Shade

Shade

Even at this, the final hour of my overlong and entirely miserable life, I can distinctly recall the first time I encountered the apparition…the stranger--what shall I call it--the thing that has haunted my every waking hour of this one dogged existence, and taken full possession of even those few hours per day I ruefully describe as sleep.

I must have been, I think, five or six years old when the first intruder appeared, approaching calmly as I sat by the little whitewashed picket fence girding our home’s buttercup-bordered front lawn. I remember him as a man of perfectly ordinary appearance; that is to say there was nothing singularly remarkable about his countenance or carriage. But he came sauntering up to me then, running his hand casually over the dull white points of the pickets as he made his way along the sidewalk, and, in the most straightforward and intimate of tones, hailed me by name. I was too young to do anything but gape with complete innocence, expecting to see a neighbor, or to recognize one of my father’s many successful friends. But the looming figure was unknown to me, although his words and demeanor indicated a relationship both close and (odd from the perspective of a child) enduring. And this man told me, quite pleasantly, that he’d been keeping a very close eye on me, and would be maintaining his surveillance. So saying, he smiled, nodded, and continued on his way. Startled, yet still too ingenuous to know any impulse more complex than wonder, I at length gained my feet and peered shyly round the gatepost. And I can still remember watching him strolling down the walk, admiring the azaleas and rhododendrons, all the way to the little market on the corner, where I lost sight of him in the shadow of a billboard. I never saw the man again.

This, I say, was only the first encounter with the macabre fear that has never ceased to pursue me. My parents, outside of encouraging my unease with strict admonitions about not talking to strangers, provided no enlightenment whatsoever as to the amiable man’s design. So I commenced performing, as frightened children will, unnecessary searches of closets, the space beneath my bed, and other likely hiding places, but with a most uncommon zeal. No bogeymen were to be found. Yet it was through the persistence of these searches that I eventually found myself paying closer attention to areas naturally darker than their surroundings. And one July afternoon, while for the thousandth time surveying an alcove of dense shade created by the convergence of tall hedges and a handsome sycamore in our expansive back yard, I began to entertain a most unsettling notion of being…watched. I stood there paralyzed, or rather I should say hypnotized, for the better part of half an hour, sweating freely in the hot summer sun, yet far too timid to seek comfort. And such is the power of the human imagination that my eyes, steadfast and unblinking, in time began to perceive a kind of form where no form existed. My mind sculpted a presence out of nothingness. And I saw, or fancied I saw, what appeared to be two dull orbs suspended some six feet off the ground. From these imagined specters it was easy to induce what could only be a pair of eyes. And my fancy, fueled now by a very real fear, continued to extrapolate--I seemed to perceive pupils in those orbs, and, at last, a kind of contour, or mantle, that surrounded the vision. When I finally lost all courage and slunk away, I was absolutely convinced that those “eyes” followed my every move. And yet the most arresting particular of this experience, and therefore the most memorable, was not the actual instance of those imagined eyes, but something unfathomable in their aspect. To this day I have endeavored to find word or words which will aptly convey their overwhelmingly morbid, inflexible, bruised-yet-bloodless expression. No such word or words will relieve me. No such model exists.

