If I could have met you before…

Have you ever truly loved and lost? Have you ever truly experienced a heartbreak, one that makes you hate being happy? One that makes you feel you are drowning in concrete-trapped and helpless.

“You should go out in the sun,” you tell me with your eyes still closed. I sit beside you; tears well up. I have a knot in my throat, which has not gone away for three months. I am looking at your hands, your hands, which I can’t recognise anymore. I remember their warmth, their strength, your fingers entwined in mine, in my hair, on my cheek, on my waist, I remember them putting the ring on my finger, your hands, which do not look like yours. You stretch out your fingers, and I, as a habit, put my hand in yours, a habit, a routine, which has become as natural as breathing. “It is sunny today, isn’t it?” you ask me so that I can stop thinking about everything and answer you. You want to engage me. I wonder where do you get all this strength from? “It is. In fact, it is a pleasant day, no fog, no cold breeze, nothing, just sun everywhere”, I am amazed at how I finished the sentence without cracking up. You smile, still with eyes closed. When you smile, you get these wrinkles on the side of your eyes, which I teasingly used to tell you are signs of ageing; those wrinkles are still there, a little more prominent, but still, cute. I kiss your wrinkles, and your eyelids, I like your smell, even though they are now a mix of your scent and some kind of chemical. You open your eyes and look at me, “You MUST go out in the sun and video call me.”, it breaks my heart, but I smile my brightest smile, the one you told me makes me look like a horse. “Fine, whatever to keep me away, but pick up the call, do not be an a*s like the last time when I went to get the ice-cream, and you dozed off and did not pick up.” You did not pick up because you were on a heavier medicine that day, but I must keep blaming you to stay in my ‘character’. I get up from the bed, pick up your phone and put it where I was sitting, get my purse, and begin to leave. I look back, and you are staring at me, “You smell a lot today, please take a shower, also brush your teeth, and please do not kiss me until you brush your teeth.”, “Oh please, you smell like a rotten egg EVERYDAY, and excuse me, no one WANTS to KISS you.” I leave. I can feel you smiling behind my back; I am happy that I can stay in character, that is my ultimate plan, to stay in character.

If I could have met you before that concert in college, I would have shared my first kiss with you. I could have avoided so many heartbreaks, and we could have had some more time to love, to gaze into the eyes of each other- to see who blinks first and loses, we could have had more thumb wars, more kisses, more arguments, more sleepless nights, more pizzas, more silent treatments, more pranks, and much much more sex. And maybe if I could have met you before, I might have been able to conceive, and our kid would be almost five now, a small part of you and me, your love, your reflection, your flesh, and blood.

Why is she so quiet, is she afraid? I must bring her out of her thoughts.’, “You should go out in the sun.” She is the sun, my sunshine, she makes the world sunny even on the darkest, coldest day. I wonder where does she get all this strength from? What is she looking at? My hands? Oh no, there are tubes coming out of it, I must bring her out of her thoughts, I must hold her. Her hands are so warm, she is the sun, “It is sunny today, isn’t it?” I know it is a cloudy today, the nurse told me. “It is. In fact, it is a pleasant day, no fog, no cold breeze, nothing, just sun everywhere”. Look at her lie, and it is so easy to engage her; she is like a baby, my baby. Stop kissing me, the chemicals make me smell horrible. I must send her away before the nurse comes in with the bedpan. “You MUST go out in the sun, and video call me.” This works like a charm, last time she had fun at the ice-cream parlour, let's see how she finds the sun. Oh no, they said they need to run some tests, I need to get her home. “You smell a lot today, please take a shower, also brush your teeth, and please do not kiss me until you brush your teeth.”, look at her expressions change, she is so offended, such a diva, “Oh please, you smell like a rotten egg EVERYDAY, and excuse me, no one WANTS to KISS you.” Come back soon, my baby.

If I could have met you before that first Math101 class in college, I would have taken better care of myself and not gotten sick, I would have gotten us a home, a dog, I would have earned more and saved more for you. I would have avoided so many lonely pizza nights, and we could have had more trips to Disneyland, we could have binge-watched more series together, and I would have lost to you in many more games. I would have cooked for you more, would have taken you up in my arms more, kissed your forehead a thousand more times. And maybe if I could have met you before, I would have never asked you out, to avoid the pain you are going through now.

Author's Note

I have not written in years, six years to be precise. I will not term this as a story, it is just a small scene, maybe a part of a chapter from a future book. I will really appreciate your review.