Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

I miss your stuffed animals and eskimo kisses. When he does them, they're not quite the same. Not quite as food. Not quite as sincere. You know, I miss the orange juice photo and I miss being your Emmy Pie. I miss "hip hip hooray" in the blanket with the yarn bows. I miss when you came back from getting the mail in January and your hands were "toad". I miss all those things, because I can't remember half of them. I just remember you being at the door with a beanie baby in one hand and a suitcase in the other. I just remember those boxes of animal crackers the the plastic handles. I just remember those two things. And all this free assosciation hasn't helped me recall any suppressed memories. But, these words just might.

 

Dear Grandpa,

He left today.

He left me today.

He left all of us today.

He told me he didn't have a choice. I mean, she had her b***s hanging out, and what was he supposed to do? He told me he's just going to be down the street and I'll see him everyday. But, he's 30 minutes away and it's every other weekend with a new woman named Melanie. He told me you would be turning over in your grave if you could see what was happening now. I don't know why he said that. And I don't know why I listened. Everything he says is a lie anyways.

 

Dear Grandpa,

I know she still loves you. I just don't understand why she doesn't say that. I don't understand why she's hiding from all those promises she made with you. I understand she has to move on, but I don't understand why she insists on leaving you behind. You're my only example, you know. And I don't know what to do when he tells me cares for me or when the other guy touches my breast like I'm some sort of prize he's been itching to get his hands on for months. I don't know how to react when he doesn't text me back or when none of them look me in the eyes when I tell them my secrets. I don't know what to think when they look at me when I cry or when they're gone in two weeks. I just don't know. But, maybe you could tell me something, yeah?

 

Dear Grandpa,

It's like this. I've got nothing left. He's poisoned everyone and I thought I was smart enough to avoid those drinks. But, he poisoned my toothpaste too, because he knows how clean I like to be. he knows I brush four times a day and he knows he can get me four times harder than the rest. He got me and now I'm four times lower than the rest with this metal that hears me when you can't. And it's listening. it really is. i'm going to come visit you, ok? I told everyone it isn't that far, but it's miles further than I said and it's more permanent than I mentioned as well. Just don't let them know, ok? I've just got to cross the stream, first. All my bags are floating down the river.

 

Catch them for me, won't you Grandpa? It's getting hazy for me now. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stand on my own. So catch me too, won't you Grandpa?