The next visitation occurred upon my entering junior high school, at that tender age when peer pressure impresses itself so adamantly upon the psyche. This time the intruder was a youngster of my own age, and of generally similar build, but in no regard of similar disposition. That is to say he was a bully, and an ugly one at that, and an intellectual coward, and a common, soulless egoist, and a cur, and the last person on the planet I’d want as a companion. Still, he was always there, wherever I went, as if anticipating my evasions, and teasing me while claiming we were friends, and engaging me in his confidence while, at the same time, subtly threatening me. I’m sure every teen has suffered at least one episode mirroring mine. This boy confounded me to tears! For instance, were I to develop a crush on a girl, it was he who would badger her affections, and not relent in his advances until the girl had shied and my frustration was complete. Were I to pursue a quiet weekend, it was he who would show, as out of thin air, to spoil my peace. I positively loathed this boy, and found myself entertaining fantasies of trouncing him. In my dreams, too, would he appear, yet always presenting a much different temper; that of a silent, persistent, and thoroughly gloomy companion. I could not shake him in these dreams; whither I turned he was there, saying nothing, his face downcast. And always this somnolent game of turning to and fro would terminate with my facing him, unable to move. And as I would be standing, spellbound, he would be slowly shaking his head; with apology, with finality--I could never know. For as he would begin to raise his face to mine I would invariably wake screaming, and spend the rest of the night disturbing the slumber of whichever parent would have me. I began sleeping in a room where many lights were kept brightly burning, and even then slept but fitfully. At long last, my nerves in shreds, I resolved to confront this boy in a physical contest, although his natural aggressiveness made the outcome of such a confrontation a foregone conclusion. No matter. I was determined to be rid of him, despite the obviously bloody consequences. I well remember the hours spent on that smelly spit of beach beside that sodden, sagging pier, challenging myself, while unconsciously developing a muttered mantra of “Go for the throat, go for the throat!” Catching myself at this I desisted, and then took a strange kind of heart. Right now, from the vantage of many years, it is as if I can see my younger self through some other person’s eyes, and observe that queer twist of the lips that is the killer’s smile, on a momentarily finer boy that once was me. And so even now my withered lips convulse, and my rheumy eyes gleam, and a wan, rasping voice that is mine and is not mine whispers, “Do it! Do it! Go for the throat!”

I determined that this altercation would take place at the earliest opportunity, as I wanted to confront him while my courage soared. It seemed that no sooner had I made this determination than my enemy appeared walking from beneath that dank old pier, his hands thrust in his pockets, a mischievous gleam in his eye. With my blood up, I immediately lashed into him, demanding he respect my privacy, accusing him of breaches both real and imagined. To my surprise he did not become heated, but merely looked all the more mischievous. Upon that look I saw only red, and did what I had so thoroughly prepared myself to do: I went for his throat.

It was in no sense of the word a fight. Whether I overpowered him or he simply gave me free reign I can’t say, for all I remember is opening my eyes to see his livid and breathless face next to mine, the gleam in those eyes nearly extinguished due to the ferocity of my choke hold. When I realized what I was doing I immediately released him and backed off. I had nearly killed the boy.

In a minute he staggered to his feet and stood looking at me oddly, struggling for breath. Finally he managed to cough out a few words, to the effect that he would get me; that I would never elude him. Thereupon he turned and rushed back under the pier. I swayed there trembling, and was quickly overcome by shame. I saw myself then as an animal, as a vile creature who pounced without provocation. I had all but murdered someone, someone whose only fault was wanting to be my friend. Brimming over with guilt and compassion, I ran across the sand into the darkness under the pier.

I expected to find him, frightened and spent, but the space under the pier appeared to be uninhabited. Calling out his name with a tone of profoundest apology, I proceeded to search the area, only to discover that I was indeed alone. I then walked to the other side of the pier, studying the sand for footprints that would establish an exit into the sunshine. Finding none, I followed up on this idea and retraced my steps to the very spot where he and I had run under the pier. There were his prints and mine in the glare without the shade, and here were mine coming into the dark and doubling back--but of his further progress there wasn’t a trace. I will confess to a space of wool gathering, and then I found myself turning back to search once more. This was a silly enterprise, but the impulse was irresistible. Again finding myself alone, I stood listening to the beating of my heart, while the tide lisped softly behind me.

Then--how shall I frame it--a species of qualm that was not altogether new shook me like a dog. I mean to say that I trembled head to toe in one long excruciating wave, as if a block of ice had just rolled down my spine. I could not turn, I could not move, I could not think. And I stood there in the dark letting my eyes adjust, and feeling the presence of another. It was not a sensation of touch, but of the coldest scrutiny. I don’t think I took a breath for the better part of a minute, while this presence slowly moved around me, as though taking me in from all sides. At last I broke, and ran back out into the summer glare.

