Addicted

 

            I could see the light behind my eyelids. There was an intense throbbing pain in my head but I could still feel the hand that was in mine. Slowly I cracked my eyes and staring straight at me was Ben. He had a hard look in his eyes and I knew I was in trouble. I shut my eyes and listened to the faint crackle in the background. That would be Victoria making breakfast. What did Ben see in her that preppy b***h. I hid my face under some blankets.

            “Wake up, I know you’re awake,” he demanded. After a second I decided it was best to wake up as he told me to. I opened my eyes and glared at him profusely.

            “Don’t give me that look! You promised you’d never go there again!”

            “Do you think I enjoy dumping all my old friends so you can live up to your control freak standards?”

            “You know that hanging around smokers will kill you, and the more your around drinkers the more you want to drink! I can smell the alcohol on your breath!”

            “What’s your problem, can’t I have a little fun every now and then!”

            “A little fun! You call that a little fun! You could have died; you know what happens when people drink like that! You’re just fifteen; you’re still in school for heaven’s sake!”

            “You’re just eighteen and you get to go out to parties whenever, and you’re a high school drop out!”

            “I dropped out to support this family young lady! Besides I have a high school degree now”

            “What family, you’re not my father, you’re not my mother, and you are not my big brother.” I got quiet because my head was pounding so much and for the longest time he just stared at me. All was silent in the kitchen. I stomped up the stairs to my room and slammed the door.

            Before I go any further maybe its best you know: my parents are dead. When I was only three my mother died of cancer, and then I was twelve when my dad died. Back before I was born when my dad and ma were in the beginning stages of their relationship my dad ran into the lone little runt that was Ben. He found out that he was an orphan without so much as a name, so he decided to take him home. My mother took him in as a son and my dad had always treated him as an apprentice. Me, I’ve always thought of him as the older brother, but sometimes it seemed like we were so much more. That’s why I hated Veronica so much: she kept Ben from seeing the truth because I knew he loved me too.

            I’ll start at the beginning. When I was very young we used to pretend to be a couple, it was so adorable, or so I was told, but dad never liked it. After awhile Ben didn’t want anything to do with me, he thought I had cuddies or something or at least I’m sure that’s what the other boys told him. When ma died he kind of wondered out of my everyday life for good and the only time I saw him is when he gave me dirty looks when I had taken too long in the bathroom. That’s when I started hanging out with Alice a lot, and that’s when we started the club. In fifth grade he started talking to me again for some reason and so we had been constant friends ever since. I had a crush on him back then and I still do, but I don’t think he realizes he loves me too, he does thoughJ. I know he loves me because he told me once on what must have been the most romantic day of my life. It was the first year anniversary of my father’s death, we were living with my mother’s parents at the time, I couldn’t sleep so I came to his room. With pity in his eyes he told me to come and sleep in his bed so I did. His arms raped around me and held me tight to his chest and he sighed into my ear.

            “I miss him too you know, there’s not a day I don’t think about him, and your mother to,” he whispered into my ear. The tears fell down my face and onto his pillow. He wrapped his arms tighter and whispered more.

            “It’ll be alright, I promise, just cry it all out and I’ll be here for you, as long as it takes,” my face was soaked and I couldn’t see anything with my eyes open, and then he pressed his lips to my hair, “I love you Elizabeth, so much,” and then I couldn’t take it anymore so I rolled around to put my face to his and kissed him passionately and best of all he didn’t push away and while you may blow that off as oh he just felt sorry for you and he didn’t want to hurt you in that delicate state. You weren’t there, I felt it, he really loved me. And that’s how we fell asleep: tangled under his sheets. I woke up first that morning; I looked at his peaceful face. He opened his eyes and it startled me. I flashed him a smile but he merely looked confused. I got up and ran back to my room before my grandparents woke up blowing him a kiss as I went. After breakfast in the back of my grandparent’s personal limousine he sat there and talked to me about the night before.

            “Ray, about last night, listen I know it was a lot but…”

            “But what?”

