Filthy Little Girl

Inspired by seeing how homeless people function and live... :[

Her little eyelids fluttered restlessly and opened up to reveal an ocean of blue.  The first sight that greeted her eyes was two rats fighting over a dirty, small piece of cheese.  She lifted her fragile, bruised body off of the cold concrete and walked one step at a time, trying not to pierce her bare feet with the shards of various liquor bottles that were laying around.  The rats moved their whiskers as they sensed her coming and scurried off into the unknown, leaving the piece of cheese perfectly safe, only for her eyes to see.  Her bony hand, which is a field of scabs and sores, quickly snatched the cheese.  Those cracked lips formed something like a smile once she indulged in that piece of cheese, which most people would find vile and repulsive.

With the cheese now gone, she picked up her little plastic cup, and slowly made her way towards a street corner, avoiding other people’s eyes and words.  She stood at her usual place, still believing with a tiny, little piece of her heart in the goodness of people. Hoping that there is more to life than what she had so far.  But she knew better.  Even though she couldn’t be any bigger than a fourth grader, she knew that there’s no safe haven.  She realized long time ago that no knight in a shining armor will come to save her.  Still, that little fragment of hope was the thing that was keeping the heart beating, the air rushing through the lungs, and the blood flowing.

Many people passed, some noticed her, but most did everything they could to ignore that filthy little girl, who stood there in her ripped clothing, ruining their perfect little world.  And so she stood there.  Not knowing of any possible solution, not knowing how to escape. She stood, and the only relief she got were the tears that streaked her dirty face as they kept strolling down her cheeks.

Until one day, the rest of the hope burned out.  The heart stopped beating.  The air no longer filled up the lungs. The blood in her veins turned cold. 

At last, she has found her escape…

 

Author's Note

This is something that I want to submit into my school's paper.
Constructive criticism?
And if you think it's emotional?
Sorry, but I'm not the greatest writer.

Reviews

[Floornine]

Lovely story. It's definitely emotional and I think you should most definitely submit it.
I just have a few suggestions. Watch your tenses, sometimes you switch from past to present. And I think that it would feel more emotional if instead of using so many 'these' and 'the's ("the heart beating, the air rushing through the lungs, and the blood flowing."), you used 'her'.
Another thing I found was that you mention her being a fourth grader and to me, mentioning something that can be considered a privilage, like school, takes away from the underprivialged state of the girl, so maybe think about just putting her age there or something.
and here are just some spelling and grammar mistakes I found:
-"...avoiding other peoples' eyes and words."
-"She realized a long time ago"
-"...lungs, and the blood flowing through her veins." [this is just a suggestion, but it creates nice parallelism]
-"She stood, and the only relief she got was"

All of these things are suggestions and your story is wonderful as is, they're just some things to help.