The Music Stopped

I can’t even remember when it happened.  Like so many beautiful things in my ridiculously self loathing life that get snuffed out.  I keep searching for the magical wardrobe that will bring me back to my own version of Narnia, where I am Aslan in my own mind...but appear as Mr. Tumnus to most others... but no matter.  Either I have grown up as to not see childish things any longer, which I highly doubt, or I just stopped believing along the way.  Its enchanted forests used to guide me along the long dark paths that are my mind.  The wood winds of the tree tops kept my head up and its resonance calmed me.  I miss those days.

Years ago, I had a long woolen robe from Africa that eerily resembled Josephs Technicolor garb. I would dawn the robe in a very sacred place and time to me. The robe represented the magic in my special place.  It was a beautiful wood that I would walk in, with twisting trails through vines and gnarled branches.  There were symbols along the way that would feed my fairy tale.  Alters and earthy monuments were built there for refuge when I would lose my way.  It was my enchanted forest here in this realm, for my wardrobe now only backed into a brick wall covered in sheet rock.  Hanging from the trees were wooden chimes that would replicate the magical sounds I longed for as the wind would pass through them.  The trees felt alive to me and that they would in fact, speak to me.  It was a magical feeling....but even that to would pass.  One day it was just lifeless, with no meaning anymore.

I could catch tiny glimpses of it and hear sparse melodies from time to time in the years to come.  It became an irritant.  A distraction that I no longer entertained.  Just as children condition themselves to stop seeing apparitions as they get older, I conditioned myself to not hear it anymore.  Then one day it came back.  So loud I could hardly stand it.  I could hear it beating in her belly.  I can only imagine what it sounded like in there to him.  All that I thought was lost forever was being reborn inside her.  A new melody, too beautiful to try to describe.  Any words uttered in an attempt to define it would be an injustice in its presence. 

As he grew, so did the music.  It got stronger in him every day.  And it was not just the music...it was everything.  I could not keep up with it.  He grew into a symphony too diverse to fathom.  I have never felt so humbled and powerless as I did then.  It was horrifically beautiful.  In one breath I would join him to wherever he would take me, and in the next I would run from him in fear of the power he had over me.  I was trying to hear it again....my music.  But this was his music.  His to decide to share or keep to himself....not for me to take.

Over time I got to a point where I could manage it all.  I could still hear it faintly....enough to warm me, knowing he’s still there.  And then like everything else, it has faded to where I can’t hear it anymore.  I keep trying to hear it....even just one second would do....but it’s gone.  At some point, the portal closes and you don’t get the chance to go back.....you just hope that someday it will come looking for you again, gracing your humbled presence....even if just for a moment.

Reviews

[char]

Nice world you created here. The flow of thoughts were especially engaging. Good job.