            “But I don’t think we should be like that.” A silence filled the cab and then a buzz as the driver rolled up the window between the driver and the passengers. Those were the only words that passed between us that day; in fact it must have been the only thing we said to each other all week besides pass the potatoes and other general polite things like that. That’s when I started going out with Wolfey, he’d been on me for awhile and I admired him sure but I really wanted Ben and if I couldn’t have him what was the point? It only lasted three fourths of a year or so. That was because Wolfey was a ladies’ man, he didn’t have just one and they all knew it, but they were all bewitched by his sweet endearing words and romantic ways, and they all did what he wanted then were dumped the next day. For some reason I was different we stayed together almost always for a whole week and he didn’t s much as look at another girl. But after that it all went downhill. He started bringing home other girls, even when I was just in the other room, he’d make a big deal of sweet talking her, and then came the sex. I was watching TV one quiet evening when all of the sudden I heard moaning in the other room, I was so stunned I just sat listening for a minute and then all I could do was leave. I gave him the cold shoulder for a week in which time it didn’t seem to affect him at all, but come the end of that week he started freaking out.

            “Ray! What’s your problem? Why won’t you talk to me anymore?” He grabbed me by the upper arm one day as I was leaving the club.

            “Ha, are you kidding me, you know what you did wrong and I’m not ever going out with you ever again!” I started to stomp away but his hand held firm.

            “Look RayI know I did something I wasn’t supposed to but did you ever consider that this was your fault!”

            “My fault? How dare you! You were having sex with some random girl in the room next to the one in which your girlfriend was watching TV! How is it my fault!” I was stunned at how easily he could shove the blame off on me.

            “It’s the woman’s responsibility to satisfy the man, you weren’t doing that!”

            “Wha…” I couldn’t speak, it was one of the most sexist thing I’d ever heard. Without thinking my hand went right up and struck his face at which point he let me go and I stomped away.

            “Ray! Don’t, come back! I was just playing!” Of course he wasn’t. And so I totally ignored and avoided him for another week and then I was trapped. He hauled me to a back room one night when I’d had too much to drink and held me till I was better. According to him nothing happened and to back that up my clothes were all still in place but to this day I’m not quite sure if I’m really a virgin. He told me that what he’d done was a mistake, that I was the only one that really mattered, and that he would do anything he could to get me back. At first I ignored him but then something happened. It was truly remarkable, the way he can just bend anyone, he gave me this look, so pitiful that no one would be able to refuse. It was horrible and against all the screams of my brain I fell for him and that horribly sad look of his that he reserved for the most pressing need. And so we were back together, and there was much rejoicing, but of course it wouldn’t last. He had other girls waiting around the corner when he would leave, and out just beyond my vision I could sense what he was doing, yet I would blame it to paranoia. Alice finally pulled me aside to tell me what exactly Wolfey was doing behind my back and how the girls that would accompany him to bed would laugh at my insolence. It goes without saying that night we had a huge fight. It went much the same as the last time. I ignored him for about a week and he went along with it calmly until one day he’d had enough.

            “Ray, we need to talk,” he stared at me steadily, judging my reaction. Once again that magic pull that drew you close to him was activated. I couldn’t help myself we went to his apartment and talked it out, more like maked it out. That was the first night he asked me to get intimate with him. Yes, that intimate.

            “Ray, don’t you want more from this relationship,” he broke away from our passionate kissing to stare straight into my eyes binding me to him. It was so hard but the thing is I was dead set to remain a virgin till my wedding night for my old man’s sake and just in case you-know-who came around. We didn’t do it that night and I could now taste the frustration in Wolfey’s air. Maybe that’s when he figured it out, that he was now the second choice, an occupation until something better came along, the way he had used all those pitiful little girls who blew in and out of “his bed”. I put it in quotations because it was more often the girl’s bed they slept in, it made for a better get away. The sad thing was that he figured that I was the one, the something better, and then it became harder for us. I think at that time the affairs stopped, the random girls at the party all vanished, and he had eyes for me only.

Days went by and he didn’t say a word about intimacy. Before I knew it we’d been together for a good two months. I don’t think he cheated on me for the bulk of that time, but by the end I could see it in his eyes, he wasn’t the faithful kind of guy.

