Not gone

a short story about a fallen hero's younger sister goes through a traumatic breakdown about her brothers death.

1/30/13
Ballet takes precision, balance, grace and elegance. I have done this since I was 5 years old. I remember my older brother Leslie, who was 7 at the time, would always make fun about me looking so girly when I had on my ballet equipment. I would laugh with him too, because I may have done ballet a lot, but the clothes were not something I preferred.
---
I was used waring torn up blue jeans and sneakers like my brother. Not tutus and ballet flats. We grew up in a house that was back in the woods some, but not totally secluded. Next to the house was a river. That's where Leslie and I would spend most of are time. We even had built a little tree-house there. we would spend our days covered head to toe in mud. We didn't care if it was blistering hot or bone chilling cool, we always found a way outside. We were best friends.

Even when we both started hitting adolescents and puberty, we never stopped being close. Sure, our bickering increased, but that's what siblings do. Even best friends do it. In high school we stayed close as well. Although, I wasn't exactly popular unlike Leslie, he would still hang out with me and made sure I was never bothered. Usually when his friends would come over, I would get to hang out with them too. They still come around sometimes, even though Leslie went on active duty 4 months ago. They just drop in to see how it's all going and if we have heard anything from him.

I haven't heard from Leslie in 3 and a half weeks now. I miss him so much and I try so hard not to worry, but its hard knowing he is over seas fighting and at any moment he could die.

I remember I told him this at the airport the day he was leaving. I pulled him aside a few minutes before his flight and said that I was so worried that he could die any second while we're here living our normal lives and thinking nothing is wrong. He just laughed when I told him this, and I got so frustrated and mad that he wasn't taking me seriously.

"Do you think this is a joke? Leslie you could DIE!" I complained to him and stamped my foot.

"Whoa calm down there Winnie. I know you will be worried, I will be too. And I you are scared, and even though I don't show it, so am I. Yes, where I'm going is dangerous, but I promise you, I will come back. I won't ever leave without saying goodbye. I promise. We are strong Winnie. Both of us. We can do this. I know we can because I can and you're my best friend and my baby sister, so I know you can too."

"Then don't say goodbye now. Please." I pleaded him. I didn't want to hear those words from his mouth yet. Not now.

He cracked a half smile and hugged me tight. I heard him sniffle like he was crying, I fought the best I could not too cry as well. Not in front of him.

"See you soon little sister."

"You too big brother."

He turned his back and headed to bored his plane. That's when I let myself cry. I made sure he couldn't see me first and then I just dropped to the floor and cried.  My parents came to collect me and we went on our way.
---
I always think about those memories as I dance. I have always been told when I dance I move with such grace. And as I glide across the floor its almost as though I'm chasing something, like a goal. What they don't understand is I'm not chasing the future, I'm chasing the past. When I move across that hardwood surface, I am chasing my memories as they play out in front of me, because all I want is to go back to when my brother was home.

Today's practice was longer than usual though. I guess I got really lost in thought or something because eight hours had gone and past from the time I left until now. It's four p.m. which means my mother is over at the neighbors for tea and my father is still at work. Neither of them will be home until six p.m.

I decide to go watch a bit of television until my parents come home.It hits six, and I hear the door open.

I got to wear I could see the front door when I see man suited up in a green military uniform with a familiar sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face.

"LESLIE!" I scream as I run and wrap my arms tightly around him. "Why didn't you tell us you were coming home? I missed you so much!"

"I missed you so much too Winnie, but you have to listen to me, I love you OK? And no matter what, no one can know I'm here. No matter what you get told, don't tell them I'm here. I missed you so much. I told you I would come home." He finished his sentence with a smirk and then panicked as the sound of a car pulling into our driveway reached our ears. He put his fingers to his lips and gestured that he was going to go hide in our coat closet.

I didn't think much of it because I figured he was just hiding from Mom and Dad or something to scare them. I wonder if that's them now.

A second later I hear a knock at my door. I open it to see two army officials standing there with an envelope. I know that usually when this occurs, it's because a member of your family that is serving has died, but Leslie is home. Why are they here?

"Mrs.Bronx?" The older of the two officers spoke.

"No, this is her daughter. My parents aren't home yet." As soon as I say so, my mother's silver ford pulls in. She gets our of the truck and reaches the porch just as she looks up and notices the two officers. Her first reaction is shock, which then quickly is replaced with horror and tears. Her hand shoots to cover her mouth as she takes a deep breath and drops to her knees on the stairs. She starts to babble words that we can't understand, but they almost sound like she is begging and pleading no, repeatedly.

The oldest of the officers goes over to offer his hand to help her up. He introduces himself then. "Hello Mrs.Bronx? I am Officer Kim. The Secretary of the Army has asked me to express his deep regret that your son, Leslie, was killed in action in Afghanistan on 1/28/13. He died in a helicopter crash when his craft was shot from the sky by opposing forces. The Secretary extends his deepest sympathy to you and your family in your tragic loss.”

