the void

The void.

 

There once was a girl with a void inside her heart, a void so big that nothing could ever fill, or at least that’s what she thought.

For me the void seemed infinite, like a black hole no matter what you threw in there it would swallow and still be a hole, it’s not that I don’t feel anything or don’t have compassion, it’s quite the opposite, I might not feel too much for my own being, but I feel too much for my own sanity for others, not meaning to brag about it at all, it’s actually not a blessing the whole time, sometimes its consuming and very very destructive.

As for my own feelings, I ran out of those quite some time ago, I don’t feel happy, sad, grateful, warm, bla bla bla. I am only OK and MAD, it’s like my body activated the survival mood after all what I went through the last few years and I am ok with it, it’s like the ultra-mode you put your phone on when you want to save its battery, my body was just saving its energy for all the fights it was and still going through, but it just made the void bigger, but here is my silver lining, the void shifted all of my attention to others, I have always cared for the people I love, but quietly , only on the inside of my mind and heart and rarely took actions to be there for them and really get out of my head, later I realized that this was the reason of my misery, I always felt too bad for myself that I thought, the little energy I have is barely enough to keep me going, but the void eventually didn’t agree with me

I was trapped inside my head for a long time, feeling sorry for myself ,always whining and complaining, a good book I  once came across advised those who are worried the whole time just like me to adopt the dead dog theory, “nobody kicks a dead dog” , and *drum rolls* it worked! , so I forgot about myself, I am a dead dog, so why should I worry or complain, and in return the following happened: on a good day morning I told myself “you have a mental illness? Ok what then? Complaining and whining won’t do the trick, live like a dead dog, act as you were never diagnosed, you could have been the world’s healthiest individual who chocked on a peanut in their lunch and died!  Stop worrying about it and enjoy whatever time you have left, with whatever it brings along, just try to enjoy all the messiness in the world. I won’t tell you that from this point on rainbows invaded my life and I am now living with unicorns, not really, the change might seem so subtle to others but to me it was huge.

