Red Siren

I was introduced to this Welsh poetic form by Richard (of course!). My attempt is based on a California zinfandel wine I tasted, Red Siren, and on the story behind the Purple Corduroy vineyard.

Wearing purple corduroy shorts

on Laguna beach at sunset,

professional surfer's my bet

for this young lad's future career.

He carves moats in the sand for forts

that only exist in his mind.

Dad drinks beer brewed with orange rind.

"Junior will vinify," says seer.

(fast forward)

He surfs at those world class resorts,

then buys a vineyard in Lodi.

His wine is so good it's "Oh my!"

For me, it's much better than beer.

Red Siren comes with micromorts:

too many zinns, your life's a toy.

"Cheers, vineyard Purple Corduroy!"

I drink to the end without fear.

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Way to go, Roland!
A brilliant piece, I love it, and a very creatively-interesting storyline to keep your readers' attention all the way through, as-well. The split and (refrain) are nice touches, too … very good!

On the technical side: L1 reads awkwardly; consider "Wearing purple corduroy shorts" plus "this young lad" is redundant with "Boy", and change the semicolon in L2 to an ellipsis "…" as L1 and L2 do not make a complete sentence. V2; L1 end with a comma, as it runs-on (rushes) into L2. L4 add quotes to "Junior will vinify," says seer ("vinify" nice poetic-license … LOL!). V3L3 add comma after "it's,". V4L2 and L3 rhymes are not correct: suggest "your life's absurd" etc; to rhyme with vineyard (vin-yərd, not vīn-yärd). L4 add a comma or an ellipsis after "end,"/"end …" .

Overall, for your first effort at the Tawddgyrch Cadwynog, this is exceptional! work on your poetic voice, grammar issues for this and future writes, and correct them each and I'll change the score from 85/100 to 100/100.
Thanks for being such a brilliant learner, Roland, and for the sheer enjoyment and genuine smile from this poem's excellent and imaginative tale … I think "this young lad" could easily have been You! ⁓ Richard : )


(any who may be interested in this form, it is Welsh, and the rules can be found at http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1641179/ with my poem "Love's soft Winds")

[Roland Petrov]

You're always so encouraging, Richard; mucho thanks! I've made some changes, and thanks to your inspiration, I like the last verse better now ("toy" as in" playing with your life"). Not sure that "vinify" is poetic license; my dictionary lists it as a verb with the meaning: "to ferment grape juice into wine"; hence, I thought I was being grammatically correct. Thanks for all the compliments, Richard. Attempting to do justice to the styles you introduce me to is always a challenge but also a pleasure.

[Richard🖌]

You're so very welcome, and how right you are, Roland, but "vinify" is such a neat word it should be poetic-license … LOL!
I am always glad to learn a new word … thanks a bushel, My Friend! : )
What happened to the correction in V4L4?
Now, the way you have it, it should read:

"Cheers, vineyard Purple Corduroy;
I drink to the end without fear!"

LOLOLOL!

[Roland Petrov]

I toast the vineyard, but my drinking their wine to excess has nothing to do with them; hence, the personal observation not in quotations. While I do like the way you suggest, the vineyard may not!

[Richard🖌]

¡¡¡Hmmm!!!

[Willard Wells]

A very nice work and you can never go wrong with Zin.

[Roland Petrov]

You can't!

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Now I'm beginning to think you have a drinking problem. LOL! Kudos on both the form and the content. I find a bit of humor infused in the wine of your words.

[Roland Petrov]

I have a bit of a drinking problem, but it would probably be worse if I didn't write these poems!

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Here, here! I'll drink to that.

[Terry O'Leary]

An interesting rhyme scheme...
As to what Richard says... well, I'll drink to that!!
Nice poem...