My mother tried to reply, but couldn't. She was shaking so much and I wanted to help her so badly but all I could do was stand back away from the door stalk still and catatonic. I was just watching it all play out in front of me. I couldn't even hear there voices over my own in my head. How is it possible? I just saw him. He was just here. He was home. He came home.

It took me a second to realize that the youngest officer had come to my side while the other one was on the porch talking to my mother.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I knew your brother and he was one of the bravest soldiers I have ever met-"

"Are you sure it's his body they recovered from the crash?"

"We-, yes. Yes it is."

"How do you know?"

"Because he died in my arms. I was on the team that went to crash to try and save them. We did everything we could but his wounds were just to much. He died a quick death. He didn't suffer much." He kept dodging glances back at the other officer outside. I have a feeling what he was doing was against code. He reached into his pocket and pulled something out.

"I pleaded and requested to go and deliver this message because I have something that needs to be given to you." He held up a silver dog tag necklace with my brothers information on it. "Right before he died, he begged me to give this to you. May I?" He asked gesturing to my neck.

I reached up and pulled my hair out of the way so he could put it on me. "I, Cadet Cody Floyd, present you with the dog tag of the bravest man to ever cross my path. May his good charisma and hard workmanship be passed on to you in great bounty."

When he finished, he stood up pin straight and saluted me, then turned on his heel and walked back to the other officer's side. Within 5 minutes they concluded their business and left. I slipped the necklace into my shirt so that my mother wouldn't see my secret as she came in.

As she closed the door, she looked at me and the pain in her eyes was so depressing, I just couldn't hold it in. "Leslie isn't dead!"

She gave me a skeptical look, "what?"

"He isn't dead mom. I saw him. Right before the officers came, he walked in the door and told me that I couldn't tell anyone he was here."

"Sweetie what are you talking about? Now is not a good time for games."

"But I'm not lying." I turned and pointed to the closet. "Go look. In there. That's where he hid."

"Winnie this isn't funny."

"No mom really!" I went to the closet and opened it up, but the only thing that was there was an old broom. I turned to her and she was furious. "Mom, please! You have to believe me! He was here! I saw him!"

"Wynonna! That is enough! Why would you play a game like this! You are 17 years old! Start acting like it! And I think a good place to start is with respect!" She looked at me like I was some monster. I don't understand. He was here.

My mother turned and went to the kitchen to call my father and to start on that first bottle of wine.
---
I can't sleep. It's two a.m. and I just can't sleep. What happened? How did I see him? Was it his ghost? No, that's impossible. Ghost don't exist. How come that's the only logical answer though. Maybe if I get something warm to drink like chamomile tea to calm my nerves, I could get to sleep.

I climb out of bed and as I reach my parents room I can hear my mother weeping as my father tries to clam her. All I can even picture of her right now is how she looked at me earlier. almost like I wasn't her daughter. I just wish she would believe me. I can't even stand to be in this house right now.

I remember when Leslie and I were younger and my mother was recovering from being an alcoholic, we would go to our tree house by the river on the nights that were bad for her. They never noticed we were gone then, I don't think they will notice that I'm gone now.

I got on my jacket and shoes, and headed outside. I took my journey out to that old fort quickly by running through the damp grass. I reached the ladder in no time and climbed on up.

I haven't been in this thing for ages. It smells of damp moss and rain. So much smaller than I remember as well.

I climb in and turn on the old electric lamp we had in there, thank goodness the batteries still work. With the dim light spread throughout the little building, I locate our old closed up box of pillows and blankets. I take out my old set and lay it out on the tree house floor and get comfortable.

Just then I hear that familiar voice. "It's been a while huh, Winnie?"

I look up to see Leslie sitting on the other side of the fort. I should have been scared, but he is my brother, why would I fear him?

"Why did you leave earlier?"

"Oh, that? I just couldn't stay. you know hearing Mom cry drives me nuts."

"But why couldn't you come back when I tried to show Mom you were home? I think she hates me because of that prank you pulled."

"I told you Winnie, no one can know I'm home."

"But why?"

"Because I only came back for you. You're the only person I ever promised I would come back. I promised to say goodbye."

Just like that day at the airport, I fought back the tears. We were strong. I was strong.

He looks me in the eyes and speaks softly, "Good bye little sister."

And just like that, the damn breaks and I can't hold it back anymore, I let out a blood curdling scream saying no. I struggle to get over to him before he disappears but it's too late he is gone. I call his name and plead for him to come back. For hours it seems like I have been doing this.

I finally gave up and sat with my knees balled to my chest in the corner. I let my cries out in sobs just murmuring over and over again, "Not gone. Not gone. Not gone."

Just as it seems the last tear drop I could manage to produce falls to my shirt, the sun comes up. The rays shine through the little window in the wall. I stare at them and I remember when we first built this tree house. And I scooch closer to the window to get a better view.

"Not gone."

