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ALPHANUMERICA

Hi, you’ve reached the website of Ace Hunter, the Man Who Can. There are no pictures or graphics up yet, but I’ve tons of cool stuff to share with ya--my favorite movies, oldies, and cinema babes--so I hope we can all become great and longstanding friends on this Wonderful, Worldwide, and Way-out Web.

For all the cats out there:

I’m a good old boy who really knows how to party hearty. I totally dig rapping sports. I mean football, boxing, NASCAR. Not that other stuff, like golf and soccer and mitten-making. I like sports. I mean, no offense or anything, but I don’t want this site flooded with pictures of men in codpieces, okay? I like sports. Guy stuff. Are we cool here? That was “guy”, not “gay”.

And for all you ladies:

I’m 6´2 with deep blue eyes, a long blond mane, and no tan lines, if you know where I’m coming from (and I think you do). I wouldn’t say I’m exactly ripped, but that’s not really my call to make. Anyway, I’m working on it. Maybe we can work on it together. My favorite books are Kama Sutra and The Happy Hooker, but if you’ve got anything you wanna read to me, I’m all ears. And a few other things. I’m not super-particular: blondes, brunets, redheads--I’m easy. And I’m not hung up, either. You can wear whatever you like when we’re typing; it’ll just be our little secret. Promise. I’m the same as any other guy in that respect: I like to keep my sex life private. Hell, we can even rap in the raw if you want. You don’t have to worry about getting up-close and personal; not with Ace Hunter, not with the Man Who Can.

* * *

I can see it’s going to take a tad to get old Ace up to speed here. I’m not seeing the rush of hits I expected; in fact I haven’t picked up a single response. There must be some glitch in the system, so I’m gonna have to ask all you guys and gals out there to just be patient. We’ll get to the good stuff soon enough. In the meantime, why don’t you prepare a list of questions for the Man Who Can. You know; who I’m voting for, my favorite outfielder, what’s the raddest Chevy, which starlet has the tightest--you know; don’t be afraid to get personal (especially you babes). That’s what we’re all here for, right? Just let me roust my webmaster, and we’ll be right up and running. But only ten questions per contact, please!

* * *

That’s odd. They can’t find anything wrong with my site. So we can all just quit playing hide-and-seek here (LOL). Ya gots me, pals o’ mine--I surrender; now let’s get down to some heavy conversation. Go ahead, bros and babes; ask the ol’ Man Who Can anything. Blaze away.

* * *

You guys are just too, too much. So I have to go first; is that it? Real Mature! ☺ Okay, hang on to your blueteeth. I’ve got the inside scoop on that Ahnold and Bixby rumor: they were doing jerks in that weight room, all right! Humma-humma. And that ain’t all. One of me Ears informs me that ol’ Camille had the hots for Lady Die! (Sorry if I offended any of you Crowners out there, but here in the States we like to let it all hang out. Oops! Let me stuff it all back in). So there you go! Now it’s your turn. Hit me with your best shots, buds.

* * *

Hey, if nobody wants to visit my site that’s no skin off the Man Who Can. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody.

* * *

Just kidding. Patience is my long shot. But not with you honeypies! GrrruffF! I simply can--not--wait. How’s about you?

* * *

Whatever.

* * *

Anybody out there like puppies? I sure do hope so, man. Because I’m not just giving ’em away, I’m blowing ’em away! That’s right. I’ve got a cardboard box here with half a dozen of the little snotnoses, peeing up a storm on my best jogging sweats. Some old lady in the building gave them to me. Why? Because she knows I have so many freaking FRIENDS on the Internet I’ll be able to parcel-post ’em from here to Timbuktu, no problem. But gee, appears nobody really gives a good holy crap about the Man Who Can. So I guess he’s just gonna have to see how these little guys like partying in a sealed plastic bag. And whose conscience is that gonna be on? Not mine. Because I would have been glad to cease, if only someone had been humane enough to give me the word. So how do you want them? All together in the bag or delivered separately in shoe boxes? Here goes Snoopy right now, butt up and let down. Oh, that’s right; I don’t have an address to mail him to--none of my FRIENDS came through. Well I guess it’s down the old bowl for sweet little Snoopster. A shame, really. But you can save him! I can be swayed! Just drop a dime. A nickel. A penny. A smiley face? A freaking “Hey, Bozo”?

