You be the Hello

A Poem by Roch Ketchum

We might not be lovers,
But still can't live without talking to
We might not be lovers,
But still can't live without talking to each other,
We might not be two souls bound together,
Still share a bond of happily ever after

As you come with that aura around you,
My facade of keeping it all together breaks down,
And the moment you start the conversation,
All hell breaks loose

We might not be together,
But are still watching everything from somewhere above,
We might not be the moon and the stars as the wind flows by
But still can be seen by the birds as clouds in the sky

As you blink your eye,
I drown in that deep blue ocean,
And as you adjust your bangs,
The cherry blossoms bloom, swift breeze flows by

We want to be one, but can't be,
We are still collecting pebbles, thinking we are chasing the stars,
It doesn't need to end, I don't want it to end,
But no beautiful masterpiece was created without any scars

So you'll be the cynosure, and I'll be the shine,
You be the storm and I'll try to be the force behind,
You be the rose, and I the the thorns that go unnoticed by,
You'll be the hello
And I
The goodbye

© 2017 Roch Ketchum

Author's Note

I wrote in like 10 minutes, so I don't expect it to be good, but do share your opinions.

My Review

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Featured Review

Rynn

"We might not be lovers,
But still can't live without talking to" - I don't think you need 'to' added here. I really like the opening. I found it to be really catching.

"We might not be lovers,
But still can't live without talking to each other,
We might not be two souls bound together,
Still share a bond of happily ever after " - I like the repetition. I'm interested to see if the trend carries throughout. I am wondering if the 'talking to each other' is a redundancy? The last line here really made me wonder what exactly is the relationship behind these two.

"As you come with that aura around you,
My facade of keeping it all together breaks down, " -I liked your word choice here, one thing I would like to know if whether the capitols at the start of each line were intentional. Keep in mind that the reader will read the piece the way that the punctuation dictates. Read it aloud and perhaps using some commas instead of making each line a sentence, would aid your flow.

"And the moment you start the conversation,
All hell breaks loose " - great imagery!

"We might not be together,
But are still watching everything from somewhere above, " - I found this line a little bit confusing. I didn't know if you were referring to angels or some higher power.

"We might not be the moon and the stars as the wind flows by
But still can be seen by the birds as clouds in the sky" - this too strayed from the original thought process. Not a bad thing, I think a smoother transition of ideas might be good here.

"As you blink your eye,
I drown in that deep blue ocean, " - Good description but I would challenge you to use another sense to describe things. Smell, taste, touch, and hearing are all at your disposal.

"And as you adjust your bangs,
The cherry blossoms bloom, swift breeze flows by " - I really like this line.

"We want to be one, but can't be,
We are still collecting pebbles, thinking we are chasing the stars, " - again, the flow/tone shifts a little bit. I would say a smoother transition here again would add more fluency.

"It doesn't need to end, I don't want it to end,
But no beautiful masterpiece was created without any scars " - very nice line. I would say you don't need beautiful because you've got masterpiece. It's a tad redundant.

"So you'll be the cynosure, and I'll be the shine, " -Great line.

"You be the storm and I'll try to be the force behind,
You be the rose, and I the the thorns that go unnoticed by,
You'll be the hello
And I
The goodbye" - the endings of poems are often the hardest part, for me anyway. I think you did a great job on it. Those last lines were really beautiful.

Overall, you've got a great draft here. With some nit picking and polishing this will be a really great finished work. Thank you for the great read. Write on.

-Rynn

Posted 7 Years Ago

"We might not be lovers, 
But still can't live without talking to" - I don't think you need 'to' added here. I really like the opening. I found it to be really catching.

"We might not be lovers, 
But still can't live without talking to each other, 
We might not be two souls bound together, 
Still share a bond of happily ever after " - I like the repetition. I'm interested to see if the trend carries throughout. I am wondering if the 'talking to each other' is a redundancy? The last line here really made me wonder what exactly is the relationship behind these two.

"As you come with that aura around you, 
My facade of keeping it all together breaks down, " -I liked your word choice here, one thing I would like to know if whether the capitols at the start of each line were intentional. Keep in mind that the reader will read the piece the way that the punctuation dictates. Read it aloud and perhaps using some commas instead of making each line a sentence, would aid your flow.

"And the moment you start the conversation, 
All hell breaks loose " - great imagery!

"We might not be together, 
But are still watching everything from somewhere above, " - I found this line a little bit confusing. I didn't know if you were referring to angels or some higher power.

"We might not be the moon and the stars as the wind flows by 
But still can be seen by the birds as clouds in the sky" - this too strayed from the original thought process. Not a bad thing, I think a smoother transition of ideas might be good here.

"As you blink your eye, 
I drown in that deep blue ocean, " - Good description but I would challenge you to use another sense to describe things. Smell, taste, touch, and hearing are all at your disposal.

"And as you adjust your bangs, 
The cherry blossoms bloom, swift breeze flows by " - I really like this line.

"We want to be one, but can't be, 
We are still collecting pebbles, thinking we are chasing the stars, " - again, the flow/tone shifts a little bit. I would say a smoother transition here again would add more fluency.

"It doesn't need to end, I don't want it to end, 
But no beautiful masterpiece was created without any scars " - very nice line. I would say you don't need beautiful because you've got masterpiece. It's a tad redundant.

"So you'll be the cynosure, and I'll be the shine, " -Great line.

"You be the storm and I'll try to be the force behind, 
You be the rose, and I the the thorns that go unnoticed by, 
You'll be the hello 
And I 
The goodbye" - the endings of poems are often the hardest part, for me anyway. I think you did a great job on it. Those last lines were really beautiful.

Overall, you've got a great draft here. With some nit picking and polishing this will be a really great finished work. Thank you for the great read. Write on.

-Rynn

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

7 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for your valuable review Rynn

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