One night we had a little date. We went to the movies and had dinner at some fancy little place I’m sure Wolfey had to know someone who owned the place to get in. It was so nice and romantic, I couldn’t do anything but love him. That night might have been the night; we came bursting through his door passionately kissing at each other and groping and everything. I was so in love at that point it was painful. He pulled off my shirt and had his hand up my skirt rubbing my thighs. Before I knew it we were on the bed and his shirt and pants were on the ground. It was so passionate that every now and then I start regretting not finishing it, but by that point it was impossible. Just as he’d unhooked my bra, my hands dug up beneath the pillows and low and behold I pulled it out and there was a skimpy little piece of string that I was certain was supposed to be a pair of panties. Tears filled my face as he kissed up my belly and across my breasts. It was getting impossible. I pulled out from underneath him and pulled on his white dress shirt to cover up. He rolled over and stared at me. I held out the strings. He looked away.

            “Happy birthday,” he sighed. And then the tears flowed over my cheeks. Grabbing my cloths I ran to the bathroom and dressed as fast as I could. When I came out to rush through his room he was still where I’d left him watching the sheets carefully observing their every pattern. For all I knew he sat there like that all night possibly that whole next day, but the next night he was at the club staring at me all night from the lower room as me and Alice cried and ranted about how horrible he was. Even then I couldn’t say I hated him though, I still can’t. Forgiveness was one of my greatest gifts. As I walked out of the club I allowed him to walk at my side as long as he didn’t touch me.

            “Ray. I’m… I’m so sorry. I know I’m… I’m a horrible person, but if you could only have a little patience… I’m sure it’ll get better. I can get better if you help me.” I refused to look at him, but pity was already prying at my heart and his words were weaving a spell around my brain.

            “I’m sorry Wolfey but three time’s a strike. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore,” I kept on walking and he kept on following me with head down in shame and his hands in his pockets like he didn’t know what to do with them. We walked for a long time. A long time. When I was getting close to home when I turned around.

            “Wolfey, this has gone on long enough, you can’t follow me home!” I half shouted at him.

            “I want to talk about this, about us. Please. I’m begging you. Just one more chance,” he pleaded there were tears in his words. I had no other choice but to listen to him with his eyes looking into my soul. We went to a little café nearby. I knew it was getting too early and Ben would call me soon. I got a coffee and he pulled out a cigarette and lit up. When my coffee got there he blew a smoke ring my way and I started to cough.

            “Sorry,” he whispered as he put his cigarette out on the little black ash tray on our table.

            “S’kay,” I said not meeting his eyes and taking a deep sip from my cup.

            “Look, I know, I’m a horrible person, but I can’t help it Izzy, all I want to do is sleep around and hold onto you.” I could see the pain in his eyes, and I knew that he really did want me. “It… it might be hard for… for you to accept but you’re the only one I really want. Really.”

            “Then why do you sleep around with all those other women?” I asked quietly.

            “I told you, I’m a horrid person, I’m soooo sorry.” I could see the tears were falling down his cheeks. They were for me; I couldn’t help but tear up myself. He reached out and held both my hands. My will crumbled and into his arms I fell. We went over to his place and I ignored Ben’s pleading call. I spent the day lounging over there. When I got home Ben yelled at me like he was the responsible parent and I was the irresponsible child, but I bet fifty bucks I was able to take care of myself better than he could take care of me back then.

            That happened two more times before I finally called it off.

            “Ray, Ray please.”

            “No.”

            “Izzy…”

            “No, I’ve had enough.”

            “Can’t we talk about this?”

            “NO! Leave me alone!”

            With that I stomped out of the room. I’d had enough and that was that. No matter what we’d continue that cycle of breakups if I didn’t call it off, and here I was. I slammed the door of some random department store in his face and continued to leave out the back door. I ran up my apartment steps and through my door and right into Ben’s arms. He was sitting on the couch reading a book with the TV on for background noise. At first he was startled then he tightened his arms and held me close and that’s how I fell asleep with wet cheeks.

            That’s when I stopped going to the club and started taking school more seriously. I put thoughts of Wolfey out of my mind and went on with my life. For a while me and Alice would chat over the phone and that’s how I found out how bad off Wolfey was off. It turned out he resorted to drinking and smoking and drowning his misery in hookers and other cheap women. So I changed my number and stopped talking to her so I wouldn’t have to think of him.

            So there you go that’s our story, Wolfey’s and mine. There’s nothing more to it. I still have feelings for him and maybe if he changed we could be together, but that wouldn’t happen I knew him all too well.

Reviews

[Dylan I. Cree]

Powerful and so descriptive. This was attention grabbing and captivating. I really enjoyed reading this.