The beginning

once, long ago, there lived a very rich lady who went by the name of lady Polly Palmer. lady Polly had a daughter called Elizabeth who was 10 years old. They had lots of staff, but the lady was very independent. one day, Elizabeth strolled outside into the garden. She ran around the side of the house, pushed open the small wooden gate and stepped onto the small lawn that she loved to play in as a little girl. the lawn was very beautiful. With the grass freshly trimmed, short and green. Flowers popped up blooming here and the probably due to Miranda, Elizabeth thought. The sky was deep blue and there were very few clouds in the sky as they were all blocked out by the Sun. little Elizabeth ran around dancing joyously, watching the rosebuds blooming and the branches waving lazily in the light breeze. it was then, as she reached the end of the garden, that she squatted down to examine a clump of flowers and then she saw a very strange plant which seemed to be fully grown but which seemed to have just bloomed at the same time. What could it be? She thought to herself she reached out to the plant before realising that it was spiky. She remembered what her mother Polly had said, "one must never go touching plants if they are unknown." she withdrew her hand and thought, I must go and ask Miranda to examine this. she got up and ran back up the path to the little Gate. After carefully closing it behind her, she ran around the side of the house and pushed open the door into the entryway. She looked around the large stone hallway. To the left, the tightly closed door leading into the kitchens. To the right, the wide open door reading into the large cosy lounge. She peered in, there wasn’t nobody in the room except Mrs Hazel who was the cleaning lady. she moved a little further down the way. To the left on the wall, a large painting of her great grandma Ethel. This house had been passed down through three generations of Palmer. to the right, the opening that led downstairs to the servants quarters. Elizabeth headed upstairs and threw the pair of double doors that stood open at the top. People bustled around her, as she moved carefully around irrintated staff as they went about their business. This was the main floor where all the activities seem to happen. There was the library, the drawing room, the sewing room, the school room, the teachers office, the hospital ward where three highly trained nurses worked, and the gym. Elizabeth hurried along the corridor to the drawing room. there was no attendant at the door, so she pushed it open and stepped into the elaborately decorated drawing Room. The lady sat tall, slim and prim, her blond hair, long and stiff in a French plat down her back. Her deep blue eyes looked as if they were searching for something. It seemed that they had found what they were looking for as the door opened and lady Polly’s daughter entered the drawing room. "my dear child, what brings you here today?" Elizabeth suddenly became nervous, Mrs. Scott, her school teacher, wasn’t very good at elocution in her opinion, but would her lessons satisfy her mother. "dear mother," she said, "where pray, is Miranda?" "ah, but she is in the garden is she not?" "no mother, she is not in the garden, that is the reason I ask you." her mother frowned, looking puzzled. she turned and pressed a bell beside her. Ding ding ding ding! Marie The nanny, came into the room. "you called my lady?" Marie said. "yes, I wish to know where our gardener has got to," "yches my lady." Marie hurried out of the room. A few moments later, in came Miranda. "you called!" Yes, my daughter wanted to speak with you, it seems, on a matter of great urgency." "there's a strange plant on my lawn," "I Will investigate that at once.'"

Reviews

[Spamalot]

If you’re going to write fiction, you need to take several things into account.

1. Punctuation, grammar, and such things as capitalization were created to make the act of reading easy for the reader. Ignoring capitalization, as you do, causes the reader to focus on something other than the story, and you never want that to happen.

2. Fiction does NOT tell the reader a story. The reader isn’t seeking to know the events that make it up. They want you to make THEM experience those events, as-the-protagonist, and, in real-time. And that cannot be done with the nonfiction report-writing skills we’re given in school as they prepare us for employment. To write fiction takes the skills of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession. Things like how to present thoughts realistically are very different from how you do, here.

We don’t see the tools of writing fiction in use as we read, any more than visiting a museum teaches us brush technique, or how to prepare a canvas for painting. But we DO see the result of using those skills. And we expect to see that — and will reject what wasn’t created with them, immediately.

More to the point, your reader expects to see the result of using those skills — which is the best argument I know of for digging into those skills.

3. We cannot transcribe ourselves telling the story for several reasons:
a. The storyteller is replacing the actors and the scenery in film with THEIR performance. So, HOW they tell the story matters as much as what they say. But, no trace of that “how” reaches the reader. Not gesture; eye-movement; expression changes; body language; changes in intensity and cadence; meaningful pauses for breath; the emotion in the storyteller’s voice, or ANY of what makes a story work in person.
b. The focus of the narrator's words in storytelling is information, with the emotional component supplied via their performance. But...on the page we do have all the actors, the scenery, and more. True, we have no pictures. But making up for that, we can take the reader where film cannot go: into the mind of the protagonist.

4. A minor point: In most online sites indenting paragraphs via spaces or tabs doesn’t work, as you see in your posted work. Instead, use your word processor’s ruler to indent. That does get translated.

So..... This is far from good news, I know. But the problems I mentioned aren’t there when you read the story. For you the narrator’s voice — your voice — is filled with the emotion the reader can’t know to place there. You begin reading already knowing the situation, the characters and their backstory. And you have intent guiding your understanding. The reader? They have what the words suggest to them, based on their life-experience. So...given that the problems are invisible to you, isn't a matter of talent, and, is fixable.... Since you’ll not fix the problems you don’t see as problems, I thought you might want to know.

The fix is simple enough. We pretty much all forget that they offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing. Would they do that if those skills are optional? Of course not. So, dig into those skills, practice them till thay’re as intuitive to use as those you now use, and there you are.

Will that involve work? Of course. But so what? Learning what you want to know isn’t a chore. And the practice is writing stories that you, and the reader, will like a LOT better. In fact, the true joy of writing lies in using those skills. So, what’s not to love?

For an overview of the issues, I’m vain enough to suggest my own articles and YouTube videos.

And for the best way to acquire the skills that will give wings to your words, an excellent first book is Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

It’s a warm easy read, and she will amaze you with the number of things that make perfect sense, that we all miss when we turn to writing fiction. So try a few chapters for fit. I think you’ll find it extremely eye-opening.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Sally]

thank you for your very descriptive and information filled review. I will take all this into consideration and look at the articles books and videos you have suggested. in the meantime, I recommend you try reading my autobiography which is non-fiction so it may be a little better for you.