TRUMP ANNOUNCES RUN FOR MESSIAH

Donald Trump held a press conference today announcing that he is running for Messiah. This comes only a day after allegations that the current Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, may not be a United States citizen. "If he has nothing to hide, then why doesn't he show us his birth certificate?" Trump stated, adding: "The Constitution clearly states that you have to be an American citizen from birth to be Messiah!"

Today Trump announced that he had hired a team of private investigators to look into Jesus' past and they have already uncovered "disturbing things." Trump alleges that Jesus of Nazareth was born in the Middle East and spent a considerable part of his youth in Egypt. "Why isn't the Liberal media talking about this?" Trump asked, "I have proof he was not born here (America), that he is Middle-Eastern, that he had connections to Egypt, and that he even is connected to a group of known terrorists. A lot of people tell me he is friendly with Zealots. I don't know if he is or isn't but a lot of people tell me that. It is something that should be looked at and it is something I intend to look into. But I have to ask why the media isn't asking him about his Zealot ties?"

When asked about the policies of the current Messiah, Trump stated unequivocally that "He is clearly a Socialist!" Trump went on to say that Jesus has "foreign" ideas and is un-American." He is trying to institute a Welfare State that will keep people dependent on his Radical, Anti-American, Socialist programs." When asked which policies to which he was referring, Trump said "All of them." He later clarified by saying, "Look. The man is weak. I call him 'Weak Jesus' because he is weak on crime. He is weak on jobs. He is weak on the economy. He wants to weaken America and our military capability by his anti-violence talk. He's an appeaser! He is weak. And he knows he is weak. He even admits it! He identifies with weak people. People tell me he calls them 'the least of these' or something. But they are weak and he is weak and we need someone who is strong to be the Messiah." Mr. Trump continued by saying: "There are a lot of problems in the world and I am the only one who can fix it. Weak Jesus just wants to give food away to the hungry, provide homes to the homeless, provide free health care to everyone--where's the incentive to work? Jesus is creating a society of takers, who take from those of us who have and give it to people who have nothing. He is calling for the redistribution of wealth. It's Socialist, it's un-American, and I intend to put a stop to it."

When asked about his qualifications to be Messiah, Trump blustered "I know what it takes to be Messiah! I'm a self-made man! I raised myself up from nothing to create an empire! I'm a celebrity and a businessman and I know how to make the tough decisions that Jesus won't make." When a reporter asked Trump to clarify is "self-made man" remarks, asking if it was true that he got his start by having a wealthy father giving him a multimillion dollar apartment building, Trump immediately changed the subject, saying: "Look, that's not important. What is important is that nobody knows how this Jesus guy got to be the Messiah. A lot of people say to me: 'How did he become the Messiah?' I didn't vote for him. I don't know anyone who voted for him. I bet if you ask anyone on the street, they'll tell you they didn't vote for him. People say to me: 'So how did he get the job?'"

Donald Trump also announced at the press conference that head of his SuperPAC will be Mr. Nick Scratch. Mr. Scratch is  well-known inside the beltway as an influential lobbyist. He is said to be very influential, and is sometimes said to be "the power behind the scenes" who makes things happen and who "gets things done." He is known for his trademark red suit and pitchfork. This reporter asked asked Mr. Scratch if Mr. Trump will be able to raise the kind of funds necessary to become Messiah, to which Mr. Scratch replied, stroking his pointy beard: "I am dedicated to using all the influence at my disposal to give Mr. Trump everything he needs." When asked to clarify that statement, he said "No further comment."

After the press Conference, Trump is reported to have quipped "Jesus, you're fired!"

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[Craig2591]

Very good! Made me laugh. And well written with no errors.