Deficits And Gifts By Christopher Ross Livingstone

Deficits And Gifts

 

By Christopher Ross Livingstone 

 

There I am 

In the mirror 

Upon it I gaze 

My eyes witness

Surrendering into thyself

Reflections soul

How could I not see it before?

 

That's life

Full of lived experiences 

Challenges and obstacles

Lessons lived 

Chances never embraced 

Deficits were all I knew

But why?

 

Deficits and gifts 

The flipsides of one coin

A heart living this life 

Once seeking 

Found wanting something 

Connection and community

But often found contradictions

This heart felt disconnected

Often asked why?

 

I've faced contradictions 

Conformity without community

Too many expectations

Fitting into norms

Disadvantaged feeling difference 

Being different

Labels apart

I sought sanctuary in isolation 

Was this doing more damage?

 

What led after...

A heart closing inward

Not loving who I became?

Internalised homophobia

Criticising my body 

The way I looked and walked

I can be honest in my reflections

Why may you ask?

 

I ate in weight 

My aching self

Consuming in cycles

Eating what I could 

Sweet and heavy

Never paying attention 

Avoiding any inner divine intention

Punished a weaning heart 

Without any realisation 

A brave face held up in participation

I was alive 

But my heart wasn't beating

I lived in a realm of deficit

Until I felt an opening

My inner being

Mother whispering

How could you not love yourself?

When my love us unconditional

The coin flipped

Surrendering

Feeling the gift

Where are you

In deficit or in gift?