Bargaining with Loneliness

Just a moment to wallow,

      a moment to boo-hoo,

      a moment to feel it for all it's worth - whatever worth there is in feeling.

 

Wish I understood all of this - 
I keep wondering where everything went?   
where it is that I consistently go wrong in my relationships with people?

 

Even the things I thought I'd come to terms with,  
the inconsistencies in some balancing the rock-steadiness of others -    
even those, now that the time has come,         are hard to bear
because there is no balance anymore.

 

Being guarded has it's benefits but the price is higher to pay when the guard
comes down because facades only hold once.
Once the walls fall, theres nothing left to do but move forward or retreat.

So what to do?                     What to do?            

Tear it all down?                   exposing myself on every front?  
keep trying to fix what damage I've created in my wake?   
and trying to catch you as you move farther and farther away?             
Sandbag the damage and move back even farther into myself?

 

How to do even that? 

 

After all,           I never wanted so much  
until I knew what there was to want;        I was never lonely in my aloneness

until now.