I started paying attention to others and their pains, forgetting about mine and for the first time in a very long time, I felt something, it stopped me in my tracks, wait what? I can feel something, it’s a faint slight feeling of happiness, but holy s**t I will take it for sure, it was a mid-week day and  I rarely stop on my way to work to pick up anything as I am usually late, but a bakery shop seduced me ,  decided to pull over and go in to get some bread sticks, while my ungrateful a*s stood there confused of what should I get, breadsticks and croissants, or breadsticks and salted pretzels, a voice of on old lady so sad and desperate struck my world that I immediately forgot about the cravings debate. “just this one please let me have it” she said those words and I can swear that every word coming out from her shattered my small disfunctioning heart into million pieces, I turned around to see this lady, something about her very wrinkled, but still smiling face made me want to hug her tightly, and that’s really big for me, I rarely hug anyone. I knew her smile wasn’t genuine she had no other option but to beg this a*****e running the place with a smile , she moved her hands pointing to one of the cheese croissants lined up in front of her, the guy without even looking at the croissant she wanted told her to leave and never come back, oh my dear god how can anyone be so cruel, that’s only 3 pounds ,this pathetic excuse of a human being is humiliating the old lady and making all this fuss over 3 pounds, without even considering  that such an old lady was up wandering the streets for something to eat at 8 am! Or maybe she spent the whole night wandering for a bite or two, I am afraid that this will come as showing off, but hopefully along the rest of my not so coherent sentences you will get the bigger picture, I froze looking at her, while our eyes me I might have came off as an angry customer waiting, yes I was angry but not at the helpless lady, I was very angry at our cruel world, I can’t really tell what I felt back then actually, angry? ashamed?  devastated? I have no idea but what I can tell you now is that I am more grateful than ever for crossing paths with her, she looked at me and smiled a crooked smile, turning around to leave the shop, I ran to her and held her arm, before I could say anything she said I am sorry I won’t come again , walahy I won’t come again. Right at this moment I felt like a train ran me over back and forth and I can feel every bone cracking, hey hey I just wanted to ask you what is your favorite? Cheese? Or olive and cheese? Or cheddar? She turned her face away, she was embarrassed and tearing, and out of the corner of my eye I can see the guy standing there boiling in anger. Her reply was heart wrecking, she said in a low voice whatever you will get I only want a small piece and I will wait for you outside, but noway my hands are letting go of hers, by that time all my cravings vanished to thin air and all I can think about was what is this lady craving, she wouldn’t tell but I grabbed what I could with the little money I had, she kissed me while saying something I couldn’t really get, I was just trying to process the feelings that swamped my  heart, a very subtle wave of warmth crept on my frozen conscious, but something horrible mouthed by this terrible guy snapped me out of this warmth  : “you will make her come back every day and the owner will give me hard time” , in any normal day I would have punched him in the face, lectured him and maybe even asked him to get his boss right away to kick his a*s as well, but no not today, I am a dead dog remember, I quietly gave him my number and said great I live couple of blocks away whenever she is here call me and took out one of my rarely used business cards from my wallet and left it on the counter, I grabbed the lady’s hand and we walked out, while handing her the plastic bags, she grabbed the croissant she wanted out of one of them saying: that’s all I want you can have the rest,  me shocked trying not to burst out in tears : no look I am on a diet I can’t really eat any of those, she smirked at me in return saying  : eat while you can and enjoy habibti*  you never know what the next day brings, ok I will but please take these I have plenty at home. She said in a very cheerful funny tone: and I don’t have a fridge in home and its hot, they will rot by tomorrow. She turned to walk away , but something inside of me was screaming , not wanting to let her go, hey , can you even take my number and call me anytime you need anything ? The way she giggled back then was unforgettable, nothing ever sounded so happy to me like this giggle, I don’t have the phone or the money to call you, don’t worry my child your god never forgets, he will keep sending good people like you my way.

She left hiding the croissant in her torn dress and veil.  good people? But I am not good people, not even close, I am more of like ungrateful people who lived inside their heads cursing all the circumstances that made them who they are, despite being late for work I had to stay in my car for a while, my world was spinning and my grounds were shattering,  I was overwhelmed with a bunch of feelings that I forgot how to process actually, I caught my glassy eyes in my rear mirror flooding with a heave of long missed tears, no no you can’t cry, you can’t make this a sad story, this was god’s message, yes he might have tested you with some pumps along the road, you failed to realize that those pumps were really minor, he tested you but within your limits, he never gave you something you couldn’t handle, yes you might have needed help along the road, but you failed to see that he also sent the nicest most decent human being to your rescue, a person who was genuinely happy to help you and all he wanted in return was your own well-being, maybe that’s gods circle of paying it forward, he created us to complete each other, if he made us perfect, not needing a help or a push sometimes then why would we appreciate each other? We would have started killing one another actually, how would we know the good times without going through the hard ones, the thing is the feeling I had in this moment was priceless, it wasn’t the feeling of feeding someone, no not really it was the feeling of astonishment that this angel god sent my way who decided to count me among good people, right in this moment I was grateful for everything god has put me through, every test, every road pump, cause nothing would have ever measured up to this, nothing, absolutely nothing, not all the designer bags and shoes I couldn’t get and felt so sorry for myself for being broke and poor, actually I have the whole world at  my feet but I was blinded by greed and ungratefulness,  but here I am, god showing  me again that he is still there , he is still watching over me and out of his mercy he reminds me in the most gentle yet life changing gesture, why I wrote all of this risking coming off as the snob who babbles about their good deeds, as a matter of fact I was having a hard day personally today, when I fired up my laptop in anger to write and let out all the negative thoughts I couldn’t , all I could think of was “ be grateful that you had family who flew to your rescue, others go through hell and have no one to watch their back”, I had my life changing moment and I realized it 3 weeks later, that this was it, life changing moments are not usually what we think of, for me I always pictured it as the day I will be declared free of any illnesses, mental or physical, but what that moment gave me was bigger and greater , it was accepting all of my tiny problems, embracing them and understanding god’s well and figuring out his purpose of connecting us all together, maybe if other people too stopped complaining and started doing, the world will be a better place?

