My life at 50

my current situation

Oh to be me right now. 

I am 52, married to a constantly recovering addict. My only sanity is the fact that I gave birth to four beautiful children. 

They range in ages from 24 to 10 years old. They too have had to unfortunately live with this situation. I have made many poor decisions to continue on with this fool. I have sacrificed the livelihood of my children to be continue on. In my retarded mind I have kept the hope that he will change some miraculous way. I believe in miracles, I am a church going, God fearing christian. However, with him I have lost all faith. 

I have experienced the money loss, the embarrassment from his behavior, the loss of sexual appetite because of his addiction. By now in my life I would have wanted to own a business, a home, retirement should have been something to look forward to. But how, he only thinks about getting his meth dose everyday, smoking cigarettes and scratching lottery tickets. What a future? I know you are probably wondering why do I still stand for it? Well, I am stupid I guess. Stupidity has overcome me these last 17 years. I feel sometimes helpless, hopeless and distressed. I am just as guilty as he is about his addiction. I am addicted being this way for so long, I no longer know what its like to be happy. 

I have not had sex in the last year. His meth addiction has made him fat, stupid and uninterested in sex. I saw his penis the other day while he was urinating, how pathetic! It looked like a Twizzlers. 

I started to write about this because, let's face it. Therapy is expensive and I know there has got to be other people out there who must be in the same situation. Middle aged, married, no sex, no fun, no money and feeling hopeless. 

This is me right now. But I will rise up. I know I will. I have reached a point where I am very close to changing things around. I am getting my degree so that my life can finally mean something to me and my kids. I believe that God will continue to show me the way. 

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

I know you meant this as a serious entry...but Twizzler penis?! *snort* That there is funny.

Yes, you will rise up. You've already begun your ascent with the writing. Keep going, it will not cure all ills, but will calm and ease your mind enough to find the right "cure" for this unbearable predicament - for yourself and your children.

[AYVID N]

You write with clarity and emotion. Its never too late to make positive changes. I wish you much luck!

[bluessadmood]

this was very nice...all the words though sad was very clever ,and though you regret everything you seem to have managed your life so well ,4 lovely children is a big asset and success..for what is life a beautiful life,who could tell ..everyone has got a dozen of regrets on his mind..i think to start you should not be so hard with what you got..as they say start from the end you got and build on it..you seem to be a strong person and determined..i am sure with all the chaos you think of you can do a lot with your life..
lovely write