upset?

Yes.

But for a different reason than you might expect.

You are not upset. You don't shout or snap. You don't accuse me or speak harshly to me. You do nothing, except tell me what I did wrong in that soft, low voice.

Not angry. Not irritated. Disappointed.

And I hate it.

I hate it because of the way it churns my stomach. The way I have to keep a carefully blank face because if I even try to show an ounce of emotion I would burst into tears. The way my hands shake and my chest seems to tighten up, like I can't breathe.

In a way, it might have been easier if you had just shouted at me. If you had grounded me. If you had taken my things away.

In a way it would have been so much easier.

I wish I could be angry.

I wish I could shout at you. To give you the silent treatment. To turn my back and stop caring completely.

And I act like it. When you speak to me I don't reply. I keep my gaze straight ahead and walk past you as if you're thin air. I don't look you in the eye. I never do.

But, in the end, do I hate you?

No. 

I hate myself.

I hate myself for disappointing you.

I hate myself because I should have been a good girl. I could have been a good girl. Somewhere along the way, I messed up.

And every time you shake your head at me or sigh, or look at me through narrowed, criticizing eyes I feel the hate churning in my stomach.

Disappointed.

 

Author's Note

ok so I'm a LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTLE guilt prone. Let's call this therapeutic writing :D Does this even count as philosophy?

Reviews

[Jake Donald Stephens]

You are a good girl. If not, then you wouldn't feel so terrible about disappointing them.
And the disappointment they feel is more towards themselves than towards you. Trust me: when you mess up, their first thought is, "where did we go wrong? How have we fallen short as parents? "
But neither parents nor their children can be perfect for one another all the time. What matters is that they think enough of you to feel disappointment instead of spite, and you respect them enough to care when your actions hurt them.

[Rose of Gondor]

thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me! I guess we all have moments of self doubt. It's just it makes it that much harder, you know. But I guess that's what it means to be human. To feel like that, and to be self aware. Guess that it means we all still have a heart, somewhere.

[DrD]

I like narrative poetry. It has depth and character and tells too much about ourselves. You master this form magnificently with excellent word selection that brings into the words the feelings they are meant to force upon the reader. A beautiful job.

[Rose of Gondor]

thank you so much for the kind review! At first I wasn't sure whether I should stick it in the story category or the poetry category, but "narrative poetry" seems to cover what I was going for...

[Professor Xeronian]

You seem to have a way of describing people's emotions so accurately... I don't know if you're referring to multiple people or one person, real or fantastical.
I believe everyone experiences this at one point or another... another unique and irreplacable chapter in the infinitely intricate mosaics of our lives.

[Rose of Gondor]

A lot of times I'm taking my own life in little bits and pieces and throwing them on the page. I'm an emotional person :D Thank you for the lovely review, and I'm glad you thought it felt real!

[raerae]

I agree disappointment is worse than anger I love this, al the emotions came across how i think you meant them to

[Rose of Gondor]

it sucks. I'd rather they ground me than give me the guilt trip. :P

[Pax]

I think everyone goes through with this kind of situation. I believed that I could relate to it. We all feel disappointments from time to time...

"I hate myself." ~ those lines, I feel so close to it. Maybe because I hate myself, sometimes, when we feel down, drained, disppointed,and many more sad things makes us really hate ourselves.

I guess the deep meaning on this is that, we try to hide our deepest disappointments from our friends and family, specially when we know it was our fault. Sometimes we hide it, because we hate to see them disappointed on us, or we hate to see their high expectation on us goes down when you know you've work so hard on something or i guess we just don't want to burden our loveones when you know very much it was something to do with you.

But in some cases, its good to let go, and share you feelings and burdens in life... just to feel at least that someone is really there to even just listen, nothing more, nothing less. THat is why writing also helps, before I kept a journal for myself, to write down all the unnecessary feelings of the day, so that the next morning I don't have to carry any emotional load. :) It guess its a good release.

A very nice piece my friend, And I really do thing you needed to expressed this. well penned!

[Rose of Gondor]

thank you so much for the lovely review! I'm glad to know my emotions have been expressed properly! Sometimes a little therapeutic writing is good for the soul....

[Pax]

it really does my friend, and your most welcome...