 Yes maybe I won’t live till my 70s like I always imagined, but maybe also god is planning to make me experiment extraordinary stuff and  indescribable feelings in the shorter life span? Maybe the long life I wanted would have been a sad tragic one, watching the people I love leaving me, I failed to notice that I am surrounded with people who love me unconditionally, family and relatives who would go to extreme measures to keep me safe, I have a roof over my and a fridge that I feel so grateful for, despite all of the hard days my family faced I never slept hungry or went without food for a couple of hours even! , I have a variety of clothes to cover my body, a car that takes me wherever I want , and the one great blessing that  I have always missed: yes I was in great pains at times but he  never failed to send me the medication in a way or another.

Suddenly my void didn’t seem so empty, finally I have something to cling on to, the great purpose that I missed for 27 years is now crystal clear, so whoever reads this (if any), life changing moments might not always be what you expected, they might be subtle, but they feel right, and take my word for this, it’s a moment you will feel with every shred of your mind, heart and conscious all you need is to embrace them and the world will follow.

Dear god, I got the message, I finally connected all the gifts that seemed to me like loose ends, I am entirely grateful for this, for not giving up on me, for trying over and over to send miracles my way, I may have blocked and neglected them before, but I promise with whatever I have left of my body, my health and my energy that I will pay it forward, your blessings are endless , I can never pay all of them forward in any life span actually, even if I was given the longest one, I now understand that maybe you planned for me the happiest moments in the shorter one, I trust your wisdom, I might fulfill the purpose of my existence in my short visit to this world , and I trust  that’s why you choose it for me, forgive me god for failing you all those years, forgive me that I couldn’t see that this void was there for some reason, forgive me for hating and cursing it, all I can do in return is to promise you that when we meet I will tell you all about how I overfilled this void, I will tell you about how I never failed all the people you sent my way to help them and pay your blessing forward, forgive me for the years I was so consumed with the materialistic world, forgive me for all the nights I left my dinner by my bedside to go bad failing to see how much of a blessing it was, forgive me god.

Reviews

[Ekiaby]

Every time I read something you wrote I just get so absorbed into each sentence. And when I finally reach the end I can't help but just sit there for a few minutes in complete silence with mouth wide open and take a deep breath to capture every detail and every meaning you put into each paragraph you write

[Srchaud]

There is a writing execise where the goal is to write an entire page using only one sentence. It is supposed to help you write better, it intrigues me that you have the natural ability to do this.
When reading, I was thinking about the author who wrote a book without using the letter E. Or the author who wrote Finnegans Wake, were its said to be the hardest novel to read.
The point is they tried something different, they pushed the writing to the edges of it abiltity. I am curious if your, calling card is to write a piece where each chapter is one sentence long. It hasnt been done as far as I know, and you seem to have a talent of making it work. Many times in a run-on sentence, I reader will get lost in the words, but you pace it perfectly.
So here is what I suggest, try writing a short story as an experement, where as I said above it is 1 sentence per chapter. Then market it as such,Let the readers know upfront that is your plan. I bet more then a few will take a look if only for curiosites sake.
As to your message, I will not presume if this piece is true but I will tell you it is accurate. Coming from a place similar it does capture the feeling of being low, and then asking why is God blessing me.

[Ms. R]

as usual srchaud , your reviews manage to make me feel as if i am a real writer, this piece is a real , its my personal experience, i am bipolar also and i guess my mania is the reason behind the long sentences, i don't even realize that the sentences are long, they just flow out of me, i am very intrigued to try the exercise you suggested, i will give it a try and see how it goes, thanks for taking the time to actually read it :)