Lent: Day Thirteen

The ninth step of humility, according to St. Benedict, is:

when a monk refrains from speaking, and does not speak until he is asked; for the Scripture shows that “Where words are many, sin is not wanting; but those who restrain their lips do well” (Prov 10:19); and that "a man full of tongue is not established in the earth" (Ps 139[140]:12).

It has already been established that It is not my job to correct everyone. It is not my job to offer advice. It is my pride that tells me that I know more than others, or that I know better. Unsolicited advice is always taken as criticism, and correcting others invariably creates conflict.

So St. Benedict instructs his monks to only speak when asked to speak. They did not take a vow of silence, but they did have to practice a discipline of keeping their opinions, thoughts, jokes, advice, and criticisms to themselves. They were to only critique if asked to critique; offer counsel when asked for their counsel. In my philosophy, I can certainly see how this is just good advice, even if it has nothing at all to do with humility. But I also know that it takes humility to put this advice into practice, and even then, it’s difficult to follow. Holding can make me feel like I’ll burst if I don’t say what I’m thinking, or what I know.

The advice of Scripture is often to keep quiet: “Let anything you hear die with you; never fear, it will not make you burst!” (Sirach 19:10). The psalmist says: “I said, ‘I will watch my ways, lest I sin with my tongue; I will keep a muzzle on my mouth.’ Mute and silent before the wicked, I refrain from good things” (Ps. 39:2-3). The psalmist makes it clear with these words that silence is better than any speech�"even speech that most people would consider to be good and positive. So, if I am instructed that there are times when silence is to be preferred to even speaking good words, then I should clearly abstain from bad words all the more. Using my words for evil and in a hurtful way is the same as doing evil and hurtful things.

So there may be an element that just as the one who speaks a lot, sins a lot; the one who becomes more and more perfect begins to speak less and less. It has been said: “Where words are many, sin is not wanting” (Prov. 10:19). It is also written: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18:21). The Lord Jesus Christ even says: “ I tell you, on the day of judgment people will render an account for every careless word they speak” (Matthew 12:36).

Who knows if I will get to the point of speaking when spoken to. As a professor and a priest, it’s hard to limit my words to when I am first spoken to. It would be a long, boring class if I were to stand there and wait for a student to ask a question before I can begin my lecture. So I am going to modify the notion to:

DON’T USE WORDS AS WEAPONS AND DON’T GIVE ADVICE, HELP, CRITICISM, COUNSEL, OR ANYTHING ELSE UNLESS ASKED FOR IT FIRST!

To me that covers the sense of the step.

And I have already incorporated some it this step as I worked through some of the other ones. I have already learned to refrain from offering advice and criticism, or solving a problem for another person, unless they ask me for help. Granted, there have moments where I have failed to follow through on this, but for the most part during the past two weeks, I have refrained from advising and critiquing and fixing many times and have succumbed to the desire two or three times�"though, in those moments, it was important that I bend the rule a bit. Rules, even the rules I set for myself, should never be absolute�"I most live the spirit of the law and not the letter of the law.

I have also avoided many opportunities to argue over the past two weeks. Many arguments occur because I assert my opinion; yet, it is not the mere assertion, neither is it the opinion itself in most cases, but the manner in which I assert the opinion that causes offense and argument. So, keeping my opinion to myself has been a common exercise, and when expressing it, doing so in a way that can still reflect some level of humility. Again, there have been times when I didn’t keep to this, and I mostly escaped unscathed with my burgeoning humility in tact.

But in my mind, the truly humble person doesn’t argue because arguing in nothing more than pride asserting itself, and it usually doesn’t settle anything, but drives people apart. In most arguments, neither side is listening to the other, but merely attacking the other with their own ideas. Neither side thinks they are in need of reform, so both spend time trying to convince the other that he is wrong, which is impossible because he is convinced that he is right and is trying to convince the other of that fact. This is true even if it is a matter of factual error. Arguing only makes the other more likely to defend the error and become committed to it as if it were truth. Even if the argument is won, it does not mean that the winner is correct or right, it only means that he got the upper hand in the argument.         

So, the point of all this is to be very careful how I use my words, and to determine to keep silent, rather than use my words to hurt anyone, even unintentionally due to using them carelessly. So, if I am in a situation where the instinct is to lash out with my words I need to shut up, and probably leave without saying anything (Sirach promises me I won’t burst if I do). Of course this means no gossip, which the Old Testament equates with murder in one place. It also limits crude jokes, talking for the sake of talking, and even silly things designed to provoke laughter�"but I like laughter, whereas St. Benedict didn’t seem to be too keen on it.

But I can see that there is a challenge to let senseless people engage in senseless talk; whereas those who have sense should talk sense�"and only when necessary, or requested. I guess it is the vocal version of Jesus’ parable of being invited to a dinner party and choosing the best seat for yourself, and then facing the humiliation of being asked to move for an more important guest. Jesus says to choose the worst seat in the house, so the host will promote you to a better seat and you’ll be honored in front of all the guests, while the one who chose the best seat is humiliated in front of all the guests. Speaking when spoken to honors the person who is asked to speak, whereas the person who asserts himself may be shut down and dismissed.

Humility is not the same thing as humiliation or being humiliated; yet, the less I am willing to be humble, the more opportunity I seem to have to experience humiliation.