Chapter 1 (intro)

This is just the intro.

“Hey” Brenda said while poking the side of my head. “Uh” I said half asleep. “Wake up!” She screamed into my ear. Well ladies and gentlemen you have just met my annoying big sister Brenda. I know a sudden out of the blue very brief introducement of my big sister. Now for my name…. yeah not happening. “Hey, Jade get yo…” Mary my little sister said. Now my name is no secret. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence, you little ghetto wanna-be” I told her off. Then of course she gave me her little ghetto wanna-be face.

I walked down stairs where my sisters were, sitting at the counter eating their cereal looking like little angels, but that’s on the outside now on the inside they are devils planning their next big move. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m an angel on the inside and on the outside, but I have my issues.

“Hey Miriam is there bread left?” I asked Miriam or as other people know her as my mom. “I’m your mother” She said. “Yeah I know that and is there bread” I replied. “Yes, in the food closet.” She glared at me.

Well this is my what 4^th week of summer vacation and let me tell ya,that it’s the usual boring as always. I hate summer vacations they are always boring for me. My mom doesn’t let me nor my sisters go anywhere outside my block . She is over protective of me and my sisters. But I atleast do something on mornings.

Author's Note

What do you think? This is my first chapter. Please don't swear.

Reviews

[Jessie]

i like it. its like your writing wat will happen for me soon

[MarchAprilMayJuneJuly]

ha!!! this seems a lot like how my summers go, which is why i hate them soooooo much!!!! i like how you where having Jade narrate while the story was going on; it told us more about it. not trying to pry, but IS this like your real-life??? it just seems like you put a lot of thought into this, and are familair, almost too familair with what's going on.,..or maybe that's what it's supposed to sound like?!?!!!?!?!! either way, i thought this was a pretty good intro to a story, and it really draws the reader in...

nice!

~may ;)

[Hannah!]

There are some tricky and rather confusing grammar mix-ups, but nothing too major. You seem to be a bit fond of run-on sentences. This is a pretty interesting start; Jade picks up a voice right away (I giggled when she wouldn't tell us her name), and the tiny glimpse into her home-life was pretty interesting. As the other two reviews said, more details would be good--that was the biggest problem that I noticed with this.

[Evil_Angel]

I agree with Broken. Just a few more details descriptions. Like what do they look like, wearing stuff like that. Good job though very interesting. :)

[Broken.]

I like the suspicion at the end.. makes me want to read on.

Good plot going so far as the introduction of all the characters..
My suggestion?? A few more details here and there, telling a little more about the first impressions us readers get from the characters. :]