Beer Can Guy

Some folk don’t know no better…

On a sunny, early spring morning, two neighbors walk the gravel road running between their mountain homesteads and pick up a winter’s worth of litter strewn all along their stretch of road. 

 “God, I hate this guy.”

“Now, which guy is that Rita?” 

“I call him the “Beer Can” guy Ken, ‘cause he litters his empty cans of cheap beer all over the road, even has the nerve to dump a 24 pack box right at the entrance to my property.” 

“Oh. Yeah, I’ve seen his trail.” 

“That b*****d just cruises the forest loop, tossing beer cans out his truck window, almost every night. Merely calling him a litter bug is too good for this guy.”

 

“You know Rita, you’re too young to remember, but back in the sixties and seventies they had this Keep America Clean commercial where a sad, Native American Indian sheds a tear watching the white man toss garbage out his car window.”

 

“Did that campaign work?” 

“Yeah, maybe for a minute, but it took heavy littering fines to clean up the rest of America.”

 

“I don’t think this guy is gonna pay any fines, Ken.”

 

“Nope. Not one red cent, Rita.”

 

“You know what I’d like to do, Ken? I’d like to pick up all his s**t and dump it on his front lawn. Think he’d get the hint?”

 

“What I think Rita, is he’s probably the kind of guy that’d come back up here, rig an IED and the next time you pick up one of his cans, BOOM, you get yer arm blowed clean off. Worth it?”

“You really think he’d do something like that?”

 

“No doubt in my mind. But either way, I wouldn’t take the chance.” 

“Then, what should I do, Ken?” 

“Well, if’n it was me�" I got me a new scope on my 30 aught six, sited in at 600 yards. I’d set up a blind, with a good view of the road and the next time I see him comin’ around, throwin’ cans out his window, I’d nail the b*****d right between the eyes.”

 

“Gosh.” 

“Well, ‘round these parts Rita, you got a lot of petty, small minded, vindictive types. Ignorant and arrogant. Their Momma and Poppa didn’t learn ‘em no respect. There’s no tellin’ what they’d go and do if provoked. He might be some convict on parole. That’s why you don’t ever give ‘em an option. This guy’s a repeat offender. More than likely learned it from his pappy that used to beat him every day and twice on Sundays. Ain’t no reformin’ that kinda critter.”

 

“Gosh.”

 

“Well, did I mention my new rifle scope is infra-red, Rita? ‘Cause you know that’s when he buys his liquor, and comes drivin’ the loop, tossing out can after can along the way, thinkin’ he’s got some god given right to do it. Night after night, the whole fourteen miles. No�" no reformin’ that kind.” 

“But�"“

“Remember Rita! You wanna take a chance and get yer arm blowed clear off? Besides, if ya only wing him, give him a flesh wound, he could find ya and sue ya. And to add insult to injury, he’d just throw cans out his truck with his good arm.”

  

“But what about his family, Ken?”

 

“Hell, they probably wouldn’t miss the sorry b*****d. They’d probably thank ya Rita, if’n they could. Besides, its probably his family that drives him to drink. He can’t stand bein’ in the same trailer with ‘em.”

 

“Gosh, I never thought it all out like that, Ken.”

 

“‘S-alright Rita. You’re young, got plenty of time to learn.” 

Author's Note

Well, this story was titled a brand name drink….and after a little figurin’… I figured I might get sued somehow…. So I switched up and titled it Beer Can Guy…. Let’s see what happens. Based on a true story, ‘cause like you know, truth is stranger than fiction. Comments and critiques always welcome.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Lemme guess--"Budweiser guy"? After a few sentences, I suspected it might be inspired by true events. I'm remembering Ted Kaczynski and what that clean, Montana mountain air did to him. (Or was it those ten thousand tins of sardines?) Any-who, I enjoyed this.

[roarke]

Heh, no not Bud, or even Kokanee beer… it’s actually Twisted Tea Guy….so I’m thinking a gen-x aged guy. It’s amazing to me how a good portion of people who have lived in this area their whole lives, multiple generations, tend to disrespect the forest the most. glad you liked, I’m trying to get back into a routine of writing again, so stay tuned.

[Samuel Dickens]

Hmmm. I like my tea with a twist of lemon, but somehow don't think it's the same thing. It would go be nice if you could spend more time here --this place is near dead.

[roarke]

Yeah, that’s why I gravitated away. I guess I got lucky 13 years ago when a lot of good people were here and reading and writing. But as we all know Sam, especially us older guys, things change, crap happens.. and here we are now. lol I took up my first ever hobby a year and a half ago, Photography, and I”m really digging it. Photography has always been in my life, but I never took it up seriously. Now that I have its helped to shift from music and art, and I kept writing, but now my visual comes from photos. I hope to include my own original photography now with some of my writing posts here.

[Philip Gaber]

Wow, that's interesting. You're. Had these kinds of sites existed 20, 30 years ago, we probably would be more visible, but nobody reads anymore, and it's depressing. I owe the majority of my education to reading. And learning about the world, human behavior, practically everything. I miss the '70s. I was a kid then, but art flourished, especially in the movies of that day. What part of the country do you live in? You said you were living off the grid. That's something I'm very much interested in.

[Samuel Dickens]

Hi, Philip--it's so great to see another story-teller here. And roarke, yeah, it's easy to see how someone would move on from this place. I would, but can't find another site where there's as much back and forth between writers. Been here too long, also. I can dig your photography interest, as I like that, too. When I was a sailor, I had to have a good camera to capture those foriegn locations.

[Philip Gaber]

Yeah, you write what I like to read. It evokes humor, and mystery in a tight, cincise way. Very good.