* * *

Okay, enough is enough. I’ve decided if Ace Hunter isn’t good enough to elicit one little response from the world, then the world isn’t good enough for Ace Hunter. So this is it, friends and lovers I’ll never know. I’m out of here; and I mean that literally. I’m closing all the windows in Hunter’s Den. I’m turning on the gas and sticking my fool head in the oven. I’ll do it, too, dig? ’Cause nothing is too drastic for the Man Who Can. So goodbye cruel world, goodbye cruel silence, and most of all, goodbye cruel Internet. This is sayonara, babies. If I don’t get a response from one of you jokers within the next five minutes I’m fairy food. I’m going for the gas now. Drop that dime fast; don’t stay a stranger. This is Ace Hunter, checking out. Hasta, amigos.

* * *

Look, I’ve got a book on homemade bombs, okay? And I’m in tight with this guy who can get me all the stuff I need to just keep on producing. OK? Now, I’ve been doing a little work in the kitchen, if you get my drift. Anybody paying attention yet? Maybe your eyes will open when I take down City Hall. I can do it, too. Remember? I’m the Man Who Can.

* * *

Hey Ace Hunter

This hot69sex4U. I woud lik 2 meat you for good times. I am eighteen years old redhead with long leg and big ta-ta. Blue eye and platinumb blonde hairs. I am 38DDD-22-36 brunet. What are these detail U talk about with the bombing City Hall, Ace Hunter? I woud lik 4 U 2 talk with me about this. I lik metalica, pizza, much beer, and heavywait boxing. They say I look lik 7 of 9 on Star Trik, but she not so hot. For fun I lik 2 paint myself purpl, gargl cup of KY jelly, and do topless jumping jaks surounded by big and many mirors. R U fun guy, Ace? From who U get bomb material, Ace? I lik 2 meat this man. I bring my many hot girlfrend and we all have fun. But I have problem with man and hope U can help. Problem is called nimfomania but unlik regular girl I can only do with one mania, if I lik him and he cute. R U cute, Ace? Where U keeping bomb Ace Hunter?

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Hi, hot69sex4U!!!!

Sorry to keep you waiting, but I got your message at the same time my agent called. We have this gig over at a swingers bar, and I’d sure like you to come along. You sound like a real cute girl and a dynamite babe. What were those measurements again? Please don’t tell me you have a sticky D key. Gee, it sounds like we have a lot in common. The same taste in food, music, and sports. What more could a guy want in a woman. That was “38” triple D, right? Not 36? It’s easy to confuse those number keys. Not that I care so much about women physically. What’s important is a woman’s mind, and I can tell you’re way smarter than most. Have you ever tried a trampoline with those mirrors? A whole cup of K-Y? Where do you live, anyway?

* * *

Hey Ace Hunter

This hot69sex4U. I have been wondering about this bombs U R making. I woud lik if maybe we coud C it together. I always think bombmaking man is very much sexy. I will bring my videocamra and fishnet bodystocking. I lik to wear it doggy styl and stand on head whil kissing many long objex and howling at moon. On trampoline. But C-ing bomb mak me get turned on. No bomb, no ta-ta. Ta-tas, Ace Hunter, ta-tas!

* * *

Hey, hey, hot69sex4U!

No sweat. I’ve got the bomb right here, babe, and she’s a real beauty. But, y’know, maybe we should get to know each other a little better first. Like, what’s your favorite hobby?

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Hey Ace Hunter

This hot69sex4U. My favorite hobby bombs. I lik mak long hot nasty naked sex with man who talk about bombs. I lik masage him with ta-tas all over whil he talk about bombs bombs bombs. Ta-tas! Bombs, Ace Hunter, bombs. What Ur real name, Ace Hunter?

