Lent–Day Five:

I know that I said yesterday was the fifth day of Lent, but I was suffering from a stupid attack. Sundays don’t count as part of Lent, which is why there are forty-six days from Ash Wednesday to Easter, but we talk about forty days. So instead of being Day Five, yesterday was The First Sunday in Lent.

On Sundays throughout Lent, since they are not technically part of Lent, I will review the previous week. St. Ignatius was a fan of reviewing and even redoing certain exercises. When I went through the Spiritual Exercises, the fourth day and the seventh day were set aside to review the days, or the week, that had passed. The reviews are not only just looking over what was previously done, but an examination of what parts I had difficulty with, or resisted. Why were they difficult? Why was I resisting? This may be more than necessary for someone who simply gave up coffee or chocolate; yet, there may be something of value to make abstaining from those items a little easier.

As for me, my time during Lent is being used to DO things that express humility. Again, notice that I am not “being more humble” or “taking on humility” but I am coming up with things each day that, to me, express what humble people do. Then I do those things.

This does lead to an important point: most people seem to wait to feel a certain way before they do something. For instance, they will wait to feel “loving” before they act in a “loving” way. So, for most people, love is a “feeling” and when they feel it, then they act on it. But I can still act in a loving way regardless of how I feel about it�"in fact, I would say that deciding to act in a certain way, even when I don’t want to, is what love is. Just as deciding to do or accept certain things, even when I don’t want to, or don’t feel like it, or maybe not even believe it at the moment, is what faith is. Faith isn’t a feeling, faith is an orientation. Love isn’t a feeling, love is an orientation. Humility isn’t a feeling, it is an orientation�"I can still feel pride, but still behave humbly; therefore, it is the orientation and the action that is the thing, not the feeling associated with it. Granted, it may seem easier to love someone toward whom I feel love, but it isn’t. It takes no more effort to enact love toward someone I hate than it does toward someone I love; what makes it seem harder is the simple fact that I don’t want to do it.

So all that was to say is the mistake most people make is they think they have to feel their way into action, when in reality, we act our way into feeling. If I do loving things, even to people I don’t like, sooner or later, I’m going to feel loving, even toward those people I don’t like. If I act like I have faith, even when I don’t feel like I do, I will feel it. If I act as if I am humble, even when I’m feeling pride and arrogance asserting itself, I will eventually feel humble. And when I feel these things, it seems easier to be these things.

So for Lent, I am acting like I have humility, trusting that if I do, I will be humble. So now I can go through the three days I have taken actions to act humbly. Have I violated any of these actions? Are there actions I just don’t want to do? Do I place conditions on these actions (I won’t comment or correct unless someone starts egging me on or pushes my buttons)? Do I fail more on some than on others? Where have I succeeded? If there are things that I am unwilling to do, am I at least willing to become willing? And so on...

Without looking over my lists, I know of places I have failed to live up to what I decided, but that doesn’t mean I failed�"sometimes there are important reasons to break the rules, even my own. I helped someone who didn’t ask for help, but I knew they needed to hear the answer, and they weren’t going to get it anywhere else. So I broke my rule not to help unless asked, or not to give the answer until someone asks me for the answer, but I don’t think of it as a failure or a lack of humility. Nevertheless, the times I caught myself playing God are failures, even though realizing when I’m doing it, and knowing it doesn’t work, represents progress.

So today I am reviewing as if it were Sunday.