1/20/14

I feel bad because I know I have done the same to them and I do not deserve different, but it just hurts, knowing I'm just some toy. I'm just some washed up toy. That's how I am to everyone really. I'm only needed if it benefits them. They only talk to me if they feel like it, or to ask me a favor. I never get anything in return. No thanks or favor back. Just nothing. I am unappreciated and it hurts. Somehow it's my fault. Its karma. I did this to my self and its my fault. I should have never started it all. In fact I'm in so deep now the only way out is death. Maybe that's what has to happen. maybe i just need to end it all. I introduced myself to the blade on my skin, felt it slide across. I watched as is it dripped hot and red, almost like I was draining all the pain from my body. It felt good. I felt better. I wanted more. I would have done more if I didn't get distracted.
     I looked up and saw my self in my mirror. I saw that girl that so many people "loved" but continuously tossed aside and used. I saw her and felt so bad. I started to cry and I felt pathetic. I saw memories play in the mirror. memories of the nice things said to me. I saw my smile that so many people loved. But it just didn't feel like me. All that "love" and kindness bestowed upon that person in the mirror, there was no way it was me. maybe a charade of my true self using my body as its vessel, but not me. When the memories lead to the pain, loss and depression, that's when it felt like me. That's when I felt like myself.
     Right then I really knew that was me at that moment in the mirror. Just a worthless worn out used reflection. One that didn't shine and was dark. I used to envision the most sparkly dainty tiara on my head, the one that made me a princess, but now all I can manage to envision is the shatters pieces of it laying unrepairable in front of me. I was so used to be the princess, the girl with the guards and the castle. The one that people worshiped and loved. the one that would never be hurt. but as I grew and reality settled in.
     I realized my indestructible diamond tiara and my strong successful empire was nothing but plastic crown and cardboard boxes.  When the rain started to fall on my world, the cardboard turned to mush and my tiara slipped and fell. It shattered on the ground. I went down and tried to mend the pieces. It would sometimes hold for a little while, but would always break again. Such an innocent thing. So small, so pure, so ruined and broken by the truth of the harsh world and by my own choices.
     So as I went to slide that blade again, deeper this time, across my skin, I stopped, because I do not deserve to have the happiness of it all finally being over and me being at peace. No, I must accept my consequences and endure my suffering. i will continue to paint the bleak pictures on my "beautiful" canvas, just to remind that I'm not OK, and that I'm not a princess. I don't deserve to be happy. I will do it to remind that its all my fault and I will never be at peace. I will never feel real love, because even the most powerful of queens only is intrigued by the fortunes. So selfish and so cruel. The same goes for the peasant living in the dirt outside. All of them just wishing for the best of everything. Wanting what they want. I am the most selfish of all, because I knew what I was doing and yet I continued on with it.
     I was nothing but a dreamer trapped in my own fantasy, now I'm a hollow shell, with the my walls thick with hate and envy. No one will help me because i am not special, I'm just another grain of sand on the beach.