* * *

Well, let’s just leave it at Ace Hunter, okay, babe? ’Cause he’s the Man Who Can. Besides, you’re not using your real name. And don’t you think this is kind of cool, like that sexy-incognito song, “Me and Mrs. Jones?” Hey?

* * *

Hey Ace Hunter

This hot69sex4U. Yes my real name hot69sex4U. Where Jones keep bombs, Ace Hunter? I woud lik 2 mak nasty with Jones, U watch whil we mak sex with big dick donkey, Ace Hunter, on tabl. With giraf, Ace Hunter, in sink, in toylet. All night long with U and Jones. He not listen! Bombs, Ace Hunter, bombs. But I not Mrs. I am black mongolyan singl girl with long tung jiant butt and big ta-tas. I lik swing with Jones and bomb, Ace Hunter. Bombs. I am littl tiny japanes woman with 58DDDDDDD ta-tas. Geisha.

* * *

Well, Gesundheit, hot69sex4U. Shucks, I don’t think it’s important what race a woman is, just so long as she’s nice and honest and stuff. I mean, how do you keep ’em off the keyboard, for Christ’s sake? That’s just a joke, hot69sex4U. If anybody appreciates a well-endowed woman, it’s the Man Who Can. I’ve been described as being a tad in the oversized department myself, so I know how you feel (that was a pun. How you “feel”. Get it?).

* * *

Hey Ace Hunter

This hot69sex4U. All my friend well-endow. We lik box naked, make slappy-slap with big ta-ta. BIG ta-ta, Ace Hunter, all girl BIG ta-ta. We lik ride horsey on bomb, Ace Hunter, show us bomb. Bring bomb, bring plan, bring material. We ring around rosey with ta-tas on you and Jones, Ace Hunter, bring Jones. I wet for you, Ace Hunter, I wet all over. Where Jones?

* * *

Hey, hot69sex4U.

You sound really kinky. And that’s like totally cool. But, you know, I’m beginning to think I might not be man enough for you.

* * *

Hey Ace Hunter

This hot69sex4U. Is OK. We can go 3way, 4way, manyway, anyway. Just mak meat hot69sex4U and Jones. Then I kiss you nasty in many naked place whil we grill Jones about material. U crazy. How I mak him keep typing? I gulp you lik fish on rufie, Ace Hunter. I dance on ta-tas upside down in vat of whip cream, shake booty lik disco girl, snap whip in high heel and panty, spank bad cowboy underpants, U name it. Look, Ace Hunter, no bra, no bra! U tell me where U live, Ace Hunter. I do naked hula hoop, I bongo ta-tas on 4head. Make pig sex in snorkles, dip ta-tas in jello, kiss good spot all night long, Ace Hunter, sex all night long.

* * *

Wow. That all sounds super cool, hot69sex4U. But this is the Internet. This is the Worldwide, Wonderful, Way-out Web. You could be anywhere. I could be anywhere.

* * *

Hey Ace Hunter

This hot69sex4U. Dont worry I very close Ace Hunter. Hot sex much ta-ta, just tell me address. I hurry down street topless on pogo stick. Make stink sex with you and Jones. All night long, Ace Hunter, all night long. Bombs.

* * *

Well, gee, hot69sex4U. You don’t have to go to all that trouble. I live at 737 Maple, apt. 412A. It’s like this big twin-building, with lots of eucalyptus trees out front. Nothing fancy, but you can see those high-rises against the downtown skyline from my bedroom win/>;”://

Hang on a second, hot69sex4U. There’s a whole bunch of official vehicles in the street. I think there’s something going on in this building. Wow. You should hear the commotion out in the hall. We may have to evacuate. Gosh, I think so. They’re pounding on my door right now. Oh my God, they’re breaking it down! I’ve got to run, hot69sex4U. Somebody out there definitely wants to meet the Man Who Can.