BANALITY

Comdedy: A superspy's mundane assignment turns out not to be so mundane.

FADE IN:
EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ ON A RIVER ROAD - NOON

A HARRIED LOOKING MAN waits at a table, nervously reading a newspaper a briefcase tucked by his side. The Headline reads NUCLEAR THREAT TO LOUVER, with other smaller headlines including DIPLOMAT STILL MISSING and POSTAL STRIKE. Not far away sits an OMINOUS LOOKING MAN dressed in black.

GUNSHOTS are heard over the ROAR OF A HIGH POWERED ENGINE getting closer and closer.

The man looks up - THE SOUND OF A SPORTS CAR ROARS PAST. THE SOUND OF ANOTHER CAR ROARING PAST a second latter. SCREECHING OF TIRES. The man winces. LOUD CRASH.

Seconds latter a RUGGEDLY HANDSOME MAN dressed in evening clothes, and carrying a steering wheel, appears. He puts the steering wheel down on the tables.

HANDSOME MAN
Sorry to keep you waiting, K, but traffic here is a killer.

K
(Intense whisper)
This is dangerous meeting here, James, very dangerous…

The Ominous Man rises, pulling a machine pistol out of his coat.

JAMES BLOND dives forward, pushing K under the table and out of harm’s way as bullet spray the area. He does a triple somersault, lands behind the Ominous Man.

He stops to kiss a very attractive woman, and then knocks the Ominous Man down with a swift chop to the
shoulder. He suppresses a yawn as he returns to the table.

JAMES
K?

K pokes his head out from under the table. The Ominous Man comes to, and crawls behind James as he seats himself.

K
Look out Blond!

JAMES
Uh huh.

James stretches in a yawn, knocking the Ominous Man out into the street. A HORN BLARES, TIRES SCREECH and then THUD! K gags.

JAMES
Now what about this mission…

A DROP DEAD GOREGOUS CURVACEOUS WOMAN passes the table. She beacons to James, and then goes behind a bush.

JAMES
Pardon me, K…

James saunters around the bush. He takes the Curvaceous Woman in his arms and kisses her passionately.
She comes up for air long enough to sigh…

WOMAN
James…

JAMES
Natasha...

 

He kisses her again. She produces a knife from her stocking.

James kisses her more deeply, apparently cutting off the flow of air with his tongue. She drops the knife, and droops in his arms. With her last gasp she sighs…

NATASHA
Oh, James…

And she expires with a smile on her face. He leans her against the bush.

JAMES
So much for foreign tongues.

He walks back to the table.

K
Really, James, I mean…

James waves it off.

JAMES
You never know when old friends will drop…

There is a DULL THUD in the background.

JAMES
…in.
He smiles a perfect smile as he gestures the waiter over to the table.

K
Now about this mission. I’m afraid it’s not your typical mission…

The waiter brings a drink to James. He picks up the glass, inspecting it.

He pulls the waiter violently down to the table and forces the liquid into his mouth.
The waiter gasps, grabs his throat and stumbles to a nearby table and collapses on it.

JAMES
Some men just can’t hold their liquor.

K slams the brief case on the table.

K
Now cut that out!

JAMES
You mean you want me to drop…

A DULL THUD as the waiter slides off the table and hits the ground.

JAMES
…the humor?

K
Exactly.

K reaches into the briefcase and removes a letter. He hands it to James.

K
You are to deliver this.

James looks it over.

JAMES
What is it? Plans for a nuclear defense for the Louver? Ransom for some diplomat?

K rises.

K
No, it’s a letter.

James weighs in his hand.

JAMES
A letter?

K nods.

K
Yes.

JAMES
And you want me, a super spy, to deliver it.

K nods again.

K
That’s right.

James stands. He looks around and smiles.

JAMES
Where’s the hidden camera?

K leans toward him and whispers.

K
There is no hidden camera, Blonde. You are to deliver the letter, that’s all.

James frowns and sits down. He picks up the letter by the edge, as if it were a snake.

JAMES
Isn’t there anyone else, I mean, I’m an international sex symbol after all-

K
There is no one else. The office staff is all out delivering other documents.

K walks away.

JAMES
You’re sure this is not a joke?

K
It’s not a joke. Just deliver the letter.

JAMES
But what about my special equipment? I always get special equipment!

K wheels around and returns to the table.

K
Oh yes, almost forgot

He reaches into his pocket and produces-

-a return address label.

K
Good luck, Blonde.

K walks away.

With a sigh, James rises, reading the address as he walks away.

EXT. LONG, DULL STREET �" AFTERNOON
Cars are parked on both sides of the street. James is wandering down the street, searching for the address on the envelope.

A dark car slowly follows him down the street. James glances over his shoulder at the car occasionally as he walks. He looks across the street; he checks the address on the envelope and starts to cross.

A car pulls away from a parking space as James steps off the curb.

The dark car that has been following him accelerates into the space.

James leaps into the air over the, doing a perfect double twist and lands on the curb, gun in hand. The car jolts to a stop, the door opens revealing…

…an ELDERLY WOMAN carrying shopping bags.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Thank you for holding the space for me young man!

The Elderly Woman smiles at him as she toddles by, around the corner and out of sight.

James, embarrassed, looks away as he holsters his pistol.

James continues to scan the buildings.

A POLICE OFFICER saunters into view, checking the cars.

James watches him carefully as he approaches.

JAMES
Excuse me, but could you tell me where 150 Weasel Road, Apartment 3 is…

The Police Officer reaches into his coat.James does a body roll behind the nearest car, and comes up with his pistol ready.

The Police Officer produces a street map and consults it. James, embarrassed again, puts his gun away and comes out from behind the car.

POLICE OFFICER
Drop something?

James shakes his head.

POLICE OFFICER
150 Weasel, hmmm. You want the next street over. Should be about midway down.

JAMES
Thanks.

 

The Police Officer raises his hand to salute. James rolls and comes up in a karate fighter pose.

POLICE OFFICER
(Muttering)
Too much caffeine.

EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK
A respectable looking place. The number over the door reads 150. James cautiously pushes the front door open with his foot door and sneaks a look.

INT. CORRIDOR
James, letter in hand, is standing at the door to apartment C.7. He leans his head against the door-A LOUD SCREAM. He reaches into his coat and takes out his pistol.

He rears back and smashes the door in, knocking an armchair over. He skids on the doilies. He lands flat on his back. Something small and furry jumps on his head. He pushes it away revealing…

… a toy poodle with a squeaky toy in his mouth. The SCREAMS from the TV set continue.He looks around - the apartment is decorated in Old Lady Provincial.

The Elderly Woman from the street enters from the kitchen with a tray of tea and cookies. She startles a bit at the sight of James, but then sees the letter in his hand.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh my, you’re a bit late with the
mails today, aren’t you? Ruff-Ruff,
get off the nice man.

She places the tray on a coffee table and turns down the TV. She sits on the couch and pours the tea. Beside the couch is a knitting basket.

James rises and places his pistol back in his coat. He returns the armchair to its upright position.
He places the letter in front of her.

ELDERLY WOMAN (CONT'D)
My pension application! How nice!

She smiles at the TV as she hands him a cup of tea.
ELDERLY WOMAN (CONT'D)
I do so like my soap operas. Peeking in as they expose their secrets. So exciting, don’t you think?

James takes the tea and sits. She rummages into the knitting basket...

ELDERLY WOMAN (CONT'D)
By the way young man...

...and produces a huge pistol.

ELDERLY WOMAN (CONT'D)
… any secrets you’d care to
share?

He smiles weakly at her as he sips his tea.

FADE OUT

THE END