Be Careful What You Wish For

I'm not sure if this fits into any of the "type" categories, however, it was a bit of wring that came straight from the heart. Parenting angst, in all its gut wrenching glory!

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

 

I recall hearing this phrase from a friend of mine. Her daughter had anorexia and my friend was  distraught over the pain that her daughter was experiencing. All her life, my friend wanted a little girl, dainty and angelic, a bright light in her life. Twenty years after her birth, this daughter was dainty to an extreme and angelic in her swift proximity to death.

 

She had wished for a little girl, but could never have foreseen this horror coming,

 

I felt such sympathy, such sorrow, when I looked into my friends eyes. When your children suffer, you do, too. I recall saying a silent prayer that my then 3 year old daughter would remain robust and healthy. Thankful to a being with more power than myself, that my own life was not being yanked out of control.

 

Control, the very thing you give up when you give birth to a child.

 

Ironic how this loss of control happens; for the very nature of parenthood is leading while another follows. The word parenthood implies that you have reached a plateau, in your life, where your life lessons learned shall be passed onto another generation. You have reached a place where you have succeeded, accomplished enough to become responsible for  the life of another. Surely, this job is only given to those who are capable of carrying out such greatness. If you follow life’s plans; get a decent job, put a roof over your head, set up a secure home life, surely if you accomplish all of these things before giving birth, then you have  secured a solid future for a child of your own.

 

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

 

We wished for a healthy child. We wished for two, actually, maybe greedily so. We wished to share our love with our children. We thought if we gave them our love and respect that we’d get both back in return. We thought that we’d get what we wished for.

 

Then how did we get here?

 

I find myself near tears, so angry that my head is pounding, expecting it will split apart at any moment. I am out of control and filled with a desire to bring immense pain, similar to the pain I am experiencing, to another. I want to bring that pain to my very own off spring, in retribution for the turmoil she has brought to me.

 

She was the being I wished for, the very being God gave me.

 

Be careful what you wish for, the phrase reverberates in my head.

 

I recall the look of pain in my friend’s eyes, all those years before. She had been calling out to anyone who could take it away. Her pain is different from my own; however, I am certain my eyes reflect that same anguish which hers once did.

 

Loss of control is a part of becoming a parent. There will come a day when you realize that your words of wisdom have fallen on deaf ears and you will know when  that time has come as your child spits words of hate at you, abhorring your very existence.

 

I wished for a little girl, whose hair I could brush, who’d adore me and who would believe in me

 

  Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Not exactly as you’d pictured it, not precisely the way you saw it ahead of time.

 

This brings to mind another phrase, “The best laid plans……….” Well, you know what they say about best laid plans.

 

They go awry.

Author's Note

Please feel free to crit this as you wish. I am hoping to sharpen my writing skills and would appreciate the feedback.