I remember standing there blinking, trying to put two and two together. I had an odd impression that something was stirring under the pier, but, whatever it was, it was as insubstantial as the wind. This impression of activity seemed to work its way to the very edge of shadow, and again I had that chilling sense of being observed. I stood transfixed, staring at nothing. Then I supposed I perceived, again, a mantle; a ghostly outline, but more detailed, and further extended than that similar apparition which had so thrilled me as a child. I was aware of a fleeting intensity. And all at once I felt I was being strangled. I might have been dangling from a gallows. In a minute the feeling passed, and left me peering into a space of unoccupied shadow.

This experience shook me for years, and while I never saw that particular boy again, I was very reserved in subsequent relationships. Time always heals. It dilutes feelings, rearranges memories. But at the subconscious level something vital remembers. Odd patterns, strangely familiar, strike deep chords. The self-preservation instinct never rests. And it keeps me watchful. Trust is for the godly and the guileless.

In this way have I kept my mind intact over all these years. I have learned to sleep in the daytime, and only then in wide open spaces, lest even one long finger of shadow sneak upon me. Nights are spent indoors, with all lights burning.

Of course I was considered eccentric. And, later on, even mad. Those sent to interview me always showed their hand; none dared meet my challenge, none dared speak with me away from edifice or mound--away from things that will cast. And so have I endured.

The state’s awkward advances have actually worked in my favor. They have decided my mind is unbalanced, and so awarded me monthly checks and medication. Their neatly prescribed poisons I flush immediately. Their saccharine representatives I have worn down; I will be interviewed only in this open expanse of public park, and only on this very bench.

I had a wife. For the space of a year. And during that restless year the woman grew sicker almost daily. I watched the light seep from her face. I was not an altogether obsessed man in those days, and still had essential needs and pursuits. But even she, in due course, became suspect. She had supposed me insane. Perhaps she was right in stating that I took whatever she said out of context. But I knew she was tainted. At length I would not allow her to sit in the dark. The woman was tainted. Thank God we had no children.

When she was buried I stipulated that her grave site should not be in the proximity of willow or statue--of anything that might throw a shadow. I am not mad. I need not state this emphatically, for I have a lifetime of empirical proof to stead me. I am not mad--I am punctilious. I plainly see that which any man, should he look hard enough, will easily be made to ascertain. And so I can very reasonably state that that woman was placed, and that she most certainly was tainted.

Do not misapprehend me here.

There are precisely two aspects, no more, to this intoxicating thunderclap we call reality.

One is that acknowledged world of surface and substance; absolutely familiar, brightly lit and amenable to perception.

The other is a cold and thirsty place, discernible only to the blind. It is no less real than the sensory world we accept, and is as deep as the cosmos. It is the unseen. It leaches us all; continuously, insidiously, surely. It is vital entropy, lurking in every lost moment, in every broken heart, behind every fixed idea; waiting to reveal itself at that single horrible, drawn-out moment when we are no longer dazzled by the light.

We are too involved to realize we are, fundamentally, masters of nothing. Only our arrogance allows us to accept this instantaneous affront of light, of life, as a matter of worth. Only ego makes nonchalance possible. We are being snuffed, you and I. But so gradually as to be unaware.

And now, as I sit on this bench in the giving sun, what bothers me most is that I alone should be privy to this duality, this presence, this…this outrage. Other men are inspired by a variety of muses. Other men, in appearance no different than I, labor after strange appliances, build empires, surrender their selves to families and friends. Only I, it would seem, have been cursed with this dark insight.

But I am not mad. I only wish I were. At any rate, this argument is academic. I have looked long enough, and looked hard enough, to determine the full lineament of that which resides in shade. It peers from the depths of a million misgivings, and whispers in that soft pad of approaching steps.

I am old--so old. Why have I had to wait so long for the inevitable…why be born at all? To merely pass from the prenatal state of nonexistence into this brief and draining glare; to exist for a blinding heartbeat, only to pass back into shadow…I will not look. I do not have to. For, I tell you, I am not mad! And I hear those footsteps. And I see that coming shadow. And I know the face behind that cold hand on my shoulder. It is you; it is you who watch from the door wells, you who venture in the night. You, you, and you; the selfish, the venal, the hard of heart. May you burn in the light I am leaving. May you find shade enough in the grave.