Thin Beauty Can't Hold Much Pain.

he is her eyelid.

blocked from view a child lay shaking.

a soft sheet of darkness creeps over it's body.

 

eyelids close over her mind.

soft and delicate.

thin beauty can't hold much pain.

 

translucent. dry.

 

painted bright yellow.

to try to bring happiness into a place where happiness is rare.

 

the soft sheet creeps up over the child's face.

the eyelid shuts tighter.

she doesn't

can't

won't

see.

 

the child is dying.

her eyes are crying.

but her eyelids are keeping the two from sweet meeting.

 

when the darkness sinks back into it's hole.

and the child is gone forever.

the eyelid creeps open.

 

but only after painting the eye bright yellow.

to match it's own twisted form of fake happiness.

 

they tell each other everything is perfect and fine.

and that's all that matters.

Author's Note

wrote this in three minutes flat... pretty raw and unedited. any suggestions? criticism is more than welcome. ratings are also welcome. thanks!

Reviews

[Hello, Goodbye]

interesting take on pain and its effects..

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I love that this is raw and unedited. You did a really nice job. I loved the free flow of thoughts of this poem. I think you did a really good job. Thanks for sharing.

[India Brooks]

Pieces that are written in such a quick amount of time can often be the best and from what I find from my own experience, are very emotion driven and relevant to things going on presently in your life. I find it intriguing and would like to know the story behind it.Well done! :)

[wolfshrew]

the use of the word "yellow" popped up in the last piece of yours I read also, I;ve noticed a lot of writers have their words and themes and phrases they insert into a lot of your writing.

there is a lot of darkness in this poem, and I definitely support dark
writing. I might only suggest going back over(mostly because you wrote it so quickly)to see if your mind sparks any ideas to alter the descriptions
or brush up with different wording. this is mostly just a suggestion for writing in general and not this piece of writing specifically. sometimes if I run across words I love the sound and meaning of, I make it a point to try and use it in some writing and that always makes for a fun exercise.

anyway, keep it up with fast writes like this, they are good for the mind.

[Jess.]

Very interesting, kinda dark, with parts I don't get, but I like pieces that make me wonder, and this did.
Nice job, I like it, and very impressed that it was written in three minutes.

[VincentRayne]

This is a very in depth poem. It makes me think about what going on from the person's point of view and then I find myself reading it again to view the overall message of the poem. extremely well done for three minutes. Your mind must have been running very well.

[KatiePie]

You wrote this is THREE MINUTES?? I'm so jealous right now, you have no idea, I have massive writers block, and here you are writing masterpieces in three minutes, your brilliant just so you know.


"he is her eyelid.
blocked from view a child lay shaking.
a soft sheet of darkness creeps over it's body.

eyelids close over her mind.
soft and delicate.
thin beauty can't hold much pain."

I swear your mind works on a completely different frequency, it must to be able to write like this, I never in a million years would've thought of a metaphor like that, and the ending, was gorgeous, there couldn't have been a more perfect ending. From the first line you had my attention fully grasped and you didn't lose it not for a moment through out the entire poem. This was freaking brilliant, don't change it. Gorgeous work, thank you for sharing. :)
-Cathrine

[Jonathan De Elvira]

three minutes??
If I want to wrote this good I'll ended up taking time like hours or so...
*thumbs up..*

[watch_the_world]

its great just the way it is xD this is sooo good xD Love it! xD This is soooo great, xD Good work you are an amazing writer, never forget that xD

[Kelley]

I think its great just the way it is. You wrote this in 3 minutes? WOW I am impressed.
I write pretty fast but not that fast. Anyway great poem with lots of feeling in it.

Thanks for sharing.

Kelley