The child

I printed this out and drew an illustration for it. I hope you like both :D

The child looks out through failing eyes
  At the world he longs to know.
No one heeds his mournful cries,
  Or the tears that do not show.

He hears the sounds as children play
  So unburdened by the past,
Just living for the present day
  And it's joys that will not last.

He wants to join them in their youth
  To laugh, to dance, to sing;
But the silence of his empty room
  Too loudly locks him in.

He feels the weight of emptiness
  That drags him further down
In the tearful sea of loneliness,
  Where no one sees him drown.

He reaches for a hand to hold,
  But the world just passes by.
"How is it I became so old ?
  How soon before I die ?"

Author's Note

I'd love to hear what you think !!
I'm not sure of a couple of parts, such as the last two lines.
I was thinking it should be in the first person and quotes "How is it I became so old ? ... etc". Was also thinking "How quickly" instead of "How is it", and "How long until" instead of "How soon before". I'm not really sure which conveys best what I want. They're subtly different and can work either way quite effectively, I think.
Also the second last verse is a bit cheesy, I thought :P. And also that maybe change to "into the sea of loneliness" instead. Hmmm.
So feedback would be welcome :D

Reviews

[Beau Maysey]

Wonderful poem about age and isolation!
If you are worried about cliches, just look at lines you feel are suspect and think about how else they could be phrased; I know I have lines in my poetry that could probably be made less dry.
It would be interesting to have the whole poem in first person rather than third person and cut to his thoughts at the end.
I like the associations between the old man and the child inside, very good. Watch out in line 8- "its"
Very good job, now go back and edit it a bit. :)

[Rogie-Dodge]

I can get a little lazy with my punctuation, and proofing one's own work is difficult. Yes, obvious that rogue apostrophe shouldn't be there now you point it out I'll fix it up. Out, damned apostrophe!!

[Rogie-Dodge]

I don't think the first verse would work as well in first person. The whole identification of the inner self as a child. Just saying "I'm a child looking out...," doesn't feel right. And u lose the notion of the inner child as a separate identity trapped within. The adult may not even be aware of that child or hear its thoughts.

[Rogie-Dodge]

The quotes in the final verse imply a 'He asks' .. so it's not really a change in person .. but I feel it is better without explicitly saying 'he asks.' The directly quoted question draws the reader into the child's world and gives it more impact, I think. But I may play with the idea and see how it reads and feels.

[Ashley Armstrong]

Deep stuff. Wow.
Well written.
A bit dark, but I like it

[Angel Criner]

Wow... a walk in the shoes of one who has aged with time and sits behind tethered blinds.
A visualizing write... love it.

[Riding the Rainbow]

amazing piece...it touched my heart...well done..

[Rogie-Dodge]

Then me work here is done :D .. thank you.

[radio raven]

Very good, one of my favs from you.

[Kaylie]

I really enjoyed this, you're quite the author yourself. I think putting it in to first person may give it more of a personal feel. I like the structure, And the content, I really have nothing negative to say.

[Rogie-Dodge]

So I did think maybe to make it:

He reaches for a hand to hold,
But the world just passes by.
"How is it I became so old ?
How soon before I die ?"

(it rhymes a little better too)
I just wasn't sure if the sudden change to first person would be out of place. But if I include the quotes, then it still works. What do you think?

[Kaylie]

I agree, the quotes are a loophole and make it a better rhyme scheme, and helps you link first and third person together.

[Rogie-Dodge]

I'll change it then :D