I remember us playing down in the mud on the river bank. I get a little closer. It's so pretty.

"Not gone."

I remember spending our summer nights in here telling stories and listening to the river below us. I get even closer. It makes me smile.

"Not gone."

I remember it all and I want it back so badly. I want the days where it was just us as kids and we were so happy. We didn't have a care in the world. I get even closer and I look down. I see two children playing on the river bank and building a little castle.

"Not gone."

The little girl gets up and heads towards the water where it's slippery. I see the memory play out before me and I chase it like when I'm on the dance floor. I'm leaning out of the window and I can almost reach it.

"Not... Gone..."

I stretch a little more and I think I have it. I caught my memory. It feels like I'm falling... I am falling. Oh no! turn back! No! Go back! I want my memory! I see the rocks so close... So close...

I hear an echoing crack like a whip on stone. I can feel the blood pooling around me and the water rushing over the lower half of my body. It's all so blurry.

I turn my head I try to get my vision to focus and I feel the pain slowly start to dwindle. I see a figure stand above me. It's Leslie, but he is small again.

"Wow, Winnie. Are you OK? that was one nasty slip."

I sit up slowly with his help and i stand. I glance down at my self and notice I'm younger too. I look to where I was just laying and I see me. The teenage me, with blood pooled around her head and a blank stare in her eyes. And as I stare at my body, I see it crumble and turn to stone. From the blood grew a bushel of red poppies. And then I was gone. Yet, I'm still here.

"Winnie come on. lets finish our castle."

I turn to see Leslie sitting next to what seems to be a half way done sand castle made from the fine grainy pebbles and  mud on the river bank, just like the one the kids in my memory were building.

Just then a smile grows across my face and feeling of serene peace settles in. I finally caught my memory. With the smile growing bigger and bigger on my face and just as I'm about to run to go play with Leslie, I whisper to myself one last time just to prove I was right, "Not gone."

Reviews

[Stephen]

Finally, i've read the story and the whole book of yours just in a story, "NOT-GONE" .. I loved this write, after a long time i've again got lost into the emotions since I'd .. last time, read your chapters. I was so curious that day to read and know what happens next! and thank god, finally .. today, I knew what happened at an end. Heyy, i've watched a movie through this story indeed and it's so graceful and powerful in reading that it made me lost in your words deeply... for a while, I was lost into the world of fantasy when I was reading this beautiful story.

You've reversed the whole life of "Leslie" and "Winnie" walking across the oceans.. living the whole life. Am glad Leslie came back to Winnie and Winnie got found her old memories back she wanted to watching those kids playing at the same place ...where Leslie and Winnie were once used to.

I adore this beautiful write!

You've got a great talent to write stuffs and convert the feelings of yours into words making the readers impress by the words. This time, i'd want to say that "Thank You for being over the site sharing your beautiful stuffs with others." I do appreciate your all stuffs.

Keep Writing and with the deepest gratitude, I wish you thank you for letting me know about this story or else i'd have missed the chance reading or watching an emotional story. Heyy...I wish you more now, "May you get published soon!" :)

Take care!

[Mikayla Rasmussen]

well a few things you have wrong, 1. the ending may not be the same at all in the book. as i said i am re writing the story and changing it. it is just based off of this and 2. the children playing by the river were her and leslie. she was seeing a memory in front of her.

[Mikayla Rasmussen]

other then that, thanks

[Stephen]

Yeah, i've got changes, you here in the story didn't mention about the friend of Leslie who's in his bed at night and much more ... but I found this one better because it makes much sense. The ending made me quite confuse which's why I read the end one part twice a time ...I'd two aspects on my mind when I was reading the ending ...one was that those kids made her lost into her old memories and Second one that those kids were Winnie and Leslie so, I was bit confused but thanks for clearifying the few things ...and she reminded her old memories when she got the river, grass, tree house, sands and much more as same as before. Lovely write :)
And ...yeah ..it's always my pleasure to read your stuffs!

[Mikayla Rasmussen]

well of course there is going to be changes.. that should have been expected considering this is a story and the other is a novel, not to mention that the other one does not make sense because it is not finished. you cannot jump to conclusions on these things.

[Stephen]

Gotcha! But a reader can get a concept of the novel reading the story line which's what I did. Anyway ... of course, you'd made changes making the novel better reading cus, me too make much changes in my stuffs once I do complete. So, all the best for your novel.
Keep Writing!

[Mikayla Rasmussen]

i plan on it...

[Stephen]

Great to know!
Keep on!

[Asem]

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO great
nice job

[Mikayla Rasmussen]

thank you! :) that means a lot

[Asem]

YOU are welcome keep write
i still read more you are good writer ,, Well this what i think :)

[A. Amos]

Sweet,soft and very decent write. Thank you for inviting your readers back in time to some of your beautiful memories, you elegantly define.
Thanks for sharing

[Mikayla Rasmussen]

you're welcome :) and thank you too

[A. Amos]

You're always welcome