First to Last

For a love that's past....know that you are always in my thoughts, in my prayers and in my heart....

I remember everything about you. The scent of your shampoo, the things you like to eat, how you liked to be held and our first kiss. I'm sure you do to...

It wasn't like most first kisses, timid and shy....it was more hard, pressing....urgent....

It was the first time I knew you needed me.

I had always known I needed you, from the first time we touched I felt it. My heart pound like that. It was....wonderful.

Then you spoke the words that would send me reeling....

You told me you loved me...

It was simple and friendly...but there....

Then came the night, lying next to each other, past midnight as always....when you reached over and touched my hand. You brought your face close to mine....and crushed our lips together...

My eyes widened...but I gave in...

How could I not?

We fall in love with people, not genders...and I was fine with loving you....

I would do anything for you...be anything for you...

The emotions that you envoked...the tingle in my stomach when we touched. Everything was amazing...everything was right. You're skin agianst mine. Your breath mingled with mine in the darkness, when no one else was around...everything...You were the flame and I was the moth, following you, the guiding light, and hoping you could lead me out of my darkness....

 

I really was happy, you know....

 

And then he came.

 

Was he that much better than me?

Was he so much more of what you wanted?

 Did he understand you as I had tried? What was it that drew you to him?

Was he softer than I was?

What was it?

You said nothing.

You told me it was nothing. That he meant nothing...that HE was nothing to you!

And I wanted to believe it so much. So much...that I allowed the lie to blend with my reality.

I gave you time. I told you it was fine and that I could leave you if you wanted! I would leave and give you the space that you needed. I would give you the time to end it or end us....But no! I was had to bethere...what happened if it fell through with him right?

Was I your toy then?

I let you hurt me. Over and over...and I didn't even care. I honestly didn't. I didn't even have to lie to myself. It didn't matter to me what you chose to use me as....a lover, a friend, a toy....

I needed you. I was selfish still...I didn't care if you wanted me gone...I was going to be there...for as long as you needed me...we were in love....right?

But I was wrong agian....wasn't I?

You didn't love me. Not anymore...if ever. You didn't...maybe you never did. And I knew that I should walk away....because you didn't love me...but I loved you. I asked you all the time...I said I loved you constantly! And when I asked you....the answer sounded sincere...maybe you were just a good actress, though...

 

You always said yes....always.

And even as I saw and heard the lie fall from your soft lips in that silken voice...I forgave you. I was willing to hang on.

You needed that...didn't you? Someone to hold on...to not care how you treated them...ignorant to their emotions? Someone who would gladly put sacrifice everything for you; their friends, their family's approval...someone who wasn't ashamed to proclaimed they loved you....

I was willing to be that somone. I was willing. Always.

Even if it hurt me...I would be here for you...

I loved you.....

Then everything came crashing down upon me. It was a movie...a simple movie. If that stupid boy had left my hand where it was...if he hadn't grabbed it....

I didn't notice, I swear! You know how I get when I'm reading! I was absorbed, I'm sorry!

Please forgive me.....

And then you told me...It was over....

I couldn't take that...I just couldn't....

But I did...because you needed me still...

So I told my heart not to break....

Hold it in, I begged. Please, heart....don't hurt.....please....stay strong for her....

And I did...and I do....

All because, once upon a time...even if you didn't love me...we were together...and you made me happy...I

I owe you this...for every thing I did to drive you away....

 

I'm sorry..... 

 

We had our last encounter two weeks later...I haven't seen you since.....

You smiled at me...I heard you're laugh....I knew it was done with.

 

My heart was breaking at that moment.

Did you notice?

 

You spoke words....simple ones....

Every word you spoke was loving, and every word dripped with 'goodbye'. And it hurt. Then you did the worst and best thing that you've ever done to me...

 

You kissed me.

 

You kissed me, crushing your lips agianst mine, just like the first time we kissed. I felt my heart falling out of the sky you held me up in for so long, but still I was in the sky....It was a special kind of death. It hurt so exquisitely.

 

And I went home and cried that night. Over you...over me...over us....

It hurt so much.  

I told myself that I loved you and I knew it was true.

I guess I do...becuase I'm still here....waiting for you, supporting you..even if I must do it as a friend...

But slowly...I feel it killing me...but I don't care

I feel numb now, as I sit at the computer, typing this. I know there are ways out...a gun, a knife, pills...but what would you think of me then, mi'love?

I believe this is what hell is...having the person you love so close to you, but unattainable...and me...to selfish to make you mine...to selfish of my desire to want you happy...so I do nothing.

 

You're here...but you're not....

You loved me...but you never really loved me...did you?

 

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough...I'll try harder from now on....

I hope he's what you wanted...I hope you're happy, love...

 

Maybe this is what's best for us...

Me...watching and protecing from a distance....You...safe without the pain of me hurting  you....

 

Why are we moths continually drawn to a flame?

 

Maybe we like being burnt.

 

Author's Note

NOTE: this isn't finished....I know it sucks...don't rub it in!!!!!!!!!!! *cries*