mum

Dear mum, 

My heart is heavy and no words are strong enough to carry my pain, but you don't need words to realize my pain, i know you can feel it burn deep down where i once slept so peacefully, the cruel world stripped me down from your warmth mum, i never wanted you to watch your babe running around in circles,  screaming and aching, i can't begin to imagine how that felt for you, i never carried my own mum. But what i am really sure of and what i really need you to believe, is that  i never controlled my madness, it controlled me, it crawled all over me till our edges blurred and it seeped into my blood, i never wished that pain upon myself and would never in a million different lives wish that suffering upon you mum. 

You have to know mum, your child ran in circles, her world spinned and her grounds shattered, everything in her sight blurred and faded, but never did your picture , that was always crystal clear, she grabbed it with all what was left within her shattered little heart, 

With all the madness and the cruelty of my world, i never lost sight of you, no matter how hard it kept smashing me against those cold walls, you were always with me, your voice was my saviour, it grabbed my frayed brain by the neck and glued it back together whenever it wanted to give up, your scent breathed warmth into my cold heart in the crazy lonely nights. 

 i wasn't the cold hearted child eveyone thought i was ,not for a second, i had no choice mum, i had to fight my own battle alone, my deep wounds would have scared the life out of your  heart, my defeated soul would have screamed and cried, telling you all about my pain and misery, it would have destroyed you mum and that would have been the end of it all , i can live with any pain and guilt but this one mum. I had to hold my damaged pieces tightly together, i couldn't risk your pure loving eyes peaking through my cracks, i can take all the pain in the world, but i can't for one second let you hurt. 

You are all i ever loved in this world, i loved you in every possible way, off course  i couldn't love anyone else, you took up all of my heart, who would dare to even try, no human ever walked this earth had a chance with you. I wanted  you only in there. how can i trust anyone but you. I lived inside you and its just fair that you now live inside my heart now. 

My world rejected me once it caught the crazy fire dancing in my eyes, it turned its back, leaving me to my doomed fate, it ignored my cries, and decided that my suffering was well deserved,i was left abandoned , alone, in the dark with my craziness,i screamed and cried for days on end,hey take it back, i never asked for it, now you will just leave me to sit with it? Alone? Trapped in this darkness together? it noded and walked away . 

But you mum, oh mum, you jumped right into the fire to grab your little girl, your love burned brighter than her fires, you kept her safe inside your arms, sadly your child grew and her fire grew untamed, pushing her over the edge of burning hell where no one can follow or help, you knew that this time she had to be the one saving her self. 

I came out of the fire mum, i have lived with it for too long now, it doesn't burn.  i am sorry it took me so long, but here i am alive, my cracks sealed and my pieces welded , standing tall stepping over the neck of my monsters, look mum! This monster wasn't the only thing growing within me, i kept your love safe, deep down my heart, it outgrew all of my madness. 

Your love was the path to my salvation mum, it shined upon me in the darkness, never leaving my side, it walked with me, made sure that my steps were taking me to the light, it laid down with me when i fell, and helped me up when it was time to keep going, i now realize that i was never alone. 

i made it out. 

I love you mum