Sorry

        At first glance, I may seem like a nice girl. A quiet, responsible girl who seems trustworthy. I may even seem honest to people. But truthfully, I’m the worst liar you’ll ever meet.

 

Why am I telling you this, you ask. Because I have to tell it to someone, sooner or later, before my sanity snaps. I imagine you looking skeptical and asking, “If you truly are a liar, why would you tell the truth”. And that’s just it. It’s because I’m so tired of lying.

 

I don’t even know why I did it. It just popped out of my mouth, a story that made perfect sense but never actually occurred. I’m not sure if it was fear�"I knew there would be worse punishment for lying than what I did. In fact, “what I did” wasn’t even something I’d normally get in trouble for. It just kind of happened, and I’m sorry for it, but once I started I couldn’t stop.

 

Every day I look at your face, see your smile, and guilt fills me head to toe and unsettles my stomach. I can’t live with this lie, can’t live with myself. And I’m so scared that you’ll find out the truth of things, that you’ll be disappointed in me. But once the lie was out of my mouth, I couldn’t take it back. I want to give you the truth, and every day I debate with myself. But I never have the courage to push the words out of my mouth, never have the courage to say I’m sorry.

 

        I guess that’s just it. I’m a coward. You may think I’m tough and brave, and that I lied just to annoy you. But that’s not it. I’m just so afraid of losing your approval, so afraid of your anger and disappointment. I need you to understand. I don’t want to annoy you or hurt you or lie to you. I don’t know what compelled me to do it. I just did.

 

        I betrayed your trust. After all those years of your teaching me to be a good person, to be honest, to tell the truth even if it cost great pain, I betrayed your trust. I regret it sincerely. I swore once that I would never lie to you again. I seem to have broken that oath now, and I have paid.

 

        Please don’t go away. You can yell at me, you can ground me, you can take away all my things for as long as you’d like. Just don’t be sad. Don’t be broken-hearted. Don’t be disappointed in me because I see the truth now. I know that I can’t go on lying, drowning in this ocean of falsehoods for eternity.

 

        Every day I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in your confidence, drowning in your kind words because I know I don’t deserve them. I just want this feeling to stop. But I can’t tell you the truth. I can imagine your face if I do. Twisted, angered, sad. Tears leaking out of our eyes the way they used to whenever I said something hurtful. But this time, I knew, it would be tears of disappointment, tears of sadness because I, someone closest to you, betrayed you.

 

But I promise I’ll make it up to you. Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way, and I’m prepared to go over the process again. I’ll make my way through whatever it takes but please, just give me another chance. You may not believe me this time, but I swear, on all that is good and love and peace that I won’t do it again. I realize now what this is doing to me, what it can do to me. The lies have consumed me and I’m tangled in its web, helpless prey to be eaten by the spider of my own creation.

 

I’m sorry, Father, Mother. I’m so sorry that you have to be put through this because of me. I know I should hope you would forgive me, should hope that you would understand. But how can you possibly, when I’ve committed a wrong such as this? I don’t even understand it myself, and there is certainly no way I’m forgiving myself for it.

 

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to tear at my hair and become a madman, driven crazy by the need and boiling inside me to tell you the truth. But I can’t. I just can’t. I’m not strong enough. I can’t bear to see the looks of horror, of shock, of pain on your faces as the meaning of what I say sink in, and I can’t bear to hear you say the words, “What have you done” in that voice, outraged, silent, dangerous, yet tinted with sadness, such sadness that it seemed to break my heart.

 

So please just go away. Please don’t ask me about this anymore. Because perhaps it is better for you to go on unnoticing. It would be better for the both of us, I know. But I would never get out of it. I will be haunted forever by this, whether you found out about it or not. I’ll never be a winner in this situation, so why did I even put myself here?

 

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could go right back to that very first moment, that moment when you asked me how I was, and I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you the truth. I wish I could erase all of this, wash the slate clean.

 

But there isn’t any turning back now. What I’ve done has been done, and I can’t change it. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost, so confused. If I tell you the truth, would you understand why I did it? Would you just open your heart and listen to me? Would you believe me if I said I never meant to lie, never meant to hurt you, and that the words just popped out of my mouth? Of course you wouldn’t. How could you, after I betrayed you like that?

 

Maybe you’ll forgive me in time, laugh with me again, and maybe trust me again. But whatever happens, whether or not you found out, whether or not you still trust me, I swear on everything I have ever held dear that I will never lie again. And this time, I will hold to my promise. This time I will keep true, because now I know what lying can do to me.

 

These past days have been hell. You noticed my inner torment. You can read me like a book when it comes to emotions. And hearing your voice, hearing you console me, hearing you say it’s going to be alright just breaks me more. So I stay here, alone, in the silent darkness of my room, door closed, blinds shut, trying to avoid you even as I am writing now. My voice is becoming hoarse from lack of use, and I live like a hermit, only emerging from my own, personal prison for the vital necessities.

 

I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t go on knowing that I lied to you, knowing that on a silly whim, I spun a falsehood. How many more times can I lie without thinking? How many more times can something just roll out of my mouth and hurt someone? How many more times will my whims take me and destroy all that’s left of my soul?

 

You once told me that saying sorry was easy enough, but really being remorseful for what you’ve done and admitting it takes courage. I’ve been a coward for far too long. So today, I’m going to take a chance and be brave.

 

So this is me telling you the truth. Maybe it wasn’t the truth you expected, but this is the truth nonetheless. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ever learned how to lie in the first place. I’m sorry for every falsehood I’ve ever told. I’m sorry for breaking my promise to you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done. I’m sorry.

 

        Maybe that’s not enough. Maybe it won’t make you forgive me. But here it is anyway, because I have to say it, I have to say it before my heart explodes and my blood runs dry and I become a slave of my own